Being Assertive

[faulhallen]

Good morning!

I was hoping to do a somewhat different kind of positive post this morning. At the risk of sounding like a lecture in a therapy session (which is how I got some of this information actually), I would like to talk about being assertive.

It’s easy for us to dismiss our own needs in favor of others. We want people to like us so we want to be agreeable. We put people we love in front of our own needs, especially if it’s our children or someone we would do anything for.

There are a large number of reasons why people might not effectively communicate their own needs. They might be anxious or afraid to do so. They don’t want to rock the boat or offend people. Maybe they just don’t want to seem needy or any other number of reasons.

But remember that your needs are perfectly valid to. You deserve respect and shouldn’t have to fight to get it. If someone does or says something to upset you you should be able to calmly and decisively stand up for yourself and request respect.

It won’t always work but if it doesn’t you probably don’t need that person in your life.

So what is being assertive right? Is that too aggressive for me?

Remember that being aggressive and being assertive are NOT the same thing. Communication generally falls into one of four categories.

Passive

Passive-aggressive

Aggressive

Assertive

The difference is entirely in relation to who’s needs are being respected. So when you’re passive, you don’t acknowledge your needs at all. When you’re aggressive you ONLY respect your own needs. When you’re passive-aggressive, you don’t really acknowledge your own needs but you’re kind of a dick about it.

Being assertive is communicating your needs while being respectful of others. I’m going to use an example that came up in that therapy session if that’s ok with everyone to show what this might look like.

You’re hanging out with a group of your friends and someone says, “What do you want to eat for dinner?”

Passive - “I don’t care.” Or maybe “Whatever everyone else wants is fine with me.”

Aggressive - “We’re having pizza.” Or possible something even more intense

Passive-aggressive - says they don’t care and then when everyone agrees on pizza they cue the eye rolls and say “well I wanted Chinese but whatever...”🙄

Assertive - “I’m really in the mood for a burger. What sounds good to everyone else?”

If you see how I wrote the assertive response you can see that I conveyed what I wanted while showing that I cared about what everyone else wanted. I don’t have to be rude or pushy, I’d like a burger. Maybe we end up going somewhere that doesn’t serve burgers this time and you compromise with the group but you’ve been heard and ideally treated respectfully. Also, by communicating your needs in a respectful way you increase the chances of having your own needs met. Maybe because you said you wanted a burger the group agrees on some place that serves most of what everyone wants in some way.

The example may sound silly but it’s just an easy way of showing the difference without making it too complex.

Remember always that your needs matter to. Whenever possible be respectful of others but never lose sight of the fact that what you need matters too.

[NCAQuilter]

I really love the graphic. And the example. It is so easy to fall into one or the other category at different times. Maybe it's only in one type of situation, or it's only with some type of people. Your reminder that everyone has needs and respect for theirs as well as our own is a great ideal. Everyone wins.

Thanks for the post.

[b1b1b1]

Very good advice and so well explained!

[AuntBee]

Excellent post. Thank you!