How to help brother?

[Nature_blue32]

(This issue I’m currently in Is a complex one and this post is a long read /may be a bit jumbled around)

I’m currently 24 years old and my brother is 27. We were both adopted at birth from separate birth parents to a very loving, amazing and supportive family. Throughout the last 4 years or so his behavior/demeanor, diet, social skills, drive and outlook on life has progressively gotten worse, and recently has made myself and my parents more and more concerned for him and his physical and mental health.

My brother is a very smart and intelligent person, who is extreamly savvy with technology. After learning to code after he graduated college, he has worked as a developer at the same company for the last few years, making great money, however doesn’t seem to show any enthusiasm for the company or the people he works with, nor has he once been relunctant to speak to my family about any detail of work. He gets to work at about 7am or so, and leaves at about 3:30/4pm (the earliest he can) to come home to the den he has created for himself in the basement of my parents home (see paragraph below).

Though I’ve moved across the country for work and to experience a new area of life and my career, he has remained living at my parents home. In the middle of his college experience ~2009, his girlfriend of many years ended things with him-this devastated him - yet he never really opened up to any of us about this. Since then also, his social circle has shrunk greatly, he used to have a handful of friends of many different dynamics and interests he would hangout with, but lately he really only communicates with 2-3 people and usually just through the internet and gaming. Additionally over these last handful of years my brother has rarely been to communicating with me ans my parents and rarely ever offers ant respect or gratitude their way-usually having headphones in on the computer-anything, he’ll grunt or offer and 1-2 word response to anything they try to say or any effort to start a casual conversation and build a bridge with him.

After building a computer about four years ago, he created an area for himself in the house’s basement with multiple computer screens, tons of cans of dip (chewing tobacco) and bottles full of dip spit, in addition to tons of trash scattered around and many plates from meals he has eaten down there. In other words it’s a mess. Every day he spends the entire days away down there in front of those screens, playing video games and watching movies /shows. Lately, he has mainly been playing violent shooting-centric video games like “counter-strike.”

In addition to living in front of computer monitors, gaming, dipping and eating tons of junk food and microwaved food, over the last handful of years he’s struggled to constantly maintain a hobby/activity to release his stress and stay active, which has brought us grave concern for him as he seeks to find an identity. He goes from being into one thing/hobby to dropping it/any ambition for it completely and they seem to be getting less and less active: One year he was very into cycling, purchasing a bike and clothes etc. then last year, he was really into golf and even purchased a country club membership, then this last winter he became quite into curling. While these mentioned activities he’s been into have actually been active and fun for him, the “new thing” he got into has raised alarm for me and my parents.

While my parents were traveling last month for an extended amount, I had come back to visit some friends and attend a wedding and stayed at home. There he showed me his newest purchase...an AR-15...that moment I saw it my heart stopped and I immediately became worried for his and my parents safety. When my parents got back and I had gone back to work, they soon discovered the AR and his pistol and immediately made him sell the guns back (my father has ALWAYS had a no gun in their house rule) and show the receipt of this transaction-which he did. Though he relayed that he used it strictly for shooting ranges and relieving stress, I am now constantly very worried about his and my parents safety.

Overall, because of thIs and the culmination of a these other different factors I’ve laid out and things progressing how they have in the past 4-5 years, I and my parents are extremely concerned for his current state of mental health and feel that he is becoming volatile and depressed.

My parents and I have recently chatted about this all, and have now become all on the same page with understanding this complex issue and the importance on getting him the right help ASAP. We realize it’s a complex issue and want to build a bridge in helping him find his life again.

Looking forward, we think it will be worthwhile that I and my parent see a counselor/professional to discuss this and hear their thoughts on how to approach this issue, but I wanted to share this with the community here to hear any thoughts or ways forward you may have.

If you have any thoughts PLEASE let me know or if you have any questions for additional details that may be needed, let me know.

Thank you so much for reading and helping.

[zevietnameseguy98]

It sounds like he's also going through a lot mentally. I think you guys should try a little more to open up about his feelings. I could see how he switched his love and attention to building his computer after his break up because of all the left-over feelings. Perhaps get him to see a therapist and talk about his issues that he might have deep down? Having firearms while he's not mentally stable can be quite a risk, I hope you guys tell him that. I am sorry to hear this. I hope he gets better. Best of luck and well wishes to you guys xoxo.

[dee_bells in reply to zevietnameseguy98]

I agree he is spiraling downward and his mental health is deterriorating and I wonder if the games he is playing are violent ones.

Sounds like he is really depressed. I would try to find out if he would be going to therapy?

Can you talk with him? You’re a wonderful sister for caring so much but start with him from a place of love.

I wish you all the best and good luck. 😁😁🌸🌸🌸

[fauxartist]

I think your doing all the right things...and the removing of the guns for sure. An intervention is a serious issue...and unless our brother is willing to change....you can't change him. We have a 21 year old here who has played video games since he was a young kid. This was before my time here, but it was his way of getting out of the situation with his abusive parent at the time, and getting out his frustration with the online playing....as of last 2 years he started college and found a girlfriend. He has cut back on his game time...but plays with his childhood friends and talks to them while they all play these games together....so I think he's okay. When he was younger he was extremely shy and said very little...then I was concerned for him...but since the ex- has been long since booted out and most of the damage to him well on the mend...he has become a pretty okay guy.

My point is....your brother is no able to express his feelings any other way for right now obviously....and if it were not for the purchase of guns I wouldn't be concerned. but I would set boundaries about the mess....and house rules. And don't expect he will want to do counselling....but your parents have a right to express to him they want this or he can find his own place....they are alarmed by the gun purchase and need clarity in a professional therapy situation.

[IheartDogs]

Really sorry about your brother but you're a caring sister. Safety is always the primary concern, especially with the firearm he just purchased. Because he still lives in your parents' house, they can set and enforce rules especially when it comes to everybody's safety. Perhaps a family intervention is needed. It does sound like your brother needs help and if he is not willing to accept it, it'll be up to your parents to take action because he's in their home. I don't know if you live in or near a metropolitan area, if so most have emergency crisis teams that can make home visits. Wishing you all good luck.