I want to change, so please help me

[Steph2293]

It's been a year since my depression started. Sometimes I think that what happened to me was something so trivial but it was my fault because I didn't know how to face that little problem. I realized that my depression is my own fault and that made me feel very angry at myself. I realized that I HATE MYSELF, I always felt that way. I don't love myself that's why I was always looking for failures like me being always fat, my laziness, my inability to wake up early in the morning, my poor health, my inability for being good at Math, feeling that I'm not pretty, my inability of being able to make friends, and the list go on. I have so low self-esteem that sometimes I feel sorry myself and afraid that the thoughts of "everyone will be better if I wasn't around" hunt me every day. I don't know if at some point I will find the love I need, the love of myself. Or... maybe this is the end of MY road in life, and the thought of ending it is so freeing. I said this because I started it to cutting myself and not only that. The hair, that I once loved, I cut it too.

What am I doing this to myself? Why am I destroying myself? Is it because am I punishing myself for left college? And a voice inside myself replies me: YEAH! DOI IT MORE! THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT! YOU'RE A FAILURE! YOU ALWAYS WERE! JUST END IT NOW!

Maybe I'm going crazy and there's no salvation for me anymore. I just want this to end.

I want to get better, but I don't know how.

[fauxartist]

Steph3393...it sounds like your really in crisis right now, and I'm very glad your here sharing about it....depression is not your fault...you didn't cause it....it's a chemical imbalance and it has nothing to do with what you did. It sounds like your spiraling down and you need help. I went to therapy at my lowest point...it took a lot to get me on track at first...but your sharing here....so your looking for advice...and mine is to get professional help in therapy to sort this stuff out and get perspective on why your feeling so angry and sad,...stop beating yourself up over something you have no control over....depression can just make you sad, there does not have to be a reason why, it's a disease like any other...you didn't do anything wrong....you just need help.

[gerg]

I can relate to so much in your post. I hated myself and my life so much, but there was no good reason. It hurt so bad to have others love me because I hated myself. I have gotten better. I now actually like myself and I’m ready for others to love me. It has taken a while, but it is so worth the effort. I worked towards serenity and contentment, my self esteem grew as I took care of myself. I hope that you can find a similar path.