From post baby blues, to bipolar, to heartbreak and daily struggle

[IlanaSchutte]

My story is a little bit of a long one. So sorry in advance for those who get bored with my long windedness(?) ... I have something heavy weighing on my heart which needs to be shared. Perhaps some soul out there is going through the same daily struggle I am.

My beautiful little boy was born in 2015. His first few months were challenging to say the least. He was fussy, colicy and generally not a sleeper. Which left mommy frazzled, sleep deprived and to be totally honest a little bonkers. I couldn't cope anymore and was admitted to a health center where I was diagnosed with post partum and (surprise!) - bipolar!

Next, as most of you would know came a whole slew of meds. Confusing my already confused mind even more. It was a very scary, confusing time where I was desperately trying to find out at the ripe age of 33 - who I am now?

During this confused state of self search my husband and I slowly started unravelling as well. We are high school sweethearts - he is the only man I have ever truelly known intimitely. So - you can imagine my devistation when I received an anonymous call while rushing to the hospital with my daughter one day - saying that my husband has been having an affair.

It's as if the foundation I have been firmly planted on for a decade started crumbling right from under me. 'Heartbroken' got a whole new meaning as I was actually able to feel my heart break into a billion little pieces.

You can imagine how the next month or so went. I was either unable to get out of bed or aimlessly going about my day. I started stalking 'the other women' on social media, not healthy AT ALL, but I just couldn't help myself.

I new I had a decision to make - but how?! When you are caught between loving someone and feeling so deceived and betrayed - How do you decide?

We decided at that point not to make any rushed or emotional decisions. Our choices ultimately also affect the lives of our children as well. They do not derserve nor understand the concept of a broken home.

We opted for marriage councelling - and yes we are still together. I also decided during this process to seek my psychiatrist 's help to attempt to get off my mind altering meds. Please, don't get me wrong. The meds work remarkably well for some people - it just did not work for me. I have been off my medication now for almost a year and seem to managing ok with dedicated daily yoga sessions ( )

Yes - we are still together. I DO love him otherwise I would not have decided to try and make 'us/this/life' work.

Some days I'm ok, but other days. Not at all. Darkness sometimes creeps up and it's just not easy at all. The other women, still is on my mind at least once a day...

I can't help but wonder if my heart will ever truelly heal from this.

Thanks for listening

[Sonneblomme]

I feel your pain and been through almost the same. I agree totally with you about the meds - its been 2 years since I was also diagnosed with Bi-polar Manic Depression. I miss the old me - full of life and dancing as if the world belonged to me. I made a little mistake with my meds a while ago and suffered tremendously because of that. So well done for getting rid of the meds. And with regards to the other woman - only time will tell. Its been years since my ordeal - and she was my friend. I managed to make peace and forgive to go on with life - but it was NOT easy. And me and hubby are still in love and happily married for 18 years now. So hang in there.

[Kneedsu]

Hi illanaSchutte,

I'm 26, pregnant with my bf of 10 years and he's not sure if he wants to be with me and have baby. This week is our 10 year anniversary and he's out in Vegas with friends who I've never met before. Who knows what he's doing because of our current situation. I'm in mental, emotional, and physical pain. I'm lost and do not know what to do. I know him coming back would not be the same anymore. I'm happy you and your husband are working things out. I wish I could say the same for us if he comes back

[IlanaSchutte in reply to Kneedsu]

Hi Kneedsu

First of all CONGRATULATIONS on becoming a mommy!! The ONE thing i can tell you with certainty is that as soon as you lay eyes on your baby for the first time ... you will truelly comprehend 'unconditional love' - They will FOREVER and ALWAYS be your joy 🤗

I am SO sorry to hear about the Daddy not wanting to be involved. No offense .... but you guys ARE still very young. I also don't know the background or circumstances but ... he might just be overwhelmed with the whole situation.

Do you have any relatives or friends willing to lend a helping hand? Fatherhood is scary.... 'cause let's face it boys REMAIN boys!!!! 😋 Maybe some reassurance will go a long way. Perhaps he is doubting his own ability of fatherhood...

As for me - we already have two children and it is A LOT of work from my side... specially because I came off my meds.... it does not mean that the mental imagery of my high school sweet heart with another women is gone ( we might be married for ten but we've been dating for almost 15 .... so I am beyond devastated)

I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE !!!! And will be praying for Daddy to realize his blessing 💓