I really need to write this.
I know my Mum is sick, I know my Mum struggles. I know my Mum has a addiction, I know she is a Alcoholic, I know she doesn't want to drink, that she wants to run. For years and years i have been doing this continuous loop of watching my Mother falling off the wagon . Being sober for months and then going on binges for weeks and weeks on end. Its a complete nightmare.
I found that i was being dragged into this circle. Can i look after my younger siblings for a few hours while she went to a "AA meeting" or "shopping" a few hours turned into a day, then two and a week. She doesn't pick up the phone and completely cuts out all communication, while she running into her own self destructive state. I always said "yes" i always took on the responsibility because she was my Mother, and my siblings are my family.
All the covering up lies and keeping secrets were a habit i had indeed learnt from my Mother. Always defending her because i couldn't see that she had problem. I had just grown used to my mother being this way, But it came at a price. I love my Mum, i always will and always have.
But when i reached to the age of 19 i had to start saying no to all the "favors" and swallow down the guilt trips and emotional stuff that was thrown my way because i wasnt enabling her to do what she wanted. she'd be sober for a few months but it would never last long. i moved out of my family home and starting getting on with my life, with all the emotional scars of the past, i had to try to get on with it. Where i was, My sister now is, and its hard to take a step back, but i dont have the strength to deal with it.
its complete madness. and for the amount of times i have gone through this, it always hits me hard when she pick up that drink. it tears me down, I love my Mother but i refused to be around her while she is drinking, it feels me with such negative emotions. its just toxic.