Want to live without you, but your always there - anxiety

[Justmel]

For the majority of my life I have had anxiety for many years I was able to co exist with my anxiety. I had a pretty good life in my safe bubble. I have had many changes in my life in the past 6 monthd that has triggered my anxiety and perfectionism to take up permanent residence with me. Aniety is completely out of control. I went to a psychitrist got diagnosed with general anxiety disorder with a side of ocd or what I call perfectionism ( most likely developed in childhood due to a tramatic events ( let's get this over with just rip the bandaid off this one.. mom walked out on me at age 4 went to live with dad who I rarely saw. Dad ran his house hold like a military/prison guard home he yelled a lot he instilled fear to control every aspect of my life never laid a hand on me i am not mad or even blame my parents i know they did the best they could with the limited patenting skills they had ) . No shock there typical psychology 101 stuff. I kept my family distant i moved 4 hours away and made a successful life . 20 years later im back to the city/town i purposfully left. Had to return due to dads health. The psychiatrist suggests I go to therapy and attend a support group. Therapy might eventually happen walking into a support group highly unlikely that will occur. am i really suppose to walk into a support group and relive all this ? I'm frstrated that I can't coexist t with my anxiety because it has taken over. Anxiety is rapidly destroying my marriage. I started taking buspar just over a month ago. my sec drive completely fanished. I wish my husband could be in my shoes for 4 hours so he could understand that it takes every oz of strengh to go to work and maintain. My anxiety is begining to lesson its been about a month of taking buspar. I have noticed that I'm more irritable and snappy. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore .. this just flat out sucks. I miss my safe bubble that allowed me to successully live with my anxiety . I am mad just mad that I have no control over this anymore.

[hypercat54]

Hi this sounds awful and I am so sorry. You had a traumatic childhood and it has left it's mark on you and it has to be dealt with before you can move on.

I think you created this bubble for yourself by pushing down your feelings due to the abuse you suffered and quite understandably so. I think of it as creating boxes in your mind - boxes filled with poison. No matter how firmly you put the lid on inevitably the boxes begin to leak and start ruining your present.

To avoid them ruining your future you need to deal with the painful feelings and emotions you have suppressed over the years. This is where therapy comes into it's own. It's not a quick or easy option but I don't know any other way to deal with the roots of your anxiety.

Meanwhile stay with us on here and we will help and support you all we can. x

[Justmel in reply to hypercat54]

I think the hardest thing is, I thought I dealt with it, I left home at 17 worked got married too young was a single mom of 3 kids my ex and I have raised 3 amazing happy healthy young adults went to college while raising my kids and started a career that I love. I'm not your typically teen mom story. It all came crashing down when I moved back closer to both my mom and dad. I never looked at my childhood as bad not really. When I went to the psychatrist I thought it's anxiety increase from the move, dad' dementia, changing jobs, etc. I figured I'll take anxiety medication and move on with my life. When she recommended therapy I just remember telling her. I did not think it was necessary I wasn't beat as a kid. My mom walked out when I was 4 and another family member called my dad to come get me and my brother, I do not remember a time that dad did not scare me to my core he yelled and lectured us constantly he had unrealistic expectations everything had to be perfect. I learned his schedule and routine at a very young age I signed up for anything to be away from home and my life routine began I had friends. I remember telling the doctor I might be able to go to therapy but not group therapy. I feel like me going to group therapy would be like having surgery on a stubbed big toe. She was honest and said it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better that memories might flood in. I left her office like okay I'll have to deal with this now accepted it. Filled my prescription started taking my medication. A few days later I was talking to my husband and I realized I don't have that many childhood memories I never thought about it before. Few days later I make my first therapy appointment a couple days after scheduling the appointment. I was thinking about how little of my childhood I remember . I started thinking about it and boom a big old memory of looking out my window at night wondering where my mom was and a memory of my dad and step mom telling me they were going to cut my very long blonde hair and taking out my ear rings because I wasn't old enough to take care of either. They did not care that i cried pleaded with them that i would learn. I rememer a day later having my 2nd panic attack of my life it felt like intense fear I knew this feeling very very well. I canceled my therapy appointment found an excuse that my husband would buy and have been playing phone tag the therapist for a month now. I don't know if I can go to that place again. I'm angry that this rocks me to my core. I just want my life of 6-8 months ago back ! Im 41 with amazing young adult children why now? I don'drink I don't do drugs physically I've always been healthy I really thought I dealt with this but in reality I created a bubble to protect myself my bubble is long gone and I miss my bubble the truth is if I could find away to re create my bubble I would. Denial can be a beautiful place .

[hypercat54 in reply to Justmel]

Oh my this has triggered things from my own childhood too. It was my mother who rules the household with a rod of iron, including my father. She was very emotional and had never learned to handle and control her own emotions so she could never teach us how to.

I spent my childhood listening and watching her emotional storms because she was so 'unhappy' and she would run round shouting and yelling awful things to us. We learned to hide until my youngest sister returned (who was her favourite) as she could always calm her down. She did say recently that she dreaded all this and that mum would say some awful things to her before she was calm again. We were all terrified and none of us was ever allowed to be upset or angry coz it might set her off.

A little story. When I was about 12 I would buy packets of bubble gum to collect the cards inside and these were pictures of The Beatles (I am old lol) that if they were turned around formed a much bigger picture. Anyway it took me months of swapping and planning coz there is always a couple of rare ones but the sense of achievement was amazing. Anyway I carefully turned the cards over and painstakingly clued all the pieces together and when I was finished asked my mother if I could put it on my wall.

Now I don't know about you but I was allowed around 20 or so pictures of my fave pop stars on my wall and my mother said take some of them off and that was fine. Anyway I did as I was told and carefully stuck the big picture up.

Next day I returned from school to find my mother and grandmother ripping the picture from the wall and into pieces. I was hysterical with grief and tried to stop my mother but all she did was shout and yell at me and I ended up in my bedroom on my own sobbing heartbreakingly.

This completely blocked my creativity even until this day. I am trying to rediscover it but it's very difficult.

Sorry didn't mean to go on about me but what I am trying to say is I kept these boxes in my head until my depression overwhelmed me around 15 years later. I left home at 18 to go to London to get away from my mother and I learned far too much about life too soon which affects me even now. Ok many times I have relied on the lessons I learned then but I wish I could have learnt them more slowly instead of harshly when too young to cope with it. I had to go to therapy to deal with them. x