New Here

[wanderingandlost17]

This is my first time in a support group of any kind, but I'm hoping to finally surround myself with people who actually understand. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 13. I can remember actually thinking I wanted to kill myself in 7th grade. I've never actually said that out loud. I have thought at least once or twice or even more a year for the past 15 years that I want to die. I ask myself all the time why am I different..maybe it is all just in my head....maybe there is actually nothing wrong with me and I just want attention. Do I just want attention. How do I know if I am actually suffering from depression? Is it the fact that I'm tired of taking pills everyday just to maintain my mood...that still doesn't end up being happy enough for those around me? Is it the fact that I don't really care about anything...I could get in a horrifying car accident tomorrow and I wouldn't really care. I have lost almost all of my friends because they think I just "like" to complain. I have heard countless times "everyone else is dealing with the same problems". The only person I have left that I thought I could count on for everything just told me my "negativity is exhausting". I give all of myself and what love I have to the people in my life that are most important to me....and it's still not good enough.

[Hidden]

Yes I know what people may be thinking. YOU ARE HARD WORK, believe me when I say I have a Chronic Health Condition with associated Depression and a Chronic Short Term Memory Disorder. A great deal of the problems we have is we dwell on our health concerns and we can mope and make people uncomfortable around you.

You need to understand well, medications are only one part of the pathway you will need to take. CBT will help, that will help you learn coping techniques. Also some medications boost certain compounds in the brain, that can help in recovery. However the biggest aid to recovery is yourself and if you are not proactive that can restrict your recovery

BOB

[dee_bells]

Wanderingandlost17,

I am a long way from your age but I have been where you have been and have thought the same things.

Crazy as it sounds, wisdom comes with age. So here goes, I accept that I will be on pills the rest of my life. We have an illness and that makes us different and thank you for reaching out.

I am exhausting to my family, they don’t get me. I’m trying to figure myself out and you need to discover yourself. See a therapist, can you talk with your counselor at school. We’re all different and that makes this world great. Embrace you. You’re awesome! Tell your friend that says “you’re exhausting” I’m sorry but I’m working to make a better me. Thank you for being my friend.

You need to invest all the time and care in yourself. Look inward. I do a self-examination and ask myself why I did that. Was it right or wrong. Reach out to your counselor and find out if you are depressed. You’ve got this and I believe in you. Sending you hugs. 🌸🌸🌸

[Stilltrying_]

People have told me I am "hard work" when I was at my lowest, which is just about the last thing you want to hear when you feel like that. And yes I got that my "negativity is exhausting" from my "best friend" ( She's given us a "break").

I personally don't think we can help feeling like that ,but the reality is that friends will go away if we stay at that level. It is a horrible truth and one which I don't know much what to do about. I have somehow managed to get myself more help and support ( I am seeing an alternative therapist who gives me reiki, reflexology and allows me to offload and maybe despite the fact that she isn't a "trained counsellor" but is an emotionally intelligent empathetic and intuitive human being who really cares) and this had managed at the moment to "raise my level" so that others are able to attune to me more and vice versa.

People who don't have the money or don't have access to this could carry on struggling for years at "rock bottom" which may be where you are at.

I would say keep writing and communicating to people on here. Because we DO understand and won't turn our backs. If you are depressed and at rock bottom for months on end I personally won't turn my back on you as I know what it feels like. I have also found that phoning helplines like Samaritans (in the UK) has helped me and yes they are used to people being suicidal and whilst no-one WANTS that for another person it is ACCEPTED as a valid way of feeling.

Also it you can think of ANYTHING AT ALL which may help you feel a little better maybe write that down as a goal, I can't possibly answer what that or those things would be for you because they are so individual. But aim towards anything which may bring a little life into your life. Also it's ok I guess not to want or seek that light in your life, though others will always find that hard to deal with as it goes against the "life instinct" that most of us have, even those of us who are suicidal still have it at some level which I see as a good thing if I am honest as it means part of us still wants to live which is what we are programmed to do by biology I guess.

Gemma x