My counselor has talked to me about medication. How do I know when to start?

[Jessica3084]

I'm currently writing this post because I feel like I need an answer before my next counseling appointment on Thursday. Currently I'm scared to go to work today, I'm running off 2.5 hours of sleep because I've been up all night crying and I can't stop. I've called out of work recently for this behavior so I can't do it again. One of my close friends get into a car accident just last week for only getting 3 hours of sleep, working a 12 hour shift, then got T- Boned on his way home.

I've had anxiety for a long time. I've been somewhat managing pretty well for a few years. My husband (boyfriend at the time) has been the main reason behind my success. My work is super stressful but I've been managing, he pushed me to find new hobbies after my horse passed away, and I've been meditating for months pretty regularly.

About a month ago this all changed. My husband has depression and he started seeking therapy/treatment. I've been falling apart ever since he told me this. I feel an enormous amount of guilt. Part of my anxiety is feeling guilty over literally everything, I can't sleep over my medical notes not being thorough enough (I'm a vet tech) so something this major happening I'm drowning in the amount of guilt I feel about my husband. I feel guilty for not seeing his signs of depression sooner, I feel guilty for treating him awful lately (as his depression worsened I didn't realize so I thought he didn't care about me anymore and mentioned the word divorce), and I feel guilty because I can't pull myself together enough to help him.

He's self neglecting, so the past month 80% of our time together (which is limited because he works second shift) is spend me begging him to get out of bed, begging him to eat, begging person hygiene. I woke up at 2 am to him on the computer so I stayed up until he was done with his video game to make sure he went to bed instead of him playing another. It took an hour an a half of me begging him to go to sleep. I progress to raising my voice and bawling my eyes out, please please just try to go to sleep, you being on the computer is stimulating your brain so you can't sleep. He finally fell asleep at 5am (30 minutes ago) but I can't stop crying.

I just don't know what to do and I feel so alone. My family has always been there for me, but can also be super judgemental and my mom has worse anxiety than I do but doesn't think anything is wrong. So if she doesn't understand her own mental illness how can I go to her about my own? I haven't even told her I'm going to therapy because she thinks of it negativity. She used therapy as a threat/bluff when I was in high school and self harming. Also my best friend I can't go to anymore. My husband has been trying to convince me for a long time she's a shitty friend to me, but she was basically all I had so I stuck to her like glue. Through recent awful behavior I've cut her out of my life, just 2 months ago.

Watching my husband go through depression I'm afraid I'm getting it myself. Thursday will be my third counseling session, is it too soon to talk more in depth? She planted a seed in my brain about medication on our first session. Should we talk further? I tried reaching out to my in laws about what's going on and they're trying to convince me and my husband against medication. They both have tried prescription antianxiety and saw side effects so they take a natural supplement that they swear by: 5-HTP? Thoughts?

[CazO46]

It must be hard for you both as it's difficult to support each other when your having a really hard time. I understand your dilemma about medication as I felt the same. I felt ashamed that I couldn't cope any more by my Dr convinced me it was the right thing to do for now and won't be forever. I think you should explore the idea more either your therapist , we don't worry about taking medication for other conditions but there seems be a stigma about antidepressants. Good luck X

[Jessica3084 in reply to CazO46]

Thank you. You're right, we take meds for other illnesses, side effects or not, and realize the benefits outweigh the side effects. I was all for starting meds until my mother-in-law who is also a nurse talked me out of it/made me question. I'll definitely talk with my counselor on Thursday. Thanks again.

[gerg]

Jess,

Your post took me for a ride back to when I was suffering a lot of the same type problems. I was at a point where I hated my life, I hated myself, and I hated every day. I had to change and I decided to do whatever it would take. Acceptance is one of the biggest concepts in dealing with mental health issues. Foremost is accepting that you need to take care of your issues, if you want to be there for others. I had to commit to completely opening up, not easy for a big, tough, man of a man. I opened myself up and spread all of the pieces on the floor, and the I started putting myself back together again. Meds? Yes Doc, whatever you think is best. Therapy, tears, fears, and the real pain that I had never allowed myself to feel. I am now living a good life, with my mental health issues, that I never thought was possible. I understand how I changed and I continue to do so daily. Honesty is my way, and that means being honest with myself. I have to put myself first, only I control me, I don't control others, I accept my world as exactly as it is meant to be...

[Jessica3084 in reply to gerg]

Thank you for the advice and sharing your experience. I know there is a completely different stigma for each gender about mental illness and medication. I'm glad you got through your difficult time. Even through the constant tears I'm hanging onto hope for my husband and myself.