Update on my appointment with the Doctor

[dreamingofflowers9]

Just a few things I have told my Doctor:

I have no interest or pleasure in life or any activities. I feel down and I feel hopeless. I feel like I don't deserve to be in this world, and people would be happier with me out of it. im just a number. I sleep roughly 3 hours a night, and when I look at something for a while I start to see things move. I know they are not moving but in my eyes they are. I have no energy to even move out of bed. I tell myself to physically get out, but I just don't. I can not concentrate on my work or reading books. I can literally see through the book like theres a big whole in the middle. I feel like I am not here. I am invisible. I have lost a significant amount of weight recently. I feel like I am a failure to my parents and everyone I know. They all hate me, I know they do. I am a failure because I couldn't do my assignment. I feel like if I left university I would die. I have panic attacks and I have fear or what is about to happen, so I often don't go to places I would. My heart rate is 98. I am so nervous I have bitten all my nails off to the point they are bleeding and I cant move my fingers. I am nervous people won't understand me or the pain I am going through. I scream and shout at people not because I want to, its automatic because my brain cant stand it anymore. I throw things. I am afraid my life won't get any better. I am afraid I won't find any friends. I am worried about my mental health. I am worried about my looks and weight because I am ugly. I have no sexual desire. I have difficulties communicating with people. I am worried about my mother because she is going to have an operation on both legs. I am worried about my grandmother because she's in a care home thats not treating her well. I have stress at home because of my dad. My dad is very old fashioned and although I am 21 I have to ask for permission to do anything, and I mean, anything. This includes, going for a shower, or going to the garden. I have no one in the world to turn to. My mum had an accident ( a rock from a mountain hit her car). I have moved 18 times house/school. I have moved to a country I did not know the language and I did not have an option on which course I was going to study. I feel lonely. I cry all day every day. My parents hate each other, they argue, he cheats on her, he hits her, she has no control, he is her boss and my boss. My family are old fashioned, I am not allowed to wear skirts, because I am automatically a whore (even if this is in my own home!). I feel like I am not in this world, like I am invisible. Sometimes I have the acknowledge someone is talking to me, but I cant hear them because my brain isn't processing what they are saying. I don't care if I die, and I also believe people would be better off without me. I understand why people commit suicide. I haven't planned anything but I have gone to the ******** bridge, and I thought it was beautiful. Ive been trying to cope for a while now, but everything is triggering off, and its the cherry on top of my cake. 6 years ago I was diagnosed in Portugal with depression and had 3 years of counselling done. I stopped counselling because I returned to the UK. 8 of my family members died in the space of 20 months.

I have not in any way said all my worries or fears, all my problems but these are just a few. I have now been diagnosed with "low mood" . Can I have some advise on, should I accept "low mood" or if I should try and see a different doctor? I don't understand her. She has given me advice on medication (anti-depressants) and I have another appointment in two weeks to review this. why should I be taking antidepressants for low mood? It doesn't make sense in my head. she also told me to my face that my problem was not mild, it was moderate to severe. What problem, low mood? maybe I should just go shopping and I will automatically be ok... is this what people believe happens? HELP PLEASE.

[Forestina]

I really don't know what to say to help. You have been through so many unbearable events.. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I think others on this site may be able to help and advise better than I. I just didn't want you to think you were unheard.

Please hang on in there. People do understand.

My thoughts are with you.

[CazO46]

I think anyone who has gone through as much as you would feel exactly the same. It's sounds like you recognise that, for some reason, your father bullies the family, perhaps it's his own insecurities and fears that make him behave that way. But it's clearly not healthy for you and I wonder if you are in a position to start making plans to leave and make your own way in the world. Do you have friends you trust and share your feelings with? Given everything you have had to deal with perhaps therapy and anti depressant might help to set you on a track to changing some things in your life, but only you can decide if that's right for you . You sound in need of self love and compassion and time to look after yourself. Keep in touch and let your fears and frustrations out if it helps, it's a safe place to do it here

[jkl5500]

First of all, you are always welcome here. I am terribly sorry about all you've been through, and continue to go through. I don't know why your doctor called it "low mood". She prescribed anti-depressants, so obviously she feels you have depression. Please follow her instructions on taking them.

The next time you see her, ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or therapist. You need therapy to help work through all this pain. All of your symptoms are terrible, but they are, believe it or not, very common in depression. Millions of people have similar feelings and fears. I'm not saying this to downplay what you're going through. I'm saying it so you can see that many, many people are in the same boat. They all need treatment, and so do you. I'm so glad you started the process.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please stay strong, and feel free to let us know your thoughts. You can also message me anytime.

[ferris2424]

Keep asking questions, sharing your feelings, and searching for the right doctor. It is all worth it.