Being a caregiver

[Oct7skye]

Recently my father and aunt lost the home left to them by not paying the bills. They reached out to my siblings and I once it was too late. Long story short they needed a place to stay. At that time I couldn’t offer them a place for I was staying with one of my sisters waiting for my apartment to be ready but I have been helping with doctor appointment, money, and other needs. I now have my own place and my dad wants to stay with me but I’m a single mother with three children in which 2 have disabilities. My siblings don’t want to be bothered cause he just buys stupid stuff, don’t clean up behind his self, and refuses to take a bath. Unfortunately, my grandma has always spoiled him and he has no sense of responsibility on top of his mental health issues. I have tried talking to him about the issues but it’s like he don’t care and not trying to help himself. My siblings keep trying to push him on me but I personally and mentally can’t deal with it. I even had one sister tell me it’s a shame how you’ll let your dad be in the streets but when I said why he can’t stay with you she says she has to wait till she gets her house. Everybody is trying to make me feel bad for not wanting any extra responsibility or stress on top of what I already have. I don’t want to see him homeless but I cannot deal. What can I do? What options do I have? I hate nasty ppl and places.

[Agora1]

Hi Oct7skye, it's nice when family can help family during a difficult time. However,

with your father I don't see it as a short term solution to his problem. Being a caretaker

to an elderly parent who has mental health issues is a 24/7 full time job.

Looking back over your posts from the last 3 months, I don't hesitate to say you have

had more than your share of problems. I am proud that you have gotten as far as

you have in this short amount of time. Now that you have your children back, it is

your responsibility to care for them and yourself. It's true that you may feel guilty

in having to turn your back on your dad right now. He made poor choices which put

him into this position.

Depending how old he is and where you are located, you may be able to call

Senior Public Aid who can then assign a caseworker who may be able to find

him a safe place to stay. It's not fair to you to have to take on the brunt of all of

this since you do have siblings. You must take care of yourself first or there will

be no one to take care of your children. I wish you well. You've got a lot on your

plate right now. Try holding yourself together. xx

[Oct7skye in reply to Agora1]

Thank you!

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Again I’ll talk about family roles. Everyone has a role that’s created for them in a family and at a job. Just because your family assigns you a role doesn’t mean you have to take it. I refuse to take care of my mother. And to have your children around that in their home while you’re trying to make their lives as normal as possible is incredibly wrong. As a mom you stand up and say no. My children come first. It’s not your duty alone. I’ll give you a little body language to use. Put your hands up in front of you palms out as if your pushing something away. Speak helpful words but ‘he’s not coming here, I have my hands more than full’ and say no more. You will help when able obviously. This will visually give them the picture and in your brain help you push away the bullying. You are not the only responsible party but your children are your only responsibility. You’re their front line of defense. Good luck my dear.

[Oct7skye in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you so much

[SuZQ154]

Your frustration is understandable. It sounds like you know in your heart your answer is "No" but you feel guilty saying it? When you ask yourself, "If I were giving advice to my best friend in a similar situation, what would I tell her?" Is that the advice you need to hear and use for your situation? Changing our responses sometimes changes others responses too. Saying "no" seems to be written throughout your post Blessings to you today.