21 years old, suffering from severe anxiety, social anxiety as well as depression for about 3-4 years now. Used to be a funny confident guy with an abundant of friends, now i live in my room 24/7 with no contact with anyone but my mum and younger brother. Completely robbed of life due to all this shit thats gone on but nonetheless its my own fault that my mind is the way it is because i choose to not seek help. I mean ive had a handful of therapists within the space of a couple years. I been on and off meds for periods in between, however I have commitment issues trust issues and all the rest of it. To cut a long story short. Some reasonings behind not really pushing myself and going for it are "i dont care about myself so whats the point" "I dont trust anybody **** everybody" "everyone lets me down anyway" "I already know life will never get any better" "IM TOO FAR GONE".... To think I used to be a bright kid, 12 GCSEs, 3 A-levels... I cant even do simple mental math anymore. Excuse the grammar and erraticness (yes i make up words to) but IM SICK TO DEATH OF LIVING LIKE THIS. Im so done with life my family all call me selfish but they're just ignorant and dont understand my head space. If i committed suicide I would be selfish. Its got to a point now where in person im a completely different character with company than without. I have panic attacks around my fucking sister that doesn't live at home when she comes over. Its almost as if they think ive chosen this path and wished this upon myself. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This isn't a life. I fear im too far gone now my mind is just on a completely different spectrum. When im on my own and see people laughing together whilst watching a movie i start breaking down because Ill never get those feelings back. I cant even construct a paragraph properly anymore. Sorry for the waffle. I dont love myself anymore so whats the point anyways means no one can love me.
I dont know what to achieve from sticking this online but any advice would be appreciated.