I just want it to stop...

[IckleMoogle]

So i wrote the other day a bit about me and before i get into anything, i want to say thank you for the support u all gave me.

Last night however, i wanted to just end it. Part of me still wants too frankly, but i cant because i know my dad needs me. Hes suffering so much. Basically my mother is an alcoholic but ever since dad was diagnosed with cancer shes gotten a million times worse. Now she just verbally abuses dad, or anyone who questions her. They have been married almost 35 years now and shes become a lier, a theif and a cheat.

Last night another argument happened, because she stole dads bank card amd gave ot to my brothers girlfriend. I know for a fact it was mum. At first she told us it was my brothers gf, who stole it because she needed to buy food for the kids. In my anger i confronted the pair of them, and straight away mum was like "dont bring het into this, she hasnt done anything" mum had literally forgotten she had blamed her for this. Naturally i apologised because if she is innocent she doesn't deserve to be yelled or screamed at for stealing from a sick man.

In the end, mum sat there laughing at me. I told her, "i am ashamed to call u mum. U abuse ur husband, a man struggling with cancer, and take advantage knowing he will forgive u." id had enough. Its just wrong to treat any person that way...

Basically in the end, she threw my abusive past relationship in my face. She knows im struggling so much to move past it. From being beaten and verbally attacked everyday, being cheated on, u name it it happened. And all she could say was "well, i guess i learned a thing or two from him. I see why he did it. U want to pretend to be the big person, protect ur dear daddy. Well newflash sweetheart, u cant. He made sure u knew ur place. So remember that little girl, step out of line and u deserve what comes to you."

That.... From my own flesh and blood, someone who is supposed to protect me.... I know she is wrong, no person deserves to be abused the way i was....

I literally broke. Like i could feel my heart wanting to rip out of my chest, and faught back so much from reaching for pills and trying to end it all again.

I know people say the pain transfers to others from suicide, but at this point, is this pain and suffering me or my father have to deal with every day even worth it? Maybe taking my life might be the wakeup call mum needs to stop this :/

We put down dogs or cats to then their sufferering, why do we as humans force ourselves to suffer? Why do we allow ourselves to suffer the way we do? These sre all the things telling me to just do it.

The only thing stopping me is simple. Dad, because he shouldn't have to suffer alone, along with thr loss of his daughter aswell which no doubt my mum would tell him its his fault... Ugh i just want all this hate and suffering to end...

[Hidden]

Hi Ickle,

You don't know me, and maybe in a way that's a good thing because although I am not in your situation, I can see if from outside with both a compassionate heart and an objective brain.

I grew up with a father who was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He wasn't an alcoholic, but rage was his demon. PTSD wasn't something military vets talked about or admitted to in those days. We didn't even have a word for it, but a lot of men came back not knowing how to express what they felt inside and a lot of wives and children became the victims of their abuse. 2 things happened. I felt helpless when he went after my mother because I couldn't do anything about it, and I became obsessive compulsive because that was something I could control.

Interspersed with that was a feeling of being lost and a strong sense of hopelessness and shame. Who do you tell when your a kid living in terror? You blame yourself for being helpless, but you also feel shame because your family isn't like anyone else's and no one will get it. You may have a single friend to lean on, but even that friend pulls away because they don't want to be associated with "that family."

I remember going into the bathroom in high school thinking swallowing a bottle of pills wold be a good plan. I swallowed aspirin in my inexperience and all I got was a stomach ache and then hated myself because I couldn't even die correctly.

Later in life I still felt hopeless and trapped, and a few times pulled up to a lake thinking what if I just drove in. No one would miss me, no one would care, the pain will end, I wont be responsible or guilty or ashamed anymore. I'll find peace at the bottom of the lake. Like you I stopped myself time and again because I knew my mother would need me, or my sister, or someone. Eventually what I realized though is that those were excuses. I really did not want to die, I really wanted the pain to end. Dying would not truly have any impact on anyone else except me. You mum won't change because you die. She will still be selfish. That's what alcoholics are. Self -serving. She will always be abusive angry and mean until she decides to get help for her disease.

You, my friend have to stay alive for you. You have to separate who you are from your circumstances and realize that your life has value separate and apart from the chaos of your parents dysfunction. You have a purpose and a worth and it is not tied to being a caregiver for either of your parents. When you find that worth probably with the help of a counselor, you will heal from this pain, and when you do you will be able to take care of dad in a different way, and confront your mother with a strength you don't even know you have in you, but its there.

Meanwhile lean in . This forum allows you to do that, so take advantage of the strong shoulders.

[IckleMoogle in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. That really does mean a lot. I agree. I dont want to die. I tried to commit suicide before, i ended up taking 64 paracetamol and drank a full bottle of cider to wash it down. It was my abusive ex who found me and i guess the only good thing he ever did for me was to call an ambulance there and then. It was horrible and i really dont want to go back to that place again.

[Hidden in reply to IckleMoogle]

Ex. I like that word. It means that person and all that they represented that was negative in your life are behind you. I am glad he made that call and you are still here

[SuZQ154]

So sorry you are feeling so low. Also, I am happy to hear you do not want to die. Life is worth living and your dad does need you. There is hope. Please keep reaching out here and to others...counselors, friends, family, pastors. You are a good daughter and have a good heart. There is HOPE!