Hopeless and no solution

[missskippy]

Hi, I'm new here and I'm not sure if I am even posting in the right place. I have severe depression since 1984. I od'd but not to kill myself it was too just sleep and end a fight with my boyfriend. I woke up in emergency room not knowing why my family was there. I had to be observed in Psych. ward for 3 days. I had group therapy everyday. I kept thinking I am not supposed to be here because I just grabbed any medication and took it to sleep. I felt out of place and like I was pretending in group I was depressed because why else would someone take so many pills. I told them why, I kept thinking if I stay here any longer I will become depressed as I didn't have the same feelings or problems as the other people. I went home and came for group therapy for 2 weeks. I think after taking pills because I could not handle my life with my live in boyfriend it made me always think of doing it again but not for sleeping anymore, just to stop everything and the pain. I was 24 at the time I took pills. I am now turning 57 years old in 8 days. I don't know when I gave myself a time limit of living till I was 40 only. Then I didn't feel strong enough to see my parents or sisters die before me and wanted to die before them. I tried not to get close to anyone else because I was afraid of the pain of losing someone. I had my own dog and he came when I tried to harm myself again. Having my dog helped me get out of bed and go out because my dog was my responsibility, but I told myself to live as long as my dog, who was my baby, I wasn't scared of what might happen to him since I was going with whoever died before me. My dog died & I didn't and have been feeling guilty and keep planning when. It felt like the pain would never go away and I still can't bury his ashes or touch the box it came in trying to think it's not him, he is not that small. I was in really bad shape then I thought I need to get another dog to love. I didn't like my new dog I guess I felt guilty for having her and not keeping my promise to my other dog. I started to feel better after seeing my Dr. for meds. I am not the same person anymore. I take my dog out when I know no one would be out in public. I had fits of crying and had to give up my job, for safety reasons. I would feel like I can return to work and miss too many times. things got worse at work when I was accidentally hit by a patient who was delirious and lost most of my teeth and could not afford to get dentures, I was fired so no dental plan. I stayed in and got fat and ugly. I didn't care anymore, I have been living in my parents basement and because I only went out to see doctor I have no friends, and I missed seeing my relatives for house parties I skipped. I am again in a place where I I plan to live only till I am 60. I don't have anything left to do, and will become a burden to my parents who are old and I can't help with no job, it gets harder to care about living. My family don't know why I am still depressed & I don't know why. My sister won't talk to me if I mention suicide even when I am just trying to let them know how I feel. I keep thinking how do I get out when I am embarrassed I have no teeth and can't work so \I can pay for it. I know it is what I need to get off being depressed. I have always had low self esteem but now I have no way to help myself, unless I win the lottery. So why wait till I am 60. I'll just regret what I have missed because I can't get dentures.I know it is funny to be like this because of my ugliness but I know it is the only thing that will get me back to gain confidence and go out, but it will never happen. I stopped going to church because I am mad at God for taking things away from me and not others. Any ideas I can't see anyway other reason to wait in pain alone for more years. Meds and therapy never helped. I don't know how to post this now or what to do next.

[zevietnameseguy98]

I am so sorry to hear your story. You have been through a lot and it sounds so tough. I hope that things turn out better for you. Best wishes and stay strong. Good luck xoxo.

[CazO46]

Hi missskippy, you are a brave lady to have come through so much in your life but your compassion for others is clear, I wonder if you can show yourself some of that love and compassion? It sounds like you have a gift for looking after animals so I wonder if you could start by volunteering with an animal charity? Animals don't care if you have teeth or not they sense kindness. I would like to think that there are plenty of people out there that will not judge you for the way you look.... Having experienced a serious illness I know how vulnerable you feel when you think you are 'not as good' as other people. You have strength within you, dig deep to find it again . Take care xxx

[cbonne846]

Missskippy, I've suffered from depression since I was 16 and now I'm 49. I feel old and I'm still suffering from depression, I tell myself why I can't I put my life together, I'm too old for this. My medicine doesn't work that well and I feel discouraged. My heart goes out to you. You seem like you want to give up cause your situation sounds like it will not get better. Do you still go to talk therapy? Are you taking your medication? Is there anyone in church you were close to in church you can talk to? Don't give up, God loves you and for some reason you are still alive. He can deal with you being angry at Him but don't stay away from Him much longer. I will keep you in my prayers, please write to me.

Carmen

[smilezz]

Hi.. You are a gorgeous women and a beautiful one also .. And you are so kind 🌸🌸. I was reading your story and it was painful .. Even if I said that I know it's not gonna change something cuz you already know that .. But what I wanna say that.. No matter how You Feel That God Doesn't love.. He is loving you but in a way you can't understand because it's a mystery way.. But What I know it's like test for you.. He want you to come back so he can make your whole life ab better heaven than it was.. Trust me when you try to get back to him he is going to help you be stronger than you could imagine.. And even when You Can't see Any Solutions for your problems.. Know that he knows A lot Of Ways That Will Make Your Life better. And When You are with him.. Praying to him.. Loving him.. Asking him everything you want.. And letting your life be in his charge.. God won't let you down and every difficult y will seem like a simple thing because god is already protecting you so what has happened that painful moments won't ever be happening. Again. 🌼 .. Don't forget that I Love You More Than You Could Expect 💙💙

[Southpark]

Please hang in there. I feel the same. I have had insomnia really bad for over a month. It causes my anxiety to get worse. I still hang onto God because I know He loves me. I would like to end it all because of the pain but I also have animals who depend on me. Besides it’s never been clear to me if God does forgive that act and if I would miss out in Heaven. All of us

Are struggling. It’s all so very sad.

But don’t give up! You are precious child of God. He loves you.