Every day I realize more and more how difficult it is to recover.
Ever since I decided to get help, I still have those scary thoughts running through my mind that I have to remind myself to ignore. Sometimes it is harder than other times to do this.
After I walked across the stage at graduation from my university this past december, I thought for once I had actually done something right until a couple weeks later I learned I won't be getting that expensive piece of paper I worked my ass off for because I didn't pass a couple classes. False alarm, things sucked all over again.
I have worked two jobs throughout college, taken the time to be involved in organizations, constantly involved in volunteer work, all while being a full time student. Sure, depression made this so hard for me and every single year it got worse and worse. I failed and retook so many classes its not even funny, I tend to over-commit myself and often found myself changing frantically in my car right after class because I had to go straight to work and constantly stressed about tests, projects, extra curricular activities and assignments in the meantime. I would break down in the middle of class, I would have to leave in the middle of a lecture, run to the bathroom to get my shit together, wipe my tears and walk back into class like everything was all good although I knew it indeed was NOT good.
At home, my room was a constant disaster. My parents often argued, my mother was a bottle or two of wine per night kind-of-gal, my step father was notorious for making sure I felt as little as a grain of rice in his eyes. So after many episodes of coming home to a toxic environment and many hurtful text messages from my intoxicated mother, restless nights of crying alone in bed, being the first person to leave the house in the morning and the last person to go to bed at night, I decided to move out of there and move in with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I will be moving in January so that he can start school a few hours from where we live now. I am hoping to finish these last couple classes before we go so that I can potentially find a job where I can feel stable. I constantly find myself absorbed in thoughts that occupy my mind.
I'm having trouble finding motivation, I have cut back on working, I am not over-committing myself anymore, I am only occasionally doing the extra things just so I can have a break.
But recently I feel like I have no desire to get out of bed or take care of my responsibilities, even going to work is difficult, even doing laundry makes me tired, I don't know if I'll be able to get through these classes feeling this way.
How do I become better disciplined when it comes to doing important things? How do I stop letting my thoughts put me down and control what I do?
I just want to finally put one step forward instead of two steps backwards for once in my life I want something to go right. I want to have something going for me and I want more than anything to just feel like I am good enough.
How do I get there?