So yesterday morning I was feeling down. I’d had a pretty good week despite life trying to do what it does best and trying to find a hundred little ways to make things more miserable than they need to be... but something about it being Friday really brought me down... oh wait I know what it was... the knowledge that I’d be home all weekend.
I’m not going to complain about all of this again. At least not right now. I have too much to do to again fail at pleasing a couple of ungrateful women but I wanted to share this picture. I saw it on Facebook last night. I had tried to make a positive post yesterday but my phone deleted it and I wasn’t feeling rewriting it.
The picture captures my experience with life and battling depression seemingly perfectly. Except for the part where sooner or later I fail and end up worse than I was but I’m trying to not let that happen again.
One more month I tell myself. At the very worst it should only be one more month. I hope to visit apartments over the next week and a half and try and decide which I like the most. Hopefully I find something that seems like a great fit that will be available when I need it to be. Wheelchair access for if I bring my some over seems like the dreams of the filthy rich for the area I would prefer to live in which simply baffles me. Why do so many places insist on having this split level stairs the instant you walk in???
Everything else I can think to say is a complaint though. I’ll be ok. Don’t worry about me. Everyone on this site has always been amazing to me. I just have to make it to Monday when I can go to work and be around people who appreciate me for a change.
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faulhallen
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I can relate to you and thanks for sharing that picture. Only way to beat this is to tackle it head on until you win
I'm on a similar situation, dread nights weekends and holidays but focus on my boys. Already feeling Thanksgiving anxiety but fighting hard to keep it in check
Thank you very much. I try to focus on my kids but it’s hard and doesn’t always work. Within an hour of posting this my ex informed me of something that might put my moving out even farther away. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep putting up with all these delays. Based on everything we talked about 6 months ago I should be moving into my apartment next week. Then it was the beginning of December and now there’s a chance it’s even later than that.
I hope you’re getting things figured out on your end though!
I'm sorry to hear that, we are going to marriage counseling to see if we want to even stay in this marriage. She is all over the place volatile and unpredictable, we dint make progress or solve anything because she has put so much distance and barriers between us it's hard to talk about anything that's not small talk
I know what you mean in terms of the distance and barriers. We never did marriage counseling and maybe we should have a long time ago I don’t know. I hope things improve for you though. Thank you for your support 🙂
I'm sorry my advice was taken as garbage. I have had to use that advice, because 'failing' was not an option. In public I HAD to act confident in order to do any of my job. Instead of failing, I succeeded beyond anything I could have hoped for. I never faked competence or ability. Feeling uncomfortable in a normal situation, having a bad day, etc., were private problems and not for public display. Upsetting those around me is not my style.
You have every right to disagree with my posts; however to call them garbage is insulting. I had expected better from someone asking for help on this forum.
I didn’t mean the picture as disagreeing with or insulting to anyone. I’m truly sorry if you took it that way. I shared that picture because it was how I felt at the time and how I often feel about my life and my battle with depression.
I have tried to be a source of positivity on this site. Yes I have moments where I am struggling and complain but if I didn’t have something wrong in my life causing those moments I wouldn’t have ever found this site in the first place.
Yes the first bit of the picture isn’t worded in a positive way and I see where it could be insulting to some people but not everything works for everyone. I have tried for years to act in ways contradicting how I felt “or faking it,” and quite frankly I can’t recall a time I ever shifted to feel that way. I have been able to dust myself off and keep trying though. So for me facing it as opposed to faking it is more inspiring, at least in the context the post was meant.
I am at a point in my life where I am the happiest and most emotionally stable that I’ve been in nearly ten years Monday through Thursday. When the realization sets in that’s it’s Friday I start feeling like I would rather kill myself than spend another weekend in this toxic environment. A place where I can be having the best day and be brought down immediately within seconds of walking in the door.
Overall that picture basically describes my life every week. I get up, I fight my way through the week shrugging off little things that would have sent me spiraling even 6-7 months ago and then I hit the weekend and it’s like everything goes to hell simply because I haven’t abandoned my children financially for the sake of my own happiness.
So I’m sorry that you seemed to take that as a personal attack on yourself but it really wasn’t meant to be. I did not address anyone in the post itself, I said that’s how I felt about my life and battling depression, and right at the end I even said everyone on this site has always been amazing to me. I haven’t forgotten the advice you gave me last week either and plan to look into some of it still when I move out.
Apology gratefully accepted. It was the 'garbage' part that hurt. I believe in facing my problems as do you. When they knock me down, standing up can be an affirmation that I am stronger than my depression/anxiety. That said, there are times that faking was a better strategy. When it comes on while I am in the middle of a consultation or making a public speech that a hundred people have paid a lot of money for, faking confidence in myself and the message I'm imparting is very important for the people around me. So, I gulp, smile, and continue. I'll deal with it when I'm in private or with my family. Actually, there were times that I really felt really good after I overcame the depression. Perhaps, fighting depression with positive thoughts isn't a bad technique.
I first heard the expression in 1982, from the owner of a business I was buying. He was talking about faking competence, something I will never condone. I use the expression only to deal with depression/anxiety. I had a business that required my name be known to get the type of client I wanted to deal with. To be known, I had to be exposed! Not the most pleasant thing. If I didn't love what I did for my clients, I could never have tolerated being in public like that. I'm sure I wasn't dealing with the anxiety as well as I could have, but I was successfully doing my job!
I am worried about you and your children. You love them very much, obviously. Children process things differently than adults do. While they see you in a place where they are, do they wonder why you are so unhappy? Many times, a child will 'know' the unhappiness is because of them. You may try to hide your depression from them, but they are very astute. And, they aren't happy if you're not! Nothing else matters as much to them as that. Not the quality of their food, their clothes, or even the house they live in. So, I encourage you to move out as soon as humanly possible. You may not be able to see them as often, but you all will be much happier when you do. Until they are teenagers, that is!
I pray that you find the peace you are looking for.
All of that makes perfect sense and I’m still sorry I made you feel insulted in any way. It was an image someone shared on Facebook and it resonated with my mood.
You sound very successful. 🙂 I couldn’t give speeches like that in front of people regularly. Were you buying businesses for yourself or for a company you worked for?
I have successfully fought depression with positive thoughts just not really in the way you describe. For me what helped was remembering the way my daughter is so happy to see me and telling myself I must be doing something right.
As far as my children go, it’s impossible to tell how much my son processes. He’s completely disabled and nonverbal. I don’t remember if I’ve shared that anywhere since I remade my account. However, my daughter is showing signs that something is wrong. Sadly me moving out isn’t the only thing that needs to change. We live with my ex’s mother for childcare reasons and she is one of the nastiest people I’ve ever met. My ex is talking about moving out as well.
My daughter has become very sensitive to people even seeming the slightest bit angry or like they’re fighting. It’s so hard for me to see. I think she knows she’s loved but I worry about whether or not she’s hurting worse than she lets on.
As far as moving goes the original agreement was stay until she graduates, got a job, stay until I save enough to move out and do so. She graduated at the end of September and had already lined up her dream job for after she got her license. She got her license at the beginning of October and then was told she’d start her job the 29th instead of pretty much right away. That’s what pushed back the original moving date so much but it seems like life is piling on little things that just make it worse and seeming like it’ll take longer.
I won’t see them as often but I plan to see them for at least a few hours 2-3 days during the week and hopefully every other weekend or a similar arrangement.
Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me! 😃 I hope you’re doing well and I’m sorry again.
Wow, you've got a lot on your plate. At least your daughter has the ability to move out soon. Your mountain will be scaled by you with one step at a time. You know more than many that one step may come with several back slides before it is fully made.
My psychiatrist gave me some advice that I try to practice. I had let things that are beyond my control overwhelm me. Into the mix, of course were things I could control. I didn't see the different impact they had on my life. She suggested I make a list of the things bothering me, and put them into one of two categories: Control; No Control. And let go of the things I can't control. (The AA prayer!)
You have a number of things that I see could fit into these categories: No Control; your son's disability, your MIL's meanness, as examples. You can't change these, but how you react to them may be changeable, or you are already in a good place with them.
Your loss of ability to change your son's disability may be mitigated by seeing he has the best care you can afford, making certain he makes his appointments. I'm certain you have these under control. Accepting the loss of control over his outcome is what can be done. Take a deep breath, step back, let go, give a big sigh of relief.
Your MIL is another story. A change in your attitude towards her may make you feel better. Be as pleasant to her as you can when she's nasty and whenever you have to interface with her. Try to see her as someone who is in a lot of pain, and doesn't know where to spew her anger except other people, like you. This may allow you to understand and even forgive some of her meanness. What I see as a good thing she is doing is letting you live in her home. She let you in, and hasn't thrown you out! She see's your being there as some kind of benefit. It may be just the rent, but, she could have found another renter if she really wanted to! Whatever, she has afforded you this grace. This may make it easier to put up with meanness and be pleasant.
By looking carefully at the items put into your No Control list, you may find ways to change attitude, or even ways to control it. After the wild fires, we volunteered our guest room to a victim of the fire. No control over the fire, but control over helping to dispel the misery.
The things I can control I made a plan to do that. Small steps daily until I was able to be satisfied with outcomes.
These are ideas that help me. I hope they may help you, or start you thinking.
By-the-way, all the activities I described were for my part of the business my husband and I owned for almost 40 years. And, yes, we were successful as we termed success: doing what we loved, the way we wanted, and making some money. Financial success was our lowest priority, but it came.
Sorry. I replied to your post because I saw so clearly what I thought might help you, I completely overlooked your daughter.
Do you think she may be having 'achievement blues'? This can happen when a long, hard worked for goal is achieved. We can sometimes go into mourning for the goal that is no longer there. Then, there is the excitement/worry about a new job. That would make me touchy!
Tell her you love her. Don't ask if she knows. She already knows. Just keep saying 'I love you'.
I hate the asking part because my father used as a tool to manipulate. As in, 'You know I love you, don't you? Well then, would you ............'. Ending with 'get me some ice cream, lend (give) me $1,000'. And, what can someone say but, 'Yes'. I see it as manipulation. Others might not.
Your daughter sounds like a lovely, talented girl. You are right to be proud of her. Great job!
Thank you very much for your insights in both your responses. I’ve always tried to be at least as polite as possible to my MIL if not kind. I’m not sure what my face says and I know I’ve snapped or been short around her but I don’t know that it’s ever been directed at her. I do appreciate the help she’s given us but it’s always felt like something she did for my ex or our children, not me. My daughter has actually told me that my MiL told her she wishes I’d disappear. Sadly that was back before me and my ex even separated. She has always hated me and I don’t fully know why. My only guess at this point would be because I had the nerve to fall in love with her only child.
My daughter is about to turn 8 and I would never intentionally do stuff like that. I tell her I love her all the time and try and compliment her because I want her to grow up loving herself. She is a lovely girl and very talented when she wants to be. She’s the sweetest thing and you can tell she just wants every one to be happy and have fun together. She’s said for years she wishes her brother could play with her. Her biggest problems right now are the one I mentioned if people seem mad and she’s been having problems listening and paying attention to her surroundings. Part of that is understandable because she’s 7 and been diagnosed with ADD but the one medication we tried caused her to stop eating nearly entirely. She went from being only kind of picky to only eating Chik Fil A nuggets and one or two other things and then crying because she didn’t want to eat anymore after only a few bites. We had to take her off of it because she lost too much weight. There’s been some discussion about trying a different one if it continues causing problems but we haven’t yet.
I’ve never made a written list like that but I have tried to acknowledge what is and isn’t in my control. More of it probably is in my control than it feels like but I’ve gotten so used to just not fighting for things because life at home is easier if I don’t and even when things were good it never worked anyway. I may have to try writing it down though because seeing it written might make it easier to commit to memory as being something I need to change my attitude towards.
I need to go to bed though. I should have been asleep ages ago. I like your definition of success as well. I never worried about how much money I’d make when I grew up and still probably wouldn’t if I didn’t have kids. I hope you’re doing well and thank you again!
Sounds like you are addressing your problems as well as possible. One quick thought - you may have married her only child, but, even so, she allows you to live there. Just something to think about. I hope a list helps you.
I saw your comment about your daughter taking ADD meds. My daughter also takes them. It is really hard to find the right one. We had to try several before we found what worked. Vivance made her cry the 1st day she took it and made her more depressed it seemed. Then we tried Ativan and after she took that she started pulling out her eyebrows and eyelashes. So we went off that one quickly. Then we she was taking Quillavant which also agreed with her but when the disaster in Puerto Rico happened they couldn't manufacture it anymore because the plant was destroyed. We had one other that I can't remember the name of but insurance stopped covering it and $150 a month is too much to dish out. Now she takes one called Cotempla and that has been working. It is very frustrating, I totally know how you feel.
There is a test called Genesight that some psychiatrist offices administer. They basically take a swab of your daughters cheek and send it to the lab. The results can tell you how your body metabolizes various medicines and which ones are better and which ones you should stay away from. It has been useful to us. But insurance does not hardly cover it. However the company that administers it puts a cap at $300 that you pay out of pocket. The amount they put through to insurance companies is ridiculous. Like $2,000. Even $300 is expensive though. We were kind of at our wits end though between anti-anxiety meds and the add meds.
Thank you. I’ve heard of that test before but I never knew its name. I may ask my ex to look into that. I have mixed feelings about add medicine because I want her to be able to focus but I don’t want her to be where she doesn’t feel like herself. I was diagnosed as an adult and have high blood pressure but one of the few I’ve tried worked really well in terms of being able to focus but it was like it shut down all the creative parts of my brain. I enjoy feeling creative and just despised not feeling like myself.
Thank you again for the support. I will definitely keep that in mind.
I agree about the ADD meds. Its so hard when they are so little too. I waited until my daughter was about 9 or 10 to try them with her because before that point I just did not believe she would be able to communicate how they were making her feel.
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how I’m feeling 
Feeling conflicted 
feeling good and then
Just feeling invisible 
Feeling very alone and invisible today.... want it to stop!
