So about 2 months ago I made an account here and I have not been on here since the first week. I was doing good I thought. I was going to therapy and I had been taking medication for about a month or so. I made this account. I was feeling hopeful.
Then I feel like out of nowhere I just woke up and I didn't want to do it anymore. I skipped 1 therapy appointment and then 2. I haven't been back since. I didn't go to my appointment for my check up with the medication. I rescheduled and then I skipped it again.
I just recently in the past week have started to feel like talking to people again. Until this past week, I spent the last 7 weeks or so deeply isolating myself. I literally only talked to anyone I absolutely had to. I tried to not go outside of my apartment at all.
I had to leave a few times and it was horrible for me. The shaking, sweating, nausea, the stomach pain, increased heart rate. Feeling like everyone can tell something is wrong with me. Feeling self conscious about my tremors.
I don't know why I always do this. I will do good for a few days, if I'm lucky a week or 2, and then it's like something takes over. I get so overwhelmed and exhausted and just feel like I can't do it and I slowly shut down for a few weeks and the pattern continues on and o
It's never quite the same though. The timing is never the same. Sometimes I'm down for a couple weeks, sometimes 2 months, and I have had times that were longer than that, but I only recently decided to start tracking it on paper.
I'm hoping that doing this will help me figure out how to do better. I'm hoping that someone will have some tips on spotting triggers. I feel like I should have it figured out by now and I'm honestly embarrassed about the way I am.
If anyone has any advice or just understands what I am talking about I would really appreciate hearing from you. I honestly have no one to talk to. My boyfriend doesn't understand. He just gets frustrated with me and yells and says I'm lazy and need to get a job. I don't know how to get him to understand why I have so much trouble keeping a job or anything else about me. I have given up getting him to understand.
So I'm sorry everyone for writing a book and just rambling on and on. If you took the time to read this thank you so much.
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Crazy-K
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Hi sorry to hear this. What exactly is your diagnosis? I am asking this coz I am wondering if you could be bi polar? Not saying you are but maybe it's something worth asking a medical expert? x
Where "triggers" are concerned, in my own experience creating lists a mile long of stuff to avoid really doesn't work for me, and I have seen it set others up to have a bazillion reasons why they must avoid more and more too.
For me, being able to be a part of the world the way it actually is, in my experience, much easier than trying to get the whole world to change any certain fact of life, "because I'm too broken to deal with it."
Here's what works best for me when I get to where it sounds like you have been lately (and yeah, I definately relate to feeling EXACTLY -
Little things to make myself feel better. If I make a list of just two or three things that are simple and I know I can accomplish, and just focus on doing one of them, that is a simple way to get at least a few things done. I may not feel better that day or the next ehen I start doing this again, but I start feeling better sooner.
I also try NOT to explain, justify, large or defend the fact that I don't feel well. People can either trust me to know I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time, and if advice like, "Just don't feel that way," worked, everyone would just choose to be happy, successful and perfect all the time, or not. I usually don't have the hastle of choosing my friends from some long list of candidates, people either like me and don't try to force me to be someone I'm not, or they . . . well . . . there's the door.
I also have a tenancy to really tear into myself for not feeling well. That's perhaps the WORST thing I can do. If I treated my friends that way when THEY were sick or struggling- you, you guessed it, they would eventually drift away. Being *NICE TO MYSELF* (even if I really don't mean it) is huge.
People here have been really cool and said some really nice things TO me, ABOUT me that are ACTUALLY TRUE. (If it's not true stuff, it doesn't help me) But you know what? I need to keep moving forward by doing that FOR MYSELF too, so here goes. Maybe I can help you at the same time by being a good example.
1.) I actually DO care an awful lot about people.
2.) I actually DO have really strong morals. For example, if I need to make certain kinds of decisions, I will often take a much more difficult road, because I know it will be better for our children, grand children and beyond, and that is the true measure I live by.
3.) I am more handsome than Burt Renolds, Fred Astaire, Paul Neuman or ANY of them tee famous actor guys. I know it's true because my mom always told me so. Oh, wait, I mean . . .
3.) I have a decent sence of HUMOR.
4.) I am in fact really smart and can fix just about anything. I may be a real social nit-wit, but most people are either really skilled technically or socially, rarely both.
5.) Dogs love me, and I'm a fantastic trainer and handler.
6.) I know how to admit when I don't know something and don't always feel bad about it like I used to. (Yeah, I had to practice at that one!)
7.) I almost ALWAYS say thank you when someone deserves a thank you.
8.) I haven't bitten my fingernails in years.
9.) I haven't strangled anyone or run anyone over with my car or anything like that EVER. (If you live in the same world I do, you are smiling because you know there have been times you'd have liked to too! See the REAL item 3 on this list. lol)
10.) I have learned how, when it's true, how to say, "I was wrong. I want to make it right," and, "I am sorry, and will honestly try never to do that again."
Not a bad list, hu? I bet if you really sat down and thought about it, you could make a pretty decent list about yourself too. You only have to think of one single thing you like about yourself or are truely proud of yourself for to start.
I have great problems when going out. I live alone with my cat and dog. I rescued my dog a year ago, he had been very abused and was think years old. Well he is an emotional support dog for me and loves to go in a shopping cart, he is what makes me have to leave my home. If anyone comes near me he will bark and if you are in my home and come near me he will bite you. ok he goes overboard with that cause even my son can not come near me when he visits. But my little 8lb dog is the love of my life and has made me have to get out. I walk him in my yard but goes to all stores with me and has a car seat right next to me. Just something like that can help one so much. I have ptsd, bipolar depression (no ups just severe downs) and bad anxiety. I feel it's a journey that I now plan to get through without harming myself anymore.
I really love dogs and I wish I could get a dog. Unfortunately my landlord is strict about no pets. I haven't had a dog since I got away from my abuser when I was about 14, so 16 yrs. ago.
My father was my abuser so I guess that's what messes me up the most. The abuse I have been through was horrible, but the fact that my father was my abuser seems to make it so much harder. My dog was my best friend during that time in my life. When my mother finally got me out of that situation she did not let me keep my dog. I was devastated by that.
I have self harmed in the past, back when I was in high school. Thankfully I haven't done anything like that for a long time. I am glad you are planning to not do that anymore. I understand how that can be. I think a support dog would help me a lot though. Maybe I can figure out a way to get one. Thanks for the support and understanding. I really do appreciate it.
I looked this up because I was pretty sure that you have the right to have a soothing service pet...
“If you are disabled and you need a service animal to provide service or emotional support, you have the right to ask your landlord to allow a pet in the premises regardless of the initial language in the lease. A service animal is not a pet. A request to allow an emotional support pet is your right and is clearly defined under the law. (See link below.) Asking your landlord to add a pet to your lease based upon your disability is called a request for a reasonable accommodation. Your request must be reasonable. EX, it would be unreasonable to get a big, untrained vicious dog because the landlord could be liable if the dog bit someone in the building. You must also prove to the landlord that you are disabled within the meaning of the Americans with Disabilities Act. If your disability is psychiatric you are absolutely entitled to request a reasonable accommodation that could include owning a service animal. Usually you can get a letter from your treating doctor describing your disability and that having a pet would mitigate your, say, anxiety disorder. The Bazelon link below provides a sample doctor’s letter that briefly describes the patient’s mental disability and “prescribes” a pet to provide some alleviation of the symptoms; as well as outlining your lawful rights as a whole.”
Janigail. I have a dog as well. She is my best friend. I have a much harder time relating to people because no one gets me. So I try not to do it. How did your dog get certified to go everywhere with you? I want that so bad. As of now if I go anywhere I can’t take my girl. I often panic when I’m in large stores around a lot of people. It’s actually gotten ugly before. I do try to control that now but it’s tricky. If I could bring my sweet girl it would keep me so much calmer. If she rides with me anywhere now she has to stay in the car and that is way too much anxiety for me to handle leaving her in the car even in good weather. Oh how I wish she could come with me.
A doctor could get it for you but I talked to a friend and got a tag online for about $60, he has no training at all but he is such a comfort for me. Look it up online and you can buy a coat for a tag. I got a tag cause my guy is only 8lbs. I put a blanket in the cart and he sits on that. This way the shopping cart is clean but even when someone questioned me and said he had to be walked, I talked to the store manager and he said my Petie was welcomed since I put a blanket down where he sits. He agreed that my dog was cleaner than most kids that sit in the carts.
I have two. My oldest is around 16-17 pounds. The baby is 14.5 pounds. The baby is actually my sons. He is 23. He works and she is with me 24/7. She is wild but very sleep. My Tater Tot that is 14 is very calm. She can be very protective against strangers or other dogs at home. Not my son thank God. Lol. That’s cute! She would definitely ride easily. She could walk also. She would be good. She just has a bad heart murmur and CHF and is up in age. We had a backpack for the puppy that was made for her with mesh on sides and we used to take her but she’s too big now. I’m looking it up. The baby may need a little more training. She’d go crazy! My Tater Tot dachshund could be good though. I’m going to look it up ASAP though. If a dog is a therapy dog can rentals not allow them? Wondering for crazy-K.
Many businesses are getting stricter about proving the animal is really a support animal and that your doctor affirms this. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people pretending that they have a support animal, just so they can take it anywhere and not pay for doggie day care or transporting it in a normal manner or whatever, and that ruins it for those of you who really do need a support animal. One thing you absolutely should do is get your dog some training. If you take your dog out in public it should not bark or snap at anyone who comes near you. That is a legal liability for you if it should injure anyone. Also, I have a dog phobia, and although I am working on it, it's still pretty bad. So if your dog got too close to me and barked or snapped at me, that would exacerbate my mental health problems while I was just trying to live my daily life. I once saw a woman at a bus stop who had a severe dog phobia kick at a dog that got too close to her, and she didn't think, just panicked because the dog got too close to her. Apparently the woman who was walking the dog on a very long leash thought it was more important for her and her dog to wander wherever it wanted than to respect another human beings' right to have a very little personal space in which to feel comfortable. Unfortunately, I have found dog training to be quite expensive from a professional, and difficult to do from just reading a book or watching a video.
I completely relate to tearing myself down. I have always been my worst enemy. I know that I shouldn't and I know I need to stop that. I guess after all the yrs of abuse my thinking is just wrong.
I don't expect the world to change anything, I know it won't. I want to exist and be happy in the world as it is. I guess I just don't know how to get over the anxiety I feel. Like I can never fully relax and truly enjoy things. There's always that part of me that's on alert and ready for whatever danger may be. I know it's irrational, but I can't make it go away and that is frustrating.
I do have a problem with trying to explain and justify the way I am to my close family though. I guess I feel like if I explain it enough that they will understand. That obviously doesn't work so I'm glad you mentioned that. It's definitely something I should work on.
I love your list though, and I love dogs too. You made me laugh so thank you for that. I think I can work on a list for myself like that, and that might help. I will definitely try. Thank you for your help.
Make small achievable goals. Then you can cross them off the list. When you do it will motivate you. At least it does me. Baby steps. Then work your way up. Please try to keep your therapy and doctor appts. Obviously your BF does not understand. A lot of people don’t. That’s understandable. Being abusive though is not. I know you said you were abused when young. I’m so sorry. That must be horrible. The cycle seems to be continuing even though differently. Calling you names etc is not right. That could have something to do with your backwards progress. You need to do this for yourself. If you go out you need to focus on how you feel and what you can do to make yourself more comfortable. Not what other people may or may not think. Meditation and breathing exercises can be very helpful. I hope you find your peace. Force yourself to go to doctor and therapy. It’s a necessity if you want to heal. It’s hard. I know. I’ve done it. It’s force every time I have to go. You can do it! Focus on the results. That could be a small goal. Go to doctor. I wish you well.
Thank you so much. I have been thinking for awhile that my bf is probably making my depression worse. I don't expect him to totally understand, but I have told him so many times that the way he speaks to me makes me feel worse. He now says I make him depressed which makes me feel terrible.
I know it isn't my fault, I would never intentionally hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad. I think that is another part of my problem though. I have been hurt so much that I am constantly trying to make sure I don't hurt anyone's feelings. I put up with a lot of things that I shouldn't.
There's a voice somewhere inside that tells me I have to stop allowing others to treat me badly. I don't know how many times I have cried my eyes out from him yelling at me. When it happens I just shut down completely. I can't handle men yelling at me, and he knows this. I don't know how many times I have heard I'm sorry for being a jerk. And it's always the same things and I always say it's ok and accept the apology.
I know I need to change these things. I feel ashamed and stupid that I continue to put up with things that I shouldn't. I know it doesn't make sense. I know I need to change but I guess I don't know how to begin.
I know when I do go out, like you said, I worry about everyone else that's out instead of myself. It's like I have to watch everyone and everything as much as possible or I'm not"safe". It's not so much what are they thinking but more like what will they do. I feel like I'm constantly on guard.
I'm going to set a goal of getting back into therapy and seeing the doctor. I think part of the reason I haven't gone back is I'm ashamed of myself for skipping my appointments. Like you said, I will just have to force myself to do it. I will try. Thank you for the support.
There is no excuse for him to yell at you until you cry! You do NOT deserve that! You are special and important. You sound like my mini me though unfortunately. My husband is an alcoholic. The “sorry” can only be said so many times before it stops having meaning. If he was sorry he would change the behavior. I feel stuck at my age with no where to go. I don’t have the means to support myself. I just started a savings account though and I’m working on it. You can not allow him to treat you that way. Please trust me! You are so much more special than that. If he doesn’t change he doesn’t mean it. My husband blames me for his depression. If I’m sad or hurting he says I’ve now ruined his day. I make him depressed. I’ve reminded him where the door is because I would not want to hurt him as he hurts me. He just doesn’t take it. He like it sounds like your man may be is a bully. Call him on it and watch him. You’ll know if he means it. You can’t recover from abuse while still being abused. You should be able to at least feel safe in your own home!
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve cancelled an appointment. Probably as many as you’ve had. Doctors are very used to that. Therapists as well. That’s why you’re there. Do not worry about that. That should be the least of your worries. That’s what they treat. It’s okay. The important thing is that you get help. I’m not sure where in the world you live but in the US in VA my friend was in an abusive relationship and got her rent paid for a year so she could get back on her feet. Look into domestic violence help if needed. Let him know that you will not allow you to be treated that way. Take it from me! ❤️
Thank you. The logical part of my mind says I know I deserve better. I don't feel like I deserve better I guess. It's so frustrating knowing the truth but feeling totally opposite. I hope that makes some sort of sense. I have a hard time explaining it I guess because I don't really understand it myself. I just know that something has to be off, something isn't right.
You are so right about the sorry. I don't even understand why he bothers saying sorry. Whenever he says sorry now I'm just like whatever, sure you are. Then if he doesn't apologize for something, he says he's not apologizing because I will just think he's lying anyway.
That makes me feel crazy when he says that one.
It makes me feel guilty, like I have done something wrong.
It makes me mad because I know he is just saying it to be a jerk.
It makes me sad because I don't understand why he does this to me.
He is just mean to me for no reason. It really hurts my feelings because I don't know what I have done to deserve this.
I know I need to get off my butt and find a job. I know I have gained weight and I know I'm not the way I was in the beginning of our relationship. I know I have changed. He has changed a lot too though, and there is a lot more to the story. I have gone on long enough though so I won't get into all of that.
I know what you mean about feeling stuck. I have no job or car. I cannot take care of my son or myself financially. I have no idea how I'm going to get away from here. I know I have to though.
He does sound very similar to your husband. He likes to drink too and when he does is when he gets really mean. There are other things but alcohol is one that makes it worse. I have told him to leave or said, hey, if you want to go than you know the way out. The last 2 really bad fights he packed his stuff and I said go ahead. Both times he said he would be gone in the morning and he's still here.
I have only recently began questioning if he is abusive to me. It's like all this time, 6 years, and I just now started to see it. He has truly fooled me for so long, or I'm just stupid or I don't know what. All the abuse I received as a child you would think I would of seen it right away and gotten out.
I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that from your husband. I hope you are able to find a way to get away from him. You definitely deserve better than that and he has no reason to treat you so bad. I wonder how they can be the way they are? Our "men" I will call them. How do they feel ok about treating us so bad? I will never understand why people puposely hurt others.
I'm going to try and start going back to therapy. I hate going so bad but I know I need to. I feel ridiculous though like I'm too old and should have everything figured out by now. I worry about what the therapist is thinking while I'm talking. I'm wondering if I can really be 100 percent honest, I don't know if I can trust them, What if they think I'm just trying to get drugs? What if they think I'm crazy?
I worry about anything and everything possible. I know it's irrational, but my brain just automatically starts trying to determine every possible outcome. By the time I get to the appointment I'm a sweaty, shaky, nauseous mess.
Then I try to hide it. I don't know why. I'm trying to get help for it and I tell her I get like that sometimes. Why am I doing that? I get to the office and try to look like I'm calm and comfortable. I try not to let it show how bad I feel even though I'm a mess on the inside. It's like I sabatoge myself.
I will try and look up resources in my area. I have never even heard of anything like that. I am sorry for the long post, I haven't really told anyone all of these things ever and it's the first time I have felt comfortable doing so. I hope you have a good day. I appreciate your support so much. Thank you.
I don't get physically abused but emotionally,every day from my husband. Ive made mistakes in the past and hurt him. I'm stuck in this house and isolated myself recently. Just confused what to do.
I am sorry you have to go through that. Past mistakes or not you don't deserve that. I know the isolation doesn't help. Talking to others on here makes me feel less isolated, but I don't know how to begin doing anything in real life. I made an appointment to go back to therapy. I don't know what else to do. Have you tried therapy before?
Hi! I had to reach out after reading this because everything you wrote sounds like my life at the moment. I here you and I understand you. I'm in a very painful place myself right now that's why I decided to join this group. I'm so sorry for you pain ..for I know it all too well. I have nothing or you at the Moment except for my prayers .🙏🏻
Thank you so much! It really does mean a lot. I'm so sorry you are going through similar things. It really can feel unbearable a lot of the time. Your kind words and prayers are more than enough. I would like to offer you the same. I hope we can both find a way to feel better. It is just nice to have others who understand and to have people to talk to. It definitely helps.
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I hate myself
Terrified I have Esophagus Cancer.
Some one please tell how do I make myself feel better ?
It's been an uphill battle
