A Self Harm realizaton: First off, I'd... - Anxiety and Depre...

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A Self Harm realizaton

OliviaGarden__ profile image

First off, I'd like to say that I got logged out of my original account (OliviaGarden) and forgot the password, so I made a new one. SO the original point. On that account, I made a post about how I was self-harming, but I'm emotionally fine. Well, that was a fucking lie. I had posted that a bit before I had decided to completely destroy my wrists and hips. I was thinking since I have a pretty good life, good family, good house, good school situation, good grades, I should be happy right? I've been telling myself this over and over, that I just cut myself because it felt good, no other reason, but I realized soon after the post, that this wasn't true. My parents, especially my mom, like to put my personality in little boxes. If I do something a little different than what my mom thinks I would do in a situation (she doesn't completely know me well, it's my fault, I don't talk to her as much as I should) It's pointed out like I'm a zoo animal. It's really small, but every single day she does that, and I can't stand it. I'm a living, breathing human whose mind isn't a repetitive agenda that has to react the same to every little thing. On top of that, I can't convey any of this because I have an extremely hard time speaking my mind. I constantly need my brother around to help translate my thoughts, because everything comes out in a gargled mess only my brother can decipher. I have ideas and thoughts all the time, but I'm trapped in my own mind, and I'm not sure how to get out. But I don't want my brother to tell my mom this, I want to. I also want to tell her I'm cutting, I'm getting panic attacks on a weekly basis, and that I'm just not ok, but I can't. I'm afraid she'll see me as a mental disaster who can't be trusted with a sewing kit in her room, and I don't want to be seen like that. The scars I have are not my personality, but I know people won't think that. Even if my mom treats me the same, I'm also worried she will tell my stepdad. I really don't want him breathing down my neck. He already does daily checks in me and my brother's room because we were keeping food in our rooms. (I'm a teen, not a 7-year-old, come on). I don't think I could deal with that. And of course she'll tell my dad, my dad will tell my stepmom, and I just don't want the cacophony of "It'll be alright, just talk to me! Stay positive" coming at me from four different directions. I wish I could just get rid of my scars, and move on, yet I've spiralled into a bad place, so even If I do erase all of my scars, more will be added, I know this too well. I want the daily anxiety to go away, and cutting helps that. I know I've become addicted to the endorphins, how small cuts will stop working, my cuts will only get deeper and deeper. I've done an embarrassingly large amount of research. I'm doing my best to stop, I've been off and on since sixth grade, and I've only told one person. I'm trying. Not sure why I posted this, just wanted to clear things up with myself by writing them out.

4 Replies

Hope you found some comfort by getting it all out there. Should feel liberating.

HI OlivaGarden_

As a mom, I'd say it's pretty important to find a way to talk to your folks. At a minimum, just to let them know you want/need therapy. Therapy can be a huge help for all that you are experiencing and all the struggles you are having. There's a lot going on and being young (I assume you are a teen or no more than 25?) is HARD. You will feel better if you start talking to and working with a good therapist. I can almost guarantee it :) Is there a way to get in to see someone?

I appreciate the feedback. I could probably go to therapy if I just asked, I guess I'll just have to figure out how.

I also encourage you to talk with your parents. If you need help, maybe a guidance counselor or trusted adult would be able to help you talk with them? Hope that helps! Therapy is helpful and might help you be able to sort through things with some guidance from a trained and licensed professional. (Hopefully no derogatory remarks or things that you fear.) Support is a wonderful thing!

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