Struggle Shamed (First Post) - Anxiety and Depre...

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Struggle Shamed (First Post)

28 Replies

Has anyone ever felt like they have been struggle shamed for being different? This past year I was was struggled shamed by a group (church) for being different. By different I mean general socially awkwardness. I seemed to be awkward more so because I was forced to navigating an environment where a pastor and his wife were heavy gossiping about me. I felt such heavy judgment whenever I was around them and others, that I felt I was walking in a world where people where perceiving me based on fabricated stories that were simply untrue. One misstep and I was rejected on a group level. I left the church needless to say, but also lost some friends and family in the process. To feel safe, it was best I walk away, but the feeling of orchestrated betrayal still lingers a year later. I’ve never had a problem walking away from anything, and never projected blame to others, but this hurts. I always take ownership for my actions, in this case I did nothing wrong. Simply being judged by people who have hate in their hearts. I’m not sure why I can’t seem to let this go, but just needed a place to vent and maybe get some thoughts from other awkward people like me. Just posting this here may ruffle some feathers, but I mean well, to protect the integrity of my own faith.

28 Replies

Why this church ? How does the preacher know u on a personal level ?

in reply to DiamondInTheRough

The Pastor is my brother. The past year he and his wife have divided themself from the rest of the family. I don’t blame the church, this seems to be isolated behavior noticed by whole family. All we can do is step back and allow them to do what they want, but it still sucks because the kids are lost in the story line. I love my niece and nephews, but life isn’t always fair.

DiamondInTheRough profile image
DiamondInTheRough in reply to

have U ever asked your brother on a personal level why are u always tAlking/gossiping about me ? So what is yore awkward/ shy . & u say he has hate in his heart , is there something or a reason for that . Because if he’s a pastor he shouldn’t feel like this

in reply to DiamondInTheRough

It didn't start out as him, it is his wife. He just goes along to save face with her and the church. I understand how power influences people to do crazy things, but it's not my place to rock the boat. I haven't talked to him about it, pointless at this point. Our mother had a set down with him last year, unfortunately now the children don't have a grandmother because his wife x her out, sadly. I was the last person in the family from his side that was left standing. Indeed, they shouldn't have hate in their heart, but the circumstances are the way they are now. I wrestled for months blaming myself for everything, but when the smoke cleared I realized I was blaming myself for their wickedness. I don't know why or how they got to the state of mind they are in, but I had to accept that the whole situation is beyond my control and all I could do is just walk away. They have been in trouble in the past with senior pastors on a national level, so I find comfort in knowing that their progression will eventually come to light. Unfortunately, they will likely fall from grace as others (there are others) who begin to say enough is enough. Hopefully then their eyes will open up.

DiamondInTheRough profile image
DiamondInTheRough in reply to

I’m very bad with words . But it seems like u understand wats goin on . If he wants to let his wife alter your relationship then do Be it . Be you & don’t feel bad being u . Surround yourself with better people, family means nothing if there not there for u

in reply to DiamondInTheRough

Agree. My thoughts is that is there battle. It took me some time to deal my head around it, but it's best to just step back and just focus on tomorrow. Thanks Diamond

SAD419 profile image
SAD419

I am awkward as well.

SAD419 profile image
SAD419 in reply to SAD419

never feel alone

in reply to SAD419

Thank you SAD419

LovelySnow profile image
LovelySnow in reply to

Right there with ya, buddy.

in reply to LovelySnow

Thank you LovelySnow

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54

Hi sometimes it's best to walk away, but others you need to tackle it instead. It can be difficult to judge a situation but where you feel your self esteem is involved there are times when you have to say or do something. I think you are finding it hard to move on from this because you don't have closure.

I recently walked away from friends I played darts with for 17 years. I felt marginalised and unwanted. I tried to sort this out a number of times but without success. I realised things weren't going to change so walked away. Although I am still upset by it all I am happy I made the right decision and feel my self esteem is strengthened by the actions I took.

Conversely someone in my area who was very manipulative started spreading nasty lies about me and some people, including someone who I thought was a friend, believed her. I decided this was nothing to do with me but with her so completely ignored it or laughed it off. My instincts told me to tackle her and deck her, but I resisted and when I saw her totally ignored her. This hacked her off something chronic and I laughed to myself knowing this. She has since gone from my area as she was flaky and it all imploded on her instead of me ha ha.

Do you see what I am trying to say here? If you want closure you might need to say something to your brother either in person, or by text or email. Not easy but if it will help you then you will feel better for it. x

in reply to hypercat54

It's definitely on my mind. Actually, I'm at a point now where I'm trying to figure the right approach. I'm usually to the point with everything, I hold nothing back, and part of that is their argument against me, I'm too bold. I don't think I'm mean, I just never let anyone take advantage of me. This is a bit different because the scale it has blown up to, and the risk of him losing his position would be a blow to the childrens well being. I've actually been thinking about going to their national head church and addressing it there. Word is that this behavior is becoming more frequent, not sure why, but it seems overall the church is trying to minimize it across the U.S. My questions is how did this behavior become rampant. A close friend of mine believes they are becoming more radical because of politics. Group behavior is interesting, if I approach it wrong, it may make things worse. I wish the church well, I know they are trying to handle these things, but my debate is do I go direct, or go above their head. I'm going to make some decisions here in the next few weeks and go full force on that decision until it is resolved. I do worry about the kids the most though.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to

Well why cause an argument if it isn't necessary? I think you have to distinguish what you are unhappy about, their treatment of you, or the fact the church is being run like this. They are two different things. If you attack the church it can all backfire with you being seen as the 'bad guy' and this won't help you or the churchgoers. They might twist this into even more rumours and lies against you which will make things worse.

However their treatment of you is another matter entirely. If it is this which is stopping you from moving on why not (I wouldn't do it in person as this gives them more ammunition) send them a text or email just stating calmly your unhappiness with how they behaved towards you and the spreading of the lies. You can state that it isn't true and if they persist you will take further action. x

in reply to hypercat54

It's definitely a conundrum. One of those things that its worth sweeping under the rug, but on the other hand it is a situation of abuse/bullying and what type of person would I be if I allow that to happen. Choices.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to

Do you understand what I am saying about it being two different issues? x

in reply to hypercat54

Indeed. I have pondered the matter every which way possible. There are moral issues to weigh against versus personal abuse issues, not to mention the message it sends to the rest of the congregation if the situation leans this way - or that way. I do believe it will all work out on the end. Either I will face this situation or grow (HU helps much) personally within and come to a point where I just quietly let it pass (almost there), but the question remains do I allow it to happen to others? I think this is where I'm hung up. I genuinely don't want this to happen to others (it has) anymore. I'm not trying to be a here at all, but morally I'm not sure how I would feel. At the end of the day we all have to live with our own mistakes and decisions (right or wrong). Grey hair, lol.

JEG325 profile image
JEG325

I had a similar problem what seems a lifetime ago. It created a schism between me and religion. I have never gone near a church since then. Now I love God but, I do not have to be inside a building to do so. My sweetie has been trying to heal this schism because she is afraid I'll shut God out too. My point is, even if you give up on the churches, don't give up on God. Okay? Answer my pm message and I can show you how I can help you. God will love you forever, remember that!

in reply to JEG325

I feel they each one of us is a temple. I enjoy the community of church, but when the church puts the group over the individual relationship, it becomes bizarre to me. Strange situation.

JEG325 profile image
JEG325 in reply to

Agreed!

And these are Christian people!!

in reply to

So they say

JEG325 profile image
JEG325 in reply to

Not all Chrisitians are good people. Not all non Chrisitans are bad people. For the most part, we are all....just people!

in reply to JEG325

Exactly my view.

Thank everyone for your input and feedback, all good stuff. Thank you for keeping it positive and without debate on this thread. 🙏🏼

JEG325 profile image
JEG325 in reply to

Our, community fits the aspects of my last statement too. While most of us are good, decent people, there are some questionable people too. For the most part, we all try to help one another and live our days the best way possible. We thank you for the chance to weigh in here and talk to you!

in reply to JEG325

Just being a kind human goes a long way.

JEG325 profile image
JEG325 in reply to

Agreed!!

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