I have a very hard time dealing with death. Thinking about the topic gives me a pit in my stomach, and a feeling of anxiety that differs from the others. I am not afraid of dying, for I believe in God and hope to go to heaven. However, thinking of others dying makes me very anxious.
Today I am attending the wake of a childhood friend. She was very young and overdosed on heroin. She was smart, kind, big hearted, and absolutely beautiful. I feel so powerless over drug addiction.
Well, bottom line, I am extremely anxious to attend the wake and hope that I do not have a panic attack. My heart is heavy and my eyes are filled, and all I can do is hope for better days.
Written by
AllisonO
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I know how you feel. After my dad passed away when I was 21, I just haven’t been able to go to any more funerals after his. It just crushes me. Some of the extended family doesn’t understand and have made rude comments about me not going to an uncle and a cousins funeral the last year. It’s not that I’m disrespecting them or love them any less, it’s just too hard for me to go. I want my last memory of that person to be the last fun time we had together, not a memory of seeing them in their coffin.
That is exactly, spot on, how I feel too. I hate the local funeral homes, and all of the horrible memories they hold. Just the smell of the incense/flowers is nauseating alone. I attended my friends wake tonight, and I almost feinted. I loved her dearly, but the overwhelming emotion of it all was just too much. She was only 24, so sad. So strange, when you start to see the people you grew up with for years die. Whether it be drugs, tragedy, or illness...the numbers just keep growing. Suppose that's just life though, right?
ps....I will for sure be cremated. Coffins are a NO-GO for me.
Thank you for your support. Glad I'm not alone in the fear of funerals. xox <3
Hey AllisonO, I'm very proud of you for facing your fears. I used to be very afraid of funerals at a young age. I even lost my Mom at 22. That was the most traumatic yet beautiful funeral because so many people loved my mom and it was amazing how packed it was. Believe me it's still super hard but it was 15 years ago so it's like not as heart wrenching everyday.
That's terribly sad. I'm so sorry that your friend went through this and that you lost her this way. These occasions are meant to be sad, I think, so that we can say goodbye. I understand your anxiety, though. I would just try to focus on your friend when she was healthy and how much she meant to you, and to know that by being there, you are honoring that memory.
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