I don't really know how to begin. I'm 20 and ever since I could remember, my parents were always screaming at each other. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12 and I grew up believing that all men were terrible. I couldn't speak to boys at all, glaring at them when I could and the thought of finding a boyfriend grew slimmer and slimmer as the years went past. It was only last year when I grew comfortable with speaking with boys, but even then I can't let people in. There is one part of me that wants a relationship but the other half just holds my heart and screams at the thought of it. If I know a guy is interested in me, I'll do my best to squash his hopes. I don't think I can explain how terrified I am to be close with people. Do you guys ever feel this way?
When I was 10-12, I repeated got back-stabbed by my friends and was a laughing stock in school. When I was 13, I moved to a different school and the same thing happened. When I told my mom this -how I think it's my fault for being weird, or just feeling sad, she would act supportive. But then there are many days when she would use all of my fears against me. It got better after I became 14, at finding friends at least. But I would never let them in, and I think it's because I've grown so used to my mom using everything I told her against me. And it just really hurts so bad.
On the outside I'm a fairly confident person, but inside I just feel like I'm a mess. I honestly don't even know why I exist. I don't have any friends. People don't even want to know me because I can't let them in. Everyone gives up on me. I am trying my best to keep relationships with people but... nothing ever works.
This post is everywhere and I'm sorry if nothing I say makes sense. I just really don't know what to do now. I have thought of killing myself many times, but I don't have the courage to do it. And I also believe in God, who honestly is my only anchor right now. I think if I were to die, nobody would miss me but God.