where to go from here

[shadow68]

i just found out less than a year ago as to why i was acting out so much and drinking so much and it was due to childhood trauma and 49yrs ago in the smoky mountains of Tennessee there weren't any places to go for help. and today there is and im going crazy trying to focus and get the help i so desire so that i can go back to being somewhat normal. I don't trust anyone and i feel too scared to ask someone for help face to face for fear they'll think something bad of me. it really stinks when your pride stops you from getting the help you need.

[Hidden]

Maybe you just need to take small steps? Posting on here might enable you to take another step. Keep fighting to get the help you want. Don’t get discouraged. Every step forward no matter how small is a step in the right direction. Being a guy myself I know about pride. Years ago men self medicated to cope. It was socially accepted. Now they have so much more that can help.

[Hidden]

You made the first huge step in realizing your life is not working and you need help. Are there any 12 step programs near you? Programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, narcotics anonymous, codependents anonymous, Alanon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families. Those are a great place to start the process of sorting yourself out and healing.

[shadow68 in reply to Hidden]

yeah for me i went to those things to socialize more than a place for a problem i thought i had. i was always told that i was a drunk. so with my demented way of thinking i thought it was what was expected of me so i drank. but i realized that i drank to give me the curage to go out into the public without all the shame i felt inside now to keep me from going out and drinking i stay home because i dont have any sober friends to hang with

[panda4781]

I'm going to tell you what my friend has told me... don't wait too long before you get worse, just get it over with. From what I've heard people aren't that bad. You just have to work up the courage.

[fauxartist]

I myself am dual diagnosed...I have both addiction/alcoholism and depression. Both are diseases and are not our fault. I also was abused, sexually, physically, and emotionally as well as being abandon as a child....I do know the pain and how self medicating doesn't make it better....it made it worse for me. So I got clean and sober and took a serious look and why I had to self medicate....that's been a few decades now...and a few therapists, meds. slips, and support groups along the way. So....welcome...and hold on cause it's a bumpy ride, but worth it to stop feeling like you don't belong, and are not lovable, and not wanted, because you are....here....you can share,....no judgement...no commitment...no cruelty, or abandonment...just kind and compassionate people.....hang in there and start taking the power out of this stuff you've been holding on to for so long, and share about it...it's cathartic and healing.....

[Hidden]

I am sorry to hear about your childhood trauma. Many people think that we can just get over it but we know that is not true. It takes a lot of talking with someone you trust as a therapist would be best. It is also good to educate yourself on childhood trauma so you know that what you are feeling is what many people go through. You are not alone. I hope you continue to post and hopefully can take the next step in seeking help. Peace.

[Nadia_FL]

I come from an entire family of abused/abusive people. The cycle is real. The toxicity is tremendous. As the youngest of 7, I watched the craziness, experienced a great deal of neglect, was sexually, physically and mentally abused. My family has tried to get at me even up to this day, as a 47 year old who removed herself from their lives over 20 years ago! I never took to self-medicating because I saw its destruction and knew it was a factor in my sexual abuse. My biggest progress has been talking about what happened to me. From telling my kids, to finding places like this forum, not keeping the secret has started to release me in some ways I never imagined. Recently, one of my brothers died. I refused to join the family at his death bed because I knew that my PTSD would trigger. I told my parents that I had work obligations but they also knew that I had been refusing to connect with my siblings in the last couple years too. The truth is that I didn't want to be around the sister who attacked me daily until age 13, the brother who sexually abused me from age 6 to 12, the Mom who ignored my pleas for help and humiliated me every chance she could or the other 3 siblings along with my Dad, that I just couldn't shake uneasy feelings about. All of them in one place mourning my brain-dead brother who took his own life. No doubt as a result of losing the battle with his own version of abuse. In the last 5 years, my memories have been coming back, "gifting" me details about my childhood that always alluded me before. This stuff was breaking me down so badly that I couldn't handle the simplest conflict with out crumbling and my brain shutting off. My kids, coworkers, friends have all witnessed various degrees of my implosion. Not to mention how bad of a thing this is when you work in a tech job and run two households. Anxiety, insomnia, fearful ruminations, emotional outbursts, are all par for the course with me and a major reason that I was isolating myself more and more each day. I couldn't explain this to anyone. But, there was absolutely no way I could go be around these people so they could inflict more damage to my psyche. Here's the odd thing though...although I had no direct recollection of him being involved in my abuse, my brother's death released me from something. It was like the cycle broke and suddenly I felt compelled to tell this one sister, who is drunk 98.5% of the time, about the abuse my other brother did to me. This set off a firestorm of bullshit with her that I had not seen coming. She immediately called the brother who I told her about, and he then called my Mom! This was just incredible to me. I confided in my "sister" during an exchange in which she shared shocking things as well, only to have her double back to the brother that abused me. Very interesting, I thought. Even more interesting is that my brother started sending me these horrible texts! We hadn't spoken in years, but he's firing off hateful messages at midnight on a weekday without even asking me what I said to prompt my sisters drunken call to him. Hmmm....how peculiar. I answer back his texts firm and direct several times as he calls me crazy, etc. etc. But when he threatens to be at my parents during my planned visit coming up and told me to say this to his face, I don't think he expected my reply. I said that I would gladly meet him there. I also screen shot him the statute of limitations on child molestation and abuse in our home state (there is none) with the message "you'd be stupid to show but my lawyers would love to meet you". Of course, his texts stopped and the next day, I called my father who confirmed that my brother did talk to my Mom about me the night before. Although he pretended that he didn't know what about, I told him my side and ended my call stating that I was done dealing with the family. I explained my plans to officially cut ties. Strange thing is that he seemed to get what I was saying. Of course, I spent the next 48 hours crying nonstop but there it was. A HUGE validation and release that I never thought I would see in my lifetime. I was now SURE that my family abused me and that they all are in cahoots with each other on it. Something that I was told over and over since 10 years old was all in my head. I now have no guilt about disassociating from them and today is actually the first day in 40 years that I haven't an one anxiety attack yet (its 430PM here in Florida). Shadow68: Sorry that I don't have any direct advice you in this long-ass post. This is all took place this past week and I think I just needed a download. If you want to chat, feel free to message me. I wish you peace and happiness.