The thought of death, morphine and machine gun fires eases the pain

[Cruelife]

55 years on this earth and Life throws all the bad and ugly. I learn, persevere and get up, be kind, and all I get is pain time and time again. And now my boyfriend dumped me because he prefers another woman. What a waste of precious time. The thought of dying gives me a tinsy tiny bit of relief. Women want to be desired and in return will give back their life to their man. Is that too much to ask for? I have taken care of my sick parents and put food on the table for my younger siblings. So many problems I had to overcome. Never ending. And now rejection again. Life is my enemy. I surrender. I want out. Does anyone feel the same?

[Hidden]

O I do only problem is I’m too exhausted from all the battles I’ve face and still continue to do till this day. The worst battles imop are the ones in my head. When I think about a gun to my head I feel somewhat peaceful too bad I don’t have a gun of my own so no blame will be taken on others if I do decide to exit. There’s also the possibility that me ending my life will cause a domino effect among those that do care about me. Im a suicide survivor to my little brothers death from suicide and I’ll tell you it haunts me everyday don’t know entirely if that’s the route I want to take as it is extremely painful for those that are left behind. So I’m left enduring and rotting slowly inside. Honestly if there was an easy way out and no one would be blamed nor cared it would make my decision a hell of a lot easier. Guilt can eat someone away slowly and torturing them at the same time so like I said before I’m trapped and stuck

[Cruelife in reply to Hidden]

I feel you Squall901! Death and rejection are the worse kind of pain. Exhaustion and trapped is also what I feel. We never made these horrible things happen. It just did. And its not just in my head. They really did happen over and over. We try to be decent conciencious people, but I look around and no one else I know have had pain and suffering like mine. Why us? It's not fair, and I don't know how I can make things feel better.

[Hidden in reply to Cruelife]

It is my friend rejection will warp your mind completely trust me on that. I don’t care how tough you are if you get ostracized or rejected it’s going to mess you up psychologically. Correct me if I’m wrong I think 80% of school shootings happen because some poor soul is getting ganged up on and has no where to turn so he/she retaliates by going on a rampage. The reason I mentioned this is because being abandoned or rejected by society is extremely painful and when no one cares to listen, be your friend, believe you, or acknowledge your presence it summons anger inside of you because you feel worthless and undeserving of love. How do I know this because I’m a victim of being shunned. Am I going to go on a killing spree? No and why???? Well first off I’m honestly a kind hearted genuine person so thank god for that. Secondly harming others is not my Nature I’ve always been the one to sacrifice myself to help others even if it meant I’m not going to get anything back. Last but not least I’m a human being with feelings and moral values. I have a ton of remorse towards other human beings especially those that have life difficult if I was to ever think or act out and harm others I’m going to put a bullet in my head first. God to honest truth I dunno how I’m still alive and breathing with no friends, s/o, shunned by the community, and much much more. I’m not mad at anyone nor do I hate them just sucks for me I guess lol.

[angelonfire]

i as well feel similar to you! i feel as though i have done nothing but try to be the best person i could be to everyone on this earth and in return i get pain and more pain. i was sexually abused as a child, then as a teenager, all while growing up in an abusive home, with an entire abusive/untreated mentally ill family i naturally chose relationships that mocked what i viewed at home, unfortunately i was then again abused by boyfriends. my stepfather treated me like an outcast, and my biological dad was never in the picture. my mother was my soul provider, my one true family and then she was taken from me and i am barely twenty. i have two younger sisters ages eleven and thirteen, and i'm just lost and broken. the whole entire family is divided and i just want my mom back. she was the glue, and now i am in pieces.

[Cruelife in reply to angelonfire]

I feel for you precious angelonfire! I wonder if we can change our lives, just totally diguise ourselves, run for it, and try to find a better life for ourselves out there. Is there such a thing as something better for us? Or are we just born to be doomed? I try to tell myself "You are stronger than your sufferings". Maybe it's true because we are still alive in this cruel infair life.

[angelonfire in reply to Cruelife]

I feel the exact same. after my mother died, my biological father has invited me to come live with him in a new city away from everything i've ever known, and it's almost as if i'm too afraid to accept. I hate the place that i'm in, but at the same time i'm so afraid of the unknown that i'm scared to even visit him. it's so overwhelming and i've always said that maybe god just hates me, and if there isn't a god, then my life is just cursed. i can't figure out why so many bad things happen to me, and it's relieving to know that someone out there gets it, but at the same time i feel for you because i know just how much pain someone must be in to understand. i too, wonder if we can find a better life, and i hope we can. i try to find it in helping others, though i wish the healing i bring to them, could be returned to me but something is always popping back up, threatening to break down every ounce of progress i have made.

[Stilltrying_]

This is very recent and so you are reeling from the shock and the abandonment of being left. Our feelings can become very intense at this time. It is important to recognise you are in a crisis situation and your emotions are very escalated at the moment. In around 3 days time the crisis will end as the mind cannot remain in this state for any longer than that. You may find that some medication from the doctor can help you calm down a little and ease you over this difficult time. You are a strong woman and you will get up again and live to fight another day. XXX

[Cruelife in reply to Stilltrying_]

Stilltrying_ You must have a very high level of empathic intelligence, that you were able to sense that indeed, this just recently happened to me! And your reply made a lot of sense. It is now the 3rd day, and I try to constantly challenge my negative thoughts, but am still losing. I dont know if anything is worth fighting for anymore. I hope that the medical treatment I will seek would help. Thank you so much for the advise, and also for that little reminder of my strength. oxo

[Hidden]

Sure share w/e you’d like I’m up for it.

[Maxiomargie]

I so know how you feel. Rejection can send anyone into a anxiety/ depression episode. I wouldn't admit it anywhere but here, but yes, I do sometimes wish for the "sweet release of death". I have grown children though, who still need me (despite what they might think!). And a husband who would be lost without me. So I trudge on, putting one foot in front of the other, and just try to keep going. Life is NOT easy for me. Simple things are hard to get done, but I just focus on the moment when it gets that tough. I wake up every morning with a "fear flash" that takes about an hour to subside. I take my meds in the morning for this reason, and have to sit with my coffee until the feeling mellows. And then I go off to work to a job I really don't like, but at my age probably have to stay at until I retire. I pray for "normalcy" all the time. So you are not alone with your thoughts of just packing it in. But there's always hope. Where there is life, there is hope. My prayer for you is that you find some peace in this crazy world. Give yourself kudos for all that you've accomplished! And you did it while suffering from this terrible A/D. You must be a strong person, even if you don't think so. Best wishes always and peace to you!

[Cruelife in reply to Maxiomargie]

Maxiomargie your family is so lucky to have a strongly determined mum and wife like you who constantly perseveres despite all the odds. I'll keep it in my heart, what you said, especially about putting one foot in front of the other, to keep going. A big Kudos to you too, loving and strong lady!

[Maxiomargie in reply to Cruelife]

Cruelife, I don't feel strong at all, but thank you very much. I needed to hear someone say that. I'll be hibernating this weekend - just catch up on some chores and a LOT of R&R. I need to do that before going back to work after a week off! Best wishes to you and be well!

[angelonfire]

i am very interested in hearing what you've learned, please enlighten me!1

[Cruelife]

CoachTammyStar, thank you, I really needed to hear that. It is true, I do feel very worthless right now, and seems like I sure can pick the duds All I ever longed for is a man who is capable of caring for others/me as much as himself. I thought there was no such thing. But it seems like the folks in this thread have proven me wrong. All very kind, sensitive to others, caring, perhaps are even capable of caring about others more than themselves.