i don’t know if i want to do this anymore.....

[-sad-angel-]

hello... first of all, i hope you all are having a great day today. i doubt anyone will read this. but i just want to let this out.

i have attempted suicide several times. i’ve been to a hospital, which helped, temporarily. after this recent time i was, i went to school, and somehow, everyone knew. they thought i was crazy. i lost many friends that i thought were there for me.

i look around every day at school and see how people treat me. i have some friends, but not nearly as much as i used to. some people talk to me, but things just aren’t the same.

i can’t help but think about how this is how they treat someone that’s been through so much, but survived. i could be dead right now. if i died, people would have reacted totally differently, wishing they’d done something. and i actually survived. yet, they treat me like i don’t exist.

a boy at my school also disappeared from attempting suicide. i texted him, talked to him, let him know how i am so glad he is alive. i let him know is is strong. i let him know that i am always there for him, and that i am proud that he is brave and still keeps trying after all he’s been through. i barely know him, but i still told him all of this. because i don’t want anyone to feel the kind of pain i have felt.

so why do people treat ME differently? my ex-best friend hasn’t spoken a word to me since i’ve returned. she’s hurt me in so many ways. but if i heard she wanted to take her own life? i’d be there for her in a second.

why does no one feel the same towards me?

is it me, or them?

what am i doing wrong?

i have so much love and care for the world. but nobody wants it.

i guess what i’m saying is, i’m beginning to feel as though it doesn’t really matter if i am here. i simply don’t see the point. some people view suicide as selfish. but i don’t. if i WERE gone... people may either not notice, or would get over it quickly.

the world is beautiful... but there is also a lot of evil. i have great faith. i don’t want to give up. but yet, i do. i am torn between strength and weakness. the weakness cries out to me everyday.

i just need one person there for me. just one. i want someone to care for me as much as i care for them.

why am i always someone’s second choice?

why do i seem to not be good enough to anyone?

why do i fail to reach someone else’s expectations, no matter how much i try?

i don’t know if i want to do this anymore.

[mayabee804]

Hi sad angel. I think a lot of people don’t understand what it feels like to truly struggle with anxiety or depression, and they get scared, don’t know how to interact with people who go through it, or feel like they must say something to help them heal. I’ve experienced this with my own parents,m.

You are one step ahead of them because you truly understand the struggle that is depression. I hope that this boy you told your story to becomes a friend. Dealing with depression is a truly isolating experience. That’s why many of us bottle it up and suffer, acting out in other ways like self harm.

It’s not you, I promise. It’s everyone else, and not because they don’t like you. Because they don’t know how to handle situations.

If you need someone to talk to, PM me. I’ve battled depression my life and have had many rounds of self harm and suicidal ideation.

[Journeywomyn in reply to mayabee804]

Teenangers have no idea how to handle mature subject matter. It is famous for the not knowingly to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some maybe even enveous of the life they think you are living. Not knowing the pain that you are actually going through do not make decisions on others behaviors toward you. Find the strength to evaluate who, what and where you are now. Set small goals complete them, make them harder as you go along. Hold on to just on thing that is positive in your life. Yes, I do read posts, I am a 65 year old depressed, CPTSD Abuse Survivior. I will keep reading, you keep writing.

[courtjestah]

I’m reading it. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I KNOW.

You sound just like me when I was young. I would like you to start by speaking with a counselor at school. Can you do that?

[jkl5500]

Hi,

I assume you're still in high school. You may not want to hear this, but it's true - most teenagers are not very mature as far as character goes. They're too worried about what everyone thinks, instead of doing the right thing and offering comfort and support to you.

You have been through a horrible experience, and I am sorry you had to suffer through all this. Fortunately, you survived, and can learn and grow and become a stronger and better person. You already know more about life than they will know for several more years.

But the whole world is not one big high school. There are lots of people out there who would care about you, but you haven't met them yet. Did you think about joining support groups for suicide prevention? Or maybe just volunteering in your community in general? You will meet quality people there, not the shallow types that are in your classrooms now. And shame on those jerks, by the way.

You are stronger than you know. Why not share your strength and help others?

[Rpan]

It sounds as though you may be my daughters age. I say this because I’m much older than you and have much more life experience. I think about what it would be like dealing with these issues at your age. It breaks my heart, I have tears in my eyes. To consider that no one will read message makes me sad as well. You are brave to have poured your heart out on this forum! I have learned that most are afraid of your experience. Some people will judge also because they are so afraid to understand why a young girl would act on sucidial thoughts.( or even have these thoughts) I can image your friends are as scared about this as you are. Learning how to give yourself a break is very important. Rather than spending time thinking about why people act a certain way towards you, it’s best to take the time to learn how to love and nurture yourself.

[b1b1b1]

I am reading also. The important thing to know is that life is NOT like high school. I was friendless in high school and felt very badly. Things changed later, and I found appreciation at work and from my son and from a few friends. You will too, even though it may be hard for you to believe this now. Many of the people you talk about are very shallow and will suffer for it later.

[Louwho22]

Oh dear sweet angel, I was you 20 years ago. And I promise, as hard as it may seem now, it does get better. I promise you. One moment, one day at a time. I now have have a beautiful family that I could not imagine so many years ago. You are not alone, and you were put on this earth for a reason. If you need someone to remind you, I will help. You are not alone.

[sam053j]

Hey sweet angel,

You need to focus on getting better. Remember that you are still young and many of those kids you go to school with are completely unsure of how to react to that sort of thing. Believe it or not, it often scares people who don’t understand. I’ve there. It’s hard and I really do hope you can get through this. I just started this group myself and so far I’ve had some positive feed back. I really feel for you. You are brave. And your getting stronger every day. Don’t forget to tell yourself that you are worth it at least once a day. Because you are!

[claire0410]

I am reading this, and I want you to know my heart breaks for you. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I know it's hard when you don't feel "good enough", but please know you are who you are, and you are "good enough". In time you will find people who recognize how wonderful you are! As far as your friends and other kids at school, they are young and probably don't know what to say or how they should treat you at this point in time. If they haven't gone through what you have, they have no understanding of these types of feelings. Give it some time, things will get better. I wish nothing but good things for you and your future. Just know, this is just a moment of pain and it will pass.

[Samtoby313]

Please hang in there. I know it feels like this period will never end and high school is forever and so important. But, it is only a speck in your entire life. I graduated 23 yrs ago. I was so much happier once I graduated. My life didn’t begin to get better until I was in my 30’s. It was truly worth it to keep going though. I have been there with the suicidal ideation and attempts and you just have to remember this: suicide is permanent. It’s done. Life is over. That’s it. There is no way for anything to ever get better. You will never fall in love, get married, have kids, have nieces or nephews (in my case I don’t have kids so they are my life). Get a great job, grow, learn, have fun, enjoy holidays, enjoy the sun and rain and snow and wind. It’s. Just. Over.

Also, we don’t know what death holds. I believe in God. I believe when I die I will go to heaven. But I don’t KNOW that. I know life. I know I can power through and that there are good times sprinkled in with the bad.

You could also survive an attempt and be injured. Have a life long disability from your attempt. At least now you (I assume) are healthy and everything works. Why risk that?

I’ve been there. I understand. Just hang on. I didn’t meet my truest best friends until I was 28 and 30. High school friends are just there for a season. I only talk to one person from high school now.

Laura

[Southpark]

Hi Sad Angel. I have been there a lot. Pain wanting to end it all but not wanting to st the same time. Don’t do it. Let’s encourage each other to keep going no matter how painful. Remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I have post concussion syndrome and that is causing a lot of my anxiety and depression.

I do understand where you are. Tell me about your faith. Praying for you

[eoharafisher]

I hear you. I feel you. We're with you.

[Mmboyd]

We are here for you! You are special and important. High school is a rough time for many people. You will get through this. Keep reaching out here and if possible, find a support group you could attend. You may not see it but there are many people in your school that also struggle but hide it. Believe in yourself and keep reaching out to the people that do accept you and don’t worry about the people that don’t. They are not worth your time.

We accept and support you!!