My fiance's presence made me very angry. I am trying to understand why?

Hi,

So my fiance (ex) and I broke up three months ago. I have been posting about it on this forum. While I have gotten over it in (I think) a very healthy manner, I still have a burning question in my mind. I would like to ask you for your different opinions and experiences that maybe similar.

When I was with him, I was in a constant contradictory state. Loved him dearly one day and excitedly planned the future. The next moment, I could not stand him. I would pick on the tiniest flaws and fight. As the wedding drew closer, I could not stand him at all. I was so loyal to him but found myself wondering if I would meet someone I loved more.

I thought I was going through depression. However, once we broke up (I thought my world would shatter) I feel a great sense of relief. I am happier and healthier than I've ever been when I was with him. So now I am starting to wonder were my bouts of anger and sadness because of my depression or were they because of my relationship?

How could one claim to love someone, yet cannot stand the sound of their voice? How could one plan a wedding, while feeling like she hates the whole thing? (PS: I hated planning the wedding. My mum and my best friend was constantly worried why I am not excited as you would expect a bride-to-be to be!). How could one feel a general sense of loneliness after a breakup but not miss the ex at all?

I would really like to understand what I went through

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I wish I knew the answers. Not knowing him makes it hard. Sometimes you can love someone yet not like them. It very difficult! I am married to someone I truly love and want the best for but can’t stand being around him. I turn into a nervous wreck. He hasn’t been home the last 2 days and it’s been nice. Now he’s called to say he’s on his way and my stomach is in knots. I know my why. He’s an alcoholic and very gruff and mean sounding. I’m the exact opposite. I’m constantly being told to stand up for myself and call his crap. It just makes me physically sick inside. I also feel stuck because of finances for one. Then every time I start to feel like I can confront him something bad happens. He got hurt really bad. Then his dad passed away. Then his mom become a very hard situation for him. Then his granny who mostly raised him passed away last week. You get the picture. If I were in Your shoes I would have gotten married and stayed miserable. I can’t give you much advice but I am envious of you. You knew in your heart and mind it wasn’t right. Sometimes our subconscious knows thing we don’t. When you find the one there will be very little doubt. Some anxiety is normal. To me it doesn’t sound like it was your anxiety influencing you falsely. You came out better off. I think it just wasn’t meant to be. I hope you continue to find your happy and stand strong for yourself. I do think you can love people without liking them and sometimes love just isn’t enough. I’m here if you need to talk. I understand perfectly I’m just weaker than you.

[Hidden in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Thank you for your reply. I've been asking this question from people I'm close to. I am usually a sweet person and today my mum complimented me on that. I asked her "how could this me and the me when I was with him be the same person?". My mum has witnessed how nasty I was with him btw. She said the exact thing you said. That maybe my subconscious was rejecting him. I believe in good love. God forbid I'm nearly 30 and single as fuck, but I am not settling for less anymore. I believe in the kind of love that has respect, passion and an equal contribution. I hope one day, you will see you are worth far beyond this man you speak of

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to Hidden]

I think you are so strong and kind. You got this! You shouldn’t have to settle. When the right one comes you’ll know it! 2 wholes make a whole in a relationship. If you both bring your whole to it you will have a whole union. If he brings half and you bring half what are you if he’s gone. We can’t change others but we can change how we allow them to treat us. I’ve got work to do on that but it’s all good. Don’t be like me. Never settle. There is too many wonderful complete human beings in this world to settle.