Feelings Don't Walk Away People Do

I have grown very weary of the propensity people have, in this country anyway, of treating the emotions of other people as if they are controllable and as though there is a statute of limitations on how long a person should be able to experience any given mental state.

You can be happy all day long and individuals support that positive emotion, but the instant any other emotion presents itself, suddenly you become a pariah. Grief for example is tolerated until about a week or so following a funeral, and then the exodus occurs. The casseroles stop arriving at your doorstep, the phone stops ringing, life resumes and it is business as usual for everyone except the individual who suffered the loss. This is ironic because it is in that silence, in that void, that death becomes most real and when that person needs people around the most. Friendship, defined as a state of mutual trust and support, has become conditional. Support is dependent on an individual remaining happy, the life of the party, and maintaining an outward façade of perkiness. Similar to loss of a loved one, when someone has suffered a broken heart, friends are present for a few days, buying wine and hanging out commiserating about how evil the “ex” truly was, and how they never liked him/her anyway. Three weeks later, when you still feel like crap on a cracker, those same people who placated you with platitudes and swore that “if you need anything just call me” have moved on, tired of being around you because you are bringing them down. They begin to whisper, “When is she going to get over it already?” “Get over it” are the three most loathsome words in the English language… Uttering that phrase really equates to invalidating a person and telling them that they are not worthy of your time and attention.

This contingent nature of friendship, as well as the tendency of people to be opportunistic, temporarily befriending those who they feel they can gain something from, and then moving on when the relationship is no longer convenient or beneficial, is one of the reasons people feel lonely. There are people in their lives; however, those people do not hold up their end of the social contract inherent in a friendship. There are levels of intimacy in any relationship. The person positions himself or herself next to you on the bus, and tells you their life story on the way to work is not your friend. He is a stranger who has no obligation to listen to your story any more than you are obligated to listen to his. You may be polite and tune in while he rails on about his cat throwing up on the duvet, but he cannot expect anything from you emotionally because you are strangers. People that you call friend and vice versa should in fact be individuals with whom you have achieved a higher level of intimacy, and intrinsic to the definition of intimacy, a close, familiar, loving association develops wherein that person should be there in a fundamentally sincere way as opposed to the shallow nature that friendship seems to take these days. The 2000 people collected on Face Book and labelled “friends” are in actuality validation mechanism by which people have come to feel accepted and valued. It is a bargain basement facsimile of the real thing. At the end of the day; however, when night falls and you find yourself alone following a traumatic event such as death or heartbreak, the likes you have received on social media are hardly a comfort.

Kindness is free; friendship is both free and priceless. It saddens me some days to be unable to invest in human beings knowing that they will inevitable disappoint me, not be there when I need them. I spent so many years investing in others with everything that I had, only to find that those same people did not return on my investment. He strangers I invest in via community service have given back more just in their gratitude than people who are supposed to care…people who have bandied the word friend about without comprehending its true meaning.

I am edgy lately. It is October, and the 30th is my mother’s birthday. This is my first year without her, so every holiday feels like the day she died. This was her time of year. She loved the foliage and Thanksgiving. There are those who would say “get over it” it has been a year she left us. I try very hard to embody her gracious kind spirit, but every time I hear that phrase, her spirit leaves me and I have strong inclinations toward smacking the insensitivity right off of people.

[Nicesomebody]

Hi Auberie,

I am sorry for your loss.

Sending you love and sunshine, ☀️

[Hidden in reply to Nicesomebody]

Thank you very much Nicesomebody. That is very kind of you

[Xene]

Hi Auberie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mother two and a half years ago and I tend to find that mere words are never enough! She will live on in your heart and mind. Gone but never to be forgotten.

[Hidden in reply to Xene]

Thank you Xene. I have heard so many people say that over time, they have had trouble remembering the person that they have lost, and I was afraid that that would happen to me. I am fortunate that I was able to save voicemails and emails from my mother so that I can still hear her voice.

[hypercat54]

I lost my father 10 years ago and my mother 5 and to be honest no one has ever told me or expected me to just move on and get over it. On the contrary I have exchanged many stories of lost loved ones with others and we all say how difficult it is and how much we still love and miss them.

I always say you have to eventually move on with your life coz it's what your loved one would have wanted for you, but they will always have a very special place in your life. Everyone needs time to grieve and to mourn and to go through the stages of grief however long that takes them. Too many don't and get 'stuck' in it which sometimes requires counselling.

[kenster1]

I like your picture the words are so true.im sorry to hear of your loss thoughts with you family and friends.i feel your pain its happened to me on man occasions.feel free to pm me or chat on here.god bless and take care.

[Hidden in reply to kenster1]

Thank you so much for understanding, empathizing, and offering your availability on pm

[Missnoname]

So eloquently spoken. This is the reason I've become so isolated. True friendships are few and far between.

[Hidden in reply to Missnoname]

Hi Missnoname. I hope we both find through being here a way to feel less isolated and alone. Please know that I am out here

[Nannydi]

Sorry for the loss of your mother. I know how it feels firsthand. I lost my dad last Christmas . He had a sudden heart attack on the weekend of our family celebration. He also loved this time of year. Thanksgiving was his favorite because all the family was together without the stress of presents, etc.. Since last year, my family has become estranged. My older sister to whom I was close to , handled things badly and when I spoke up, she verbally attacked me and now doesn't speak to me. I feel that I no longer have any family. My mom is moving in with my younger sister and my two older sisters live together and they don't speak to me. I live in another state and feel alone. I have lost my two best friends here, also this year. I guess I repel people and find myself alone. Depression is difficult and you are right, that people only want to be your friend when you are bubbly and have no problems. True friends are a thing of the past. I hope things get better for you and you get through the holidays .

[Hidden]

My heart broke for you as I read what you wrote. I have never understood how family can turn its back on family. It makes me want to write another entry about that. It seems that people who want family the most are the ones who find themselves without it. I always thought I would have that whole Walton's family Christmas thing in my life. It seems I started out with a huge family...my mom was one of 11 and my father 1 of five and family was always around, large and loud. Now I somehow wound up alone. The family diminished almost over night. People pass, move away, get too busy, or become estranged and it is so saddening especially estrangement. I wish healing for you and your family so that you do not have to be alone. I am so sorry about the loss of your best friends too. Today I woke up and decided to do what my mother always said...when you feel badly, go do something for someone else, and see what happens. So I went and made sandwiches for the homeless. I met some incredible people who restored my faith in humanity at least for today. The founder of the organization was homeless himself. He grew up in a rough part of Chicago and joined a gang, got into drugs, wound up in prison, and then on the streets homeless and hopeless, but he said someone reached out to him on the streets and had faith in him. That person told him that he wasn't unworthy or useless as he had been told his whole life, so he went and got an AA in addiction counseling and vowed to help the homeless which he does one sandwich at a time. He went from being an outcast to being a leader. Over 50 people showed up today to make and deliver food, clothes , and supplies to homeless people. He doesn't allow tables or any kind of barriers between the volunteers and the homeless, because he wants people to make eye contact, shake hands and treat them with dignity. Yes I am lonely, and at times give up on human beings, but standing in the shadow of that level of humility and kindness, I was able to put it aside for a few hours and have renewed faith that things wont always be as hard as they seem right now. Mommie is still reaching out through her wisdom Hang in there.