I don't know which consumes me more... depression or PTSD.

[Walnut30]

I have known for a few years now that I am depressed. I wasn't sure at first because you will always see me with a smile on my face, I'm bubbly in open spaces, and strangers gravitate towards me. Yet all that is just a cover to keep anyone from looking deeper. Added to this new discovery about myself I have to admit I now suffer from PTSD. During this year I gave birth at 25 weeks gestational, through prayer and an incredible medical team my baby is alive and home after spending 1 third of this year in the NICU. some of my family and closest loved ones (significant other included) do not buy into me having PTSD. They believe you have to serve in a war to have PTSD. It's frustrating beyond measure that I have a support system saying I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. Yet when I talk about my sadness, my hyper sensitivity to sound now due to the machines beeping and medical equipment I now know all too well. I speak about my constant fears, from just this summer of ups and downs or my phone ringing. For so many weeks and months my phone was deemed only for medical calls for fear I was going to get bad news. So many women have given birth so it's not new to have hormone levels off. Yet if you have not experienced a medical emergency which lead to 140 days of hospital stay ( for baby) it's hard to understand the layers on top of depression, possible post par., and possibly PTSD. I have no one who has the capability to even hear me when I am talking about my issues/ emotional state. I am just getting more depressed by feeling emotionally alone. I feel I should just hush my mouth because everyone misunderstand my words. I am not a hard to anyone or myself. I look at the clock and anticipate morning. In the morning I anticipate night. I know that's just existing and not living. Yet I just feel it makes a less stressful environment for everyone else including my 2 kids. I just try not to transfer my energy to them. That's a whole different conversation. My significant other says that's all in my head, energy and energy transference is too much for him to comprehend. Again I love them all but they can't help me. They don't even understand what I am going through. More information I am not currently seeing anyone professionally. One day I will be able to fit a weekly therapy session into my schedule. Thanks for reading. Just felt good saying at least that without someone trying to give me other reasons and explanations for my own feelings.

[AZ1970]

I have not gone through what you have. I am sorry you and your baby went through that. I do have a daughter with special needs. I won’t go into the whole story, but I have PTSD from years of caring for her. When you described the phone and noises triggering you, it was like I was reading my story. Loud noises, my phone vibrating, ER’s and doors that click when the open all set me off. So do certain noises my daughter makes. I believe you. Have you considered counseling over the internet? I’ve heard it makes therapy more accessible for people. Adding the postpartum depression to the mix must be even more difficult. Feel free to message me if you need to chat.

[No1wthayla]

People get PTSD from all types of things. I know folks of all ages who were traumatized and developed PTSD. Causes could have been a fire, a bullying incident, a bad experience in a hospital, mental or physical abuse, survive an accident but have the others in the car perish, fighting in a war or conflict, getting out of prison.

I was in a car wreck in 2001 and after that fire trucks, ambulances, anything with sirens, just made my head fill with dread. It drove me crazy! And I couldn't drive past the spot of the accident for about 7 years. Or I'd see a car like the one that hit me and I would have to pull over and stop to let them go around. I'd jump if someone coming up behind me was going to fast for fear I would be rear-ended again. Other things in my past are also events where I was traumatized.

But I keep fighting. I have to. Otherwise, who's going to do what I do? Who's going to be there for others? I put on a brave face too and hide at home when I can't deal with it anymore. I have to push my way up and over the stress and painful triggers. Being able to talk here about what happened really seems to be helping me. (Except my boss who's being a real jerk lately. I can't get past her yet.) Please know that everyone on this site supports you and is ready to listen. Hugs and prayers.

[Metti46]

Hi, I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through and continue to go through, you are not alone. I also suffer from PTSD and depression. I nearly died from a ruptured appendix that took 3 major surgeries to save my life. It was horrific to say the least and still haunts me to this day. I also witnessed my Mother who was my bestest of friends take her last breath as she died from cancer. It took a toll in my soul, I miss her so much. Last winter I suffered a terrible bout of depression and not one family member cared, their thoughts was that I should just snap out of it. It hurt beyond words that I had not one living soul who cared. I spent endless days and nights isolated, with not even a phone call. It crushed me to the core. My saving grace was my cries to our Lord and Saviour, knowing He cared and was with me saved my life. I depend on Him in every aspect of my life and have grown even stronger in my faith. When others let you down Jesus won't, He is walking with us and holding us in his loving arms. I've also forgiven those who've abandoned me during my darkest of hours and have come to realize that they aren't capable of the same compassion I freely give to others. I am blessed that I work in the homes of the elderly, caring for them during their last days on earth. They too have taught me how precious life is and how to live life to the fullest each day. Keep your faith and look to Jesus to walk you through this difficult time in your life. I will be praying for your peace and comfort from above.

[Walnut30]

Thanks for the replies. I am taking the first steps to seeking online therapy. I know I cannot do this alone even though most of the people near and dear to me think it's a "season" not permanent. I Know that the adverse effects of ignoring depression are far worst than sitting in depression. I pray I connect with some amazing people are who understand and are willing to listen unbiasedly.