I am new to this website. Last night, things got out of hand and i had to text a crisis hotline number because I was having sducidal thoughts. I know I could never hurt myself and I would never kill myself, I just don't think I could ever do it. However, sometimes when I am feeling really low, I get so upset and sad where I think, "life would be better if I just die" or "I can't do this anymore" and even "I just want to die, everything is too hard." One time, I even tried suffocating myself in my pillow. That's the only time I tried to kill myself but I couldn't do it. One time, I tried to hurt myself by scratching my wrists and pinching myself really hard but that's the only time I hurt myself. I know it's not normal and even though I know I couldn't actually do it, I still think about it all the time and I know I need help...
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I am 19 years old and I attend college and also babysit as a job. My boyfriend and I tend to argue a lot when were alone about stupid stuff. He helps me with my homework sometimes and I feel like that is a reason why we argue. Sometimes it gets out of hand because I get so mad at him so easily. Last night, it got out of hand. I attacked him, hit him with he remote, pinched him and slapped him, and I even tried choking him. I know what I do is not right. I felt so bad after I did it. I cried and cried. My boyfriend had to hold my wrists down so I would stop hitting him. He held me down so tight my wrists are sore. After, I felt so bad I wanted to leave. I packed a bag and told him I'm running away but I couldn't actually leave. I cried and cried and thought about suicide so thats when I messaged a hotline crisis number and they took me to this website.
This isn't the first time this has happened but it did get really bad last night. I have felt really depressed lately. In high school, my two best friends hurt me and I lost them. I also lost my other best friend about a year ago. I don't have any friends. I have my sister, her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and my parents along with family members. I don't know why thats I been depressed or what. I have never been to a therapist or anything. I hate talking to people and going to new places. I don't want to tell anyone especially my parents since my whole family and everyone around me is "normal." I am the middle child so I feel like I have always been picked on when I was younger. I know my family just jokes around but I get upset very easily. I just need help figuring out what to do next...