Defective.

[_Bai_]

I am new to this. I do not know how this all works. I do know that I feel alone. I feel crazy. I feel defective and broken because of my anxiety. I do not have control of it anymore.

[Redfox9]

hey, welcome to this site, we're all here to support each other. you can open up here and vent out,as there'e no one to judge you here.

[_Bai_ in reply to Redfox9]

I am living with my significant other who is also contributing but not the whole cause of my anxiety. He knows I suffer from it on a regular basis and is empathetic to it the majority of the time. I dont think he fully understands what its like to feel like something else is running the controls up in your mind. I dont always have full control over my emotions, actions, and reactions. I fight it and try to control myself but I usually cant. Just like anyone else I have good days and bad days. Clutter and general mess is a huge trigger for me and has been my entire life and I cope with it by just cleaning. My houses/apartments have never been dirty and i like to think its a good outlet. However when I moved in with my boyfriend he is not a very clean or organized person but I love in spite of it. I have done everything short of begging on my knees to get him to help me keep things tidy. To some people this may seem like a dumb reason to be anxious or a dumb thing to let bother me. To people who know how anxiety works, you wont think that. Im on of those people who feels defective or broken because of my anxiety. I just broke down and told him that hes contributing a great deal to my anxiety and if it he doesnt start helping I cant do it anymore. I work 11 hours a day, drive over 2 hours in traffic (round trip), and i come home to a house that he has let get messy while hes been home all day. Things are more complex because he brought his 6 year old son to live with us. Myself and his son have become quiet attached to one another and I dont want to see him be hurt but i feel my mental health worsening because I feel like Im just in this alone. I feel like a live in maid for the both of them. Kids are naturally messy and I get that 100%. All I ask is for him while hes off 3/5 days a week to just help pick up our home, is that too much? Am i crazy?

[Redfox9 in reply to _Bai_]

No you aren't asking too much, it's not even consider as a demand to keep surrounding clean. And you should have a clear talk with your bf, In a relationship it's important to understand each other, relationship dosen't mean only for fun. Make him realise your suffering, he will surely understand, otherwise you have to take some serious steps, there's no point being in a relationship where you're not happy.

[_Bai_ in reply to Redfox9]

Thank you so much. I explained to him yesterday that it is driving me literally crazy and that is causing me to become extremely unhappy and semi resentful. He helped out a little and made sure the house was clean when I got home yesterday but at this point Im waiting for him to give up. I think he'll stick with it for a few days, maybe even a coupe of weeks but I dont seriously expect him to work really hard at it. If it was important to him and I was as well I feel like he would have fixed the problem already. Am i wrong for wanting to end it rather now than later?

[Redfox9 in reply to _Bai_]

See as per general thinking he will stop it as it's isn't like this. YOu have to make cleaning his hobby. Appreciate his efforts, may be it's very little for you, but too much for him. Try appreciating, that it means lot to you that he's doing his part, try making it sounds that you're super happy with his change in his behavior. Then he will also think that if this little thing make her happy, why not adapt it. Show change in your behavior too.

It's not easy to have a breakup. Yes he should have already understood it, but give him chance. Don't be in a hurry. He changed that means you means something for him. Don't think too much about future, let things go their own.

If it isn't meant to be, it won't. Leave that thought to future, but if things go worst, then you have to do something.

Hope you find peace in your life and everything will be fine for you.

[Redfox9 in reply to _Bai_]

And don't feel lonely or isolated about anxiety. You have whole community here to support you. Chill, everything will be just fine.

[_Bai_ in reply to Redfox9]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have noticed a slight change and i told him I am extremely appreciative for it. However I am going out of town this weekend to visit family. If I come back and things have gone back to the way they were before (which is what Im expecting) then I have no other choice than to call it a quits.

[Redfox9 in reply to _Bai_]

It's okay, If you think being in this relationship is adding up your tension and anxiety, then leave it. What's point of being in a relationship where you aren't happy.You have your whole life, you will get better. Hope everything goes well for you.