I hate me.

I hate myself. The only thing I don't hate are my eyes. I hate everything else about my self.

I never do anything and I never have the motivation/desire to do anything.

I'm overweight. I'm physically weak. I have lots of stretchmarks. In the fatty spots with stretchmarks, when I kinda like massage (I don't know how else to describe it) it feels like there's small pellets. It's slightly concerning.

I hate how I look. I hate how I dress (but I like it at the same time). I usually think I'm kinda ugly. My nose is large and I have a cleft chin (aka a butt chin). I have almost no make-up skills, and don't want to waste time and money on something that unimportant.

Part of me wants to dress better. Part of me wants to wear skirts or dresses almost everyday, but my thighs are so large that they chafe so I have to wear leggings, tights, or pantyhose. Part of me wants to wear dark gothic clothes and look like a hot emo. Cool black dresses and skirts.

I go back and forth and I'll have my mom buy things for me and in the moment I absolutely love it and want to wear it all the time. But I get it then I don't wear it. I wear almost the same 5 shirts under the same sweatshirt everyday to school. I always go back and forth on what kind of style I want and I just end up regretting any purchase I make (with my mom's money).

When someone describes my looks they only ever say cute. I don't wanna be cute. I want to be drop dead gorgeous and hot or atleast pretty and attractive. Or even just being so cute that I'm pretty and it makes people want to do dramatic, cliché movie/book things.

I have a boyfriend and he says I'm Cute ad attractive, but (and this may sound bad, but it doesn't help you only get my bias perspective) he doesn't think I'm hot, gorgeous, or the basic type of beautiful. He thinks I'm mentally beautiful, but I want him to lool at me and think "Damn!" But I'll only ever get "awwww she's so adorable".

I feel mentally weak. I shouldn't be upset. Technically my life is pretty great, but there are days when I don't even want to live. I currently think I'm a waste of oxygen.

I just feel lonely. I'm not though. I have some good friends. But I'm angry at one of them and don't know how to fix it (something like this has kinda happened before but the circumstances were completely different and I came to loath that person's presence and was glad when they moved). I still feel alone. Especially while sitting on my couch at 11:15pm complaining about my problems on the internet because I have no human being to comfortably talk to.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate. I hate me.

Why am I like this?

I just want it to stop. But I don't know how.

[LavendorTown88]

Hey, Molly. Girl, you need to quite all that negative self-talk. Focus on the inner beauty & then when you feel better on the inside you'll be better on the outside. You'll lose weight too. You should also focus on the good in your life instead of the bad e.g. your b/f thinking your attractive & the friends you have. You should start with that.

I hope that helped. ✌

Rebekah ~

[Hidden in reply to LavendorTown88]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but don't you think I've tried that?

The most positive things I've been able to say about my self are "I'm not that bad", "hey you don't look too bad today.", "Atleast I'm Cute"(I have to be in a good mood, or atleast as good as my mood can get, for this one to happen). I can't say "I'm so pretty and smart and awesome" or something without it feeling like a lie which just makes me feel worse. If I focus on the good I just think about how I shouldn't be this upset about anything which just makes me feel weak and I get thrown into a loop.

[CaptainCrunch in reply to Hidden]

I do the same self talk. It is easy for me to fall into these cycles and thoughts and self loathing. Truly your brain is not your friend.

I have found that I am really hard on myself. This didn’t happen over night and it is still a process.

A verse that has become ever so true to me is. “Be still and know I am God.” I tend to put a lot, a lot, a lot of pressure on myself and make super high goals and expectations for myself and then fail and then beat myself up.

Through all the years though I am learning to be still, rest, and have more grace for myself. It is not an over night thing. To start I would make myself a short list.

1. Get dressed.

2. Eat breakfast.

3. Go t work.

At the end of the day I would mark these off. Over time, crossing these items off everyday must of started releasing some dopamine in the brain because I started feeling better and better about myself. I eventually began to add more and more to my list and eventually became more productive and positive about even the smallest of efforts I put forth. I still wrestle but now I can see the bigger picture of my life a bit more clearly and when I get down I now just sit and pause and focus on even the most minor of thing I have done well.

I hope this helps but definitely don’t feel alone or that you will never get it. Just be still, rest, and take it one day at a time. And always keep posting and venting.

[iris_r in reply to CaptainCrunch]

thanks for this reply as it's helpful for me as well.

[CaptainCrunch in reply to iris_r]

If all you can do is breath then you have value and a purpose. The rest will work it’s self out in time.

[KlownyChuby1]

I've been through that battle growing up, and sometimes even as an adult. I understand what it feels like but, here's how I beat those dark thoughts.

Always listen to music, even if it's dark, sometimes the darkest lyrics can be the most understanding and can help you get your rage out if you need to. My favorite band is Slipknot and I like Sevendust, Marilyn Manson, and Tool, so I hear tons of angry things but in an odd way, it helps me feel less alone. Listen to uplifting music too, you might dance and that's always fun. If you think you can't dance... do it anyway

Listen to as many motivational videos and spiritual videos as you can, I've actually found myself and I'm still discovering myself through these. They don't have to be Christian videos, I listen to several different spiritual videos as I'm open-spiritual. I'm not lying when I say they've changed my life though.

Do you have hobbies, let me tell you, watching tons of youtube does no harm, hun! If you have a hobby, find fashion tutorials, art tutorials, hell...you like makeup? Look at makeup tutorials dude... they're awesome, watch nail videos and hair videos... those videos are my secret favorites and they're so fun to watch!

I know battling with self-hate is hard, as said, I still sometimes fight with it as well but, you have to realize you ARE gorgeous, you are amazing and wonderful, don't deprive yourself of that knowledge and listen when you watch these inspirational youtube videos and music, it can help you. If you want to be angry, put on something angry and scary and let it out. Find art and work with it. Don't tell yourself that you can't because YOU WILL!!! It took me years to realize these things but, hopefully, you will!!! Much love, support, and care to you!!!

- Klowny

[iris_r in reply to KlownyChuby1]

thank you for this reply as it's helpful for me right now as well.

[KlownyChuby1 in reply to iris_r]

you're very welcome!

[Hidden]

Hello, so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are encountering. You know that many people feel the same way about themselves, but, of course, that is no consolation to you but it's a fact, especially these days, with all the exposure in the media and advertising to glamorous and idealistic images of perfect, flawless men and women. We all know it's a myth and we are all flawed and the even the most expensive mirrors in the bathrooms of Hollywood don't lie (or maybe they do ? !!!), but we still aspire to those unreal standards. I think part of the answer to how you personally deal with this struggle, lies in some of your own words, which speak truth. You say, 'I hate how I dress ...but I like it at the same time.....Part of me wants to dress better..... Part of me wants to wear dark gothic clothes and look like a hot emo. Cool black dresses and skirts........I have some good friends." You list several positives about yourself and also aspirations....if part of you wants to wear dark, gothic clothes, then, let that part of you make the decisions, if only for a day, and see how it goes. Listen more to that part of you that sees the good - it's we all should do, me included ! Take care,

[Hidden]

I also feel the same way especially that I’ve gained even more weight and all my doctor can do is shame me for not being skinned. I’ve changed doctor’s several times and it’s always the same story. What’s important to remember is that no one is perfect and everyone is struggling with something. Perfection is an illusion created to siphon money out of people but the reality is that while I suffer there are people that see my life as perfect (surprise,surprise) because I’m on track to earn my Master’s and so on and so forth. You’re worth a lot more than you may ever realize especially since finding someone that’s genuine and engaging is super rare now.