Even more difficult day 😞

[weegmack]

I had a rubbish day yesterday and I feel so much worse today. I feel crippled by depression and I can’t get motivated to do a single thing. I was up at 6am to get my kids ready for school and uni. Then I sat down after 9am and fell asleep for and hour and a half. I woke up and my husband was still home doing som work. I freaked out because I was angry with myself for sleeping again. We fell out big time. He’s never been one to understand mental health - he says he does, but he doesn’t. He kept asking me why I won’t go out for a walk or go somewhere. I told him that I just feel trapped and suffocated and the thought of going outside is just too exhausting. I don’t like where we live, so I don’t want to walk here. Get in the car and drive somewhere for a walk, he says. I know that’s a good idea, but i just can’t today. Then he asked me why I don’t message a friend and see if they would come out with me. I don’t have many friends. I’m very isolated here. My one good friend is unwell and I have another who is working full-time. So I have nobody to call on. He left and I have been crying ever since. I feel so useless and I just hope someone on here understands how crippling this is 😞

[BlueBelle06]

I've had many days like that. Many days recently. I feel so unmotivated, then anxious and guilty about that, then panic, then more depressed, then more unmotivated....cycle continues. Remember, depression is chemical but there are still things you can do to help yourself. You are not completely powerless. We can chat about this if you want. I've been working a lot on this the last 2 weeks- specifically how to get motivated and overcoming the guilt associated with it.

However, my husband does understand. That is so hard that your spouse is not understanding. I read this article last night that made me feel better. I don't know if you can show it to your husband....

psychologytoday.com/us/blog...

Many peoples beliefs about mental illness are complex. The are developed when they are young, cultural differences, what they hear from family etc. If someone hasn't experienced it themselves, some can be empathetic or sympathetic, but not always. Maybe he's frustrated or feeling helpless? I don't know the situation.

I don't know if this will work, but sometimes I just tell my husband what I wish he would say at that moment because he cant read my mind. Like, I don't really feel like talking right now, but I would like a hug. Or, sometimes he is very helpful at getting me out of the house. Could you say, "I would feel better if we could go to the grocery together just to get me going today", or "a walk together so you can motivate me so I don't feel alone on the walk"? I never want to go and get anxious, but if he is going, it gets me out, then I feel better. Your husband may not be capable, but could be worth a shot. Maybe if he knows he can help by doing things with you, he will feel less helpless and frustrated??

You are not alone here. Hope I didn't give too much advice or irrelevant advice to your situation. Just trying to help because I understand a lot of how you feel. We are here to support you. Maybe you could try to get out of bed for a shower today if you can or something like that. 1 goal. Leslie

[weegmack in reply to BlueBelle06]

Thank you ❤️. I really appreciate everything that you say. It’s good to know I’m not alone in how I feel.

I do have quite a complex situation. First of all, I can’t take antidepressants, because every single one I have tried, makes me violently ill. My main issue is Generalised Anxiety Disorder. But we’ve had a rough couple of years and now I feel very depressed.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who didn’t really do much to protect us from him. He died in 1997 (two days before I got married). My mum met someone new and married again in 2001. I love my mum, but she was protective of her life with her new husband and I was pretty much shut out for a long time. I was very ill with PND after my second child was born in 2002 and she never came to help me. I’ve havent actually been right since I had my second child, and my mum just hasn’t been there at all. My stepfather took very ill last August and all of a sudden, my mum needed me and I felt so under pressure to help someone who has never been there for me. He died in March.

During the last couple of years, we have been involved in an awful incident at our former church. The youth pastor was grooming a young family and then made attempts to groom my daughters. It’s a very long story, but he denies everything, was arrested, but can’t be charged due to lack of evidence. My husband confronted him and told him to stay away from us. Thereafter, we were subjected to intimidation by the youth pastor and his very large family. My car and motor home were vandalised and we were followed. Police still can’t pin anything on him. This April, the youth pastor assaulted my husband, totally unprovoked, and was arrested and is now charged with serious assault. Court case is in February. This has affected us all badly. I’ve been trying to hold all this together as both my kids are so frightened and overwhelmed. One is at uni and one is in high school, with very important exams coming up. So I think when I’m alone, I just feel totally weary and exhausted.

My husband has, in fairness, been through a lot. But he’s a very logical, practical person. So he just gets on with it. He doesn’t see the point in depressive feelings and I just can’t get him to understand that I can’t help it. As you say, he probably just can’t think this way. I’m just upset because he asks me such stupid questions then I feel like a boring loner with no friends. And useless. And I can’t stop crying.

Strangely, I can always shower and get dressed. But after that, I retreat to the sofa. I’ve put some washing on and cleaned the bathroom. So that’s something I suppose.

I’ll read that article just now, thank you xx

[BlueBelle06 in reply to weegmack]

Wow- that's a lot of stress on you and your family. All of that anxiety and stress can definitely cause depression and certainly if you've had it before, you are at risk again. If you are unable to take prescriptions, have you looked into natural treatments? B12, omega 3? I'm not an expert on this topic, but some on the site know a lot about this area.

We have this in common...I had postpartum depression too. I had it after both children, but the 2nd was the worst, like you. It came on so suddenly, day 3 postpartum, I was feeling great then boom, it felt like a stroke or something- the blinds went down on my life. I have never recovered either, never been the same. That 2nd postpartum depression did something to my brain, permanently.

I think its great you are getting up and dressed, getting some washing and getting the bathroom done! That's more than I'm doing. Maybe, you are functioning better than you think. I know about the sofa...mines the bed. If I let myself get on that bed, I'll sit there for a long time and not get back up. Maybe you can try adding 1 activity out of the house and 1 pleasure activity to your list each day or start with once a week. I read that in a book- to help get yourself "mobilized with depression". I can make a pact with you on this if you want, because I need to do it too Need to take my own advice that I'm struggling to do!

[weegmack in reply to BlueBelle06]

I’m sorry you went through PND also - it’s like the life is drained out of you. I honestly felt it the minute I birthed my daughter. I kept saying to my husband and the midwives that I didn’t feel right. But nobody would listen. It was unfortunate, because my new baby girl was not one for sleeping and my milk didn’t come in properly. Though I didn’t realise that until she was 4 weeks old. I got no support for deciding to bottle feed her instead - the health visitors gave me the usual breast is best guilt. But my baby was starving and I only had fore milk! I can honestly say that my daughter (now 16) didn’t sleep through the night until she was 4 years old. She was a very difficult toddler and I am not enjoying her teen years. Since turning 16 particularly, she is pushing me to my limit. She’s very bright and determined.

Like you, I feel as though my body and brain hasn’t been right since she was born.

[BlueBelle06 in reply to weegmack]

I know. I had no support the first time. They kept saying “go for a walk”. The second time, i was ready because I had a doctor, but the medication didn’t help. I was on a ton of it. I had to stop breastfeeding due to the medication. Breastfeeding guilt is so wrong. Depression makes the bonding difficult too.

Parenting is just hard. I’m dreading the teen years. I just hope I’m coping better by then! I was a difficult teen. Maybe the key is just to love them. I don’t really know. 🤷‍♀️