I Don’t Know Myself Anymore

[bedroomblues]

I’m in a really bad place. I consistently think about killing my self everyday. I don’t because I’m scared that there is no consciousness in the beyond; but if it weren’t for that fear I would’ve done it already. What’s the point of staying alive when you aren’t even a person, let alone yourself, anymore? What’s the point of being alive when you discover your friends aren’t really friends, that your college track is going to take you nowhere, you have no money, your family does not understand and tells you “you have to stop doing this” (aka have to stop being ‘sad’), and most importantly, when you have absolutely NO fucking purpose in this world? I used to think I had one, and that was to help others. But I can’t do that while I’m like this. And I can scream for help but no one listens.

I called my mom today to tell her how lonely I am. How all of my friends just turned out to be people taking advantage of my kindness. How I’m not even sure what I want to do, or if I want to go to grad school, but if I move home I can’t guarantee I’ll even be happier. She told me I can’t just call her up and say these things. Okay I won’t anymorw. My step-dad was sending me old pictures and videos of me pre-depression. I know he was trying to make me feel better but I asked him to stop because it was making me feel worse. I started to bawl my eyes out. I literally feel like I have no identity anymore. I’m literally just here, living. I’m an organism taking up space and air and I would be better off dead.

[Lily_Raven]

Sorry about people give you the same unhelpful advice I got or not really hear you. I am in kinda similar position, worthless college degrees with honor, crap resume, and I am 40 single childless women merely existing so I feel I have no purpose/meaning, I still trying to figure it out.

[Stilltrying_]

A question you maybe want to ask yourself is do you really want to kill yourself or do you just want your unhappiness to end? Your life is precious and it will not be how it is now for ever. Suicide is permanent and cannot be taken back. Please also think of all those you would hurt and get yourself help. If you feel in imminent danger right now phone a suicide hotline and save yourself as you are worth it.

I felt that way for a long time and now I am better so I am living proof that you can get better from your suffering and go on to live a happier life. Sending love and hugs,

Gemmalouise xxx

[Bebetterme]

You were put on this earth for a reason and that reason isn’t to kill yourself. Have you tried therapy (CBT) for your anxiety and depression? I think talking to someone who won’t judge you or make tot feel bad can help.

And if you ever need someone to talk to you can message me on here. Please hang in there. Hugs. <3

[reinagrace]

Hi bedroomblues I've felt that way at many times in my life, but it was also my fear of what would happen in next life that stopped me , most of the time, from suicide. (i did attempt it a couple times long ago) . My belief in God and help from Church, Bible, etc are among what helped take the edge off to at least make life somewhat bearable- but i'm not sure if you have that belief, so it's hard to relate to how i would've handled things without it. I know I wouldn't be here were it not for my faith and peace i get in some moments from participating in the church life. Yet, like Lily Raven, I'm also still trying to figure out bc it's not like i got to a place where i can say that yes i want to be on earth. I always would much rather go. But i remember those times when i had zero interest in anything and it seems that's where you are; so i hope you are able to somehow find something, anything that piques your interest to get some joy or relief. It's really lonely without friends so I pray you can find some real ones or even one real one- that's enough to lighten the load. Maybe try a depression support group- there are always those around and you;re more likely to find someone there who can relate to you as opposed to someone unable to handle your calls like your mom. When I can have a day that i spent some time with a friend, and did things that i took pleasure in somewhat, even just walking around seeing pretty things in nature- it doesn't give me answers but at least keeps me "out of my head". Antidepressants also help to get us out of these ruminating cycles in our minds- hopefully you are able to access professional help as well. I pray for your healing

[Hidden]

Your situation sounds urgent. I strongly advise you to seek medical attention. You are clinically depressed and in your current state cannot deal with this. I rarely advise medication, but in your case I would. You need to come back from the brink before you can even begin to put your life together. You can't expect someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. You're in a pit and only see darkness but there is a way out. You need lifting a bit to see it.

[Wannachange01]

Sorry to hear your friend doing that sometime don't depend so much and expect from other may hurt you in return so let free from cling and attachment and live yourself. Be kind and true.

[Hidden]

Sorry you are having such a tough time but three great thing is that you are alive and if you want something different four your priceless life take it one thing at a time. Focus on one change at a time. Create a better circle of people.those that are trying to encourage you find the value in that and thank them. Commit to your dreams and aspirations. Write down positive affirmations about you and read them everyday. Most importantly do not give up.Your life and presence is priceless and needed in this world.