My experience with life.

[Phaeda]

Life for me has never been easy. I was taken from my home when I was three years old. I don't remember much about my parents aside from my father who abused my mother. We lived in a single wide trailer. My four siblings, my mother, father, and I. Somehow my Grandfather got custody of me and I don't remember when that change happened. I would go to his apartment on the weekends where I would demand a bath because my feet were very dirty. I always knew I had another family. That I had siblings, but I wasn't allowed to know anything about them or what they looked like. My grandfather's Significant Other (going to be referred to as SO) would say the same thing when I asked about my Biological Mother. "You wouldn't know her if she came in here and bit you on the as*" And made remarks that she was "A Bleach Blonde Tramp, and White Trash." So I knew nothing about my biological family other than what she told me because my i don't think it ever occured to me that my grandfather would know. In fact until I was 10, I didn't know he was my grandfather. I had no idea we were related. Things were fine with them for about a year. Then SO had a baby. The whole reason they got me was because she had been told she'd never be able to have children. Then one year after I am a permanent part of the family, there's a new addition. Of course I acted out because I had to share the attention with someone else again. But I was always treated like a problem. I was constantly berated for simple little things. I once got grounded because I asked one to many times (three times) if I could refill my water gun and keep playing with my friends outside. I wasn't allowed to go outside for three days. I loved being able to run barefoot outside and to just play in the sun. I loved being outside. And because I annoyed her she grounded me. I was afraid of her so I didn't dare disobey. I knew I'd get one heck of a butt busting or put in time out in the tiny bathroom to the side of the kitchen. The room was barely big enough for the toilet and sink. The only thing that kept me from getting to agitated was the painting of the ocean and birds on the wall, and the seashells that I would study until it time was up. Fast foreword a few years and she has another baby. I'm 4 when the first is born and 8 when the second one is. Now growing up I assumed they were my sisters because we lived together. I thought I was lucky to have two families. But I was still afraid of my biological family because I was lied to about them. Not my father but my mother and siblings. And SO would threaten me when I was a child with the same line. "If you don't behave I'll send you back where you came from." Needless to say I began holding back the emotions from things that upset me. Mostly when I thought things were unfair or that I thought she was doing something wrong. But she was never wrong, it was her way or the highway all the time. There was only the occasional hair pulling which she claimed was just an accident. Her fingers must have gotten caught in my hair since it was so long. And the smack to the mouth when I "back talked." Which she missed most of the time and ended up just hitting me in the face. I never thought to tell anyone because I thought it was normal. The other two children were "Angels" and never could do anything wrong. Again all this I thought was normal because I didn't know any better. Fast forward again, I'm 12 when we move towns. I'm having to leave everything I've ever known and have to start all over because SO wants to move closer to her mother who is getting older. I believe at the time she was in her early to mid 60's. Things are going as well as can be with being the new kid and trying to find where I fit in and such. Until two years later my grandfather picks me up from school which was very strange because he worked for a construction company driving a truck and the occasional heavy lifting. So alarm bells were going off. SO's brother, who I called Uncle, had died of a heart attack. He was my favorite person. I'd never seen him get angry, never heard him raise his voice, he was never anything other than kid to us kids. That was my first experience with death where I understood what had happened. Two years after that my grandfather died and here's where I felt like I was in a Cinderella story. It was very apparent that I was no longer considered her child. I was the Bolton Bitch because I was related to the man who died and left everything to a wife. They were never married and she'd found out that he's also cheated on her. As if any of that were my fault. So the abuse kicked up a few notches. I was getting smacked around more and finally I'd had enough and stood up for myself. So she changed tactics. Now it was emotional abuse. Always telling me what an ungrateful and useless child I was and that she should have taken me back to my parents for them to deal with. The other two kids got whatever it was they wanted before I was even considered. I was fed, clothed, and all the things that if you were to see from the outside looked normal. But inside the family home it was chaos. I'd ask to go to a friends house for the weekend and instantly be told no because there was house work to be done. The middle child would ask and be told yes and she'd later call and ask if she could stay another day and be told yes again. Finally after years of dealing with the abuse I started pretending it didn't bother me so she moved on to her kids. I refused to let them suffer what I had to endure my entire childhood. So I threatened to call the police if she laid a hand on them. I couldn't do much about the emotional abuse. And as siblings we fought often because of the environment we were always in. It was toxic. As soon as I turned 18 I moved out of the house and in with my boyfriend at the time. I had/have major issues with depression and anxiety. And always heard "Your crocodile tears won't work on me." whenever I'd cry about anything. So I turned that inward and because self destructive. I'd cut myself. Not deep enough to bleed most times but enough for it to hurt. No razors just a dull knife or a thumb tack. I wanted to control the hurt. It always left me empty and guilty. I hated myself for everything I thought I should be able to do but couldn't. I felt guilty because I felt the way I did and there were those out there who had it worse off than I did. So what right did I have to feel that way? My biological sister found and messaged me on facebook my senior year of high school. I knew it was her because we look almost identical. She's one year younger than me but she's got the light hair and eyes like our mother and I've got the darker skin and dark hair with green eyes. I got to see my sister and mother for the first time since I was three years old my senior year of high school. They took me to Dollywood and I don't remember being so happy. To finally be able to get to know my family that I'd been denied for so long. My three sisters and my brother. Things were just starting to look up but that didn't mean that I didn't have episodes of major depression at night when I was left alone with my thoughts. I was still hurting myself and I suppose it was too much for my boyfriend at the time to deal with so he told me that it'd be better if I went to live with my mother who I just met in 10+ years. I managed to talk him into letting me stay in his place (with his mother, father, two sisters, and grandmother.) in the three bedroom trailer until I graduated. I'd already been told by his family and my own family that I had to go to college as soon as I graduated. So not only did I not have my summers to myself because of the college prep program they signed me up for every year but now I didn't get a break from school and just had to jump right into college. So I'd just lost my boyfriend, moved onto campus, roomed with a stranger who on the first night of being there brought her boyfriend and had sex with him while I was in the room. Talk about awkward. And on top of that problems at home were getting bad. The middle child was now the target of SO's abuse since I wasn't there to protect her from it. She reacted much differently than I did. Where I tried to just not attract attention she just did whatever it was she wanted. And got away with it aside from the constant emotional abuse. The youngest child didn't get in trouble because she tried her best to do whatever it was that would keep her out of the line of fire. So she'd taken to stress eating and hoarding food in her closet. DSS was called a few times while I was at the house and once SO even told them "fine take them." Since I as 18 that didn't mean me. Just the two younger ones. Hello fostercare... for the youngest she was fine. she stayed with her school friend that she'd always spend the weekend with anyway and the middle child was just shipped all over. behavioral issues and the like. Now SO was most definitely sick, mentally. Majorly depressed and always threatening to kill herself somehow. None of us ever thought she'd do it. Until she used the rope I made in Agriculture class my freshman year to hang herself. The few days I could manage to get to class turned into none. I missed weeks and weeks after the funeral. Luckily I'd met my current Fiance of 4 years now, the first week I was there. He helped me get through everything I thought was wrong with my life at the time. He gave me a home, a place to stay where I felt welcome. I got to the point that I stopped hurting myself. I felt okay. I was starting to remember how to be happy with life at home. But shit always hits the fan. After SO died her mother got custody of the kids. (SO and her mother had major issues with each other) She was in her early 70's at that time and trying to raise two kids. one was 16 and the other was 12. It was taxing on her with the middle child and how she is. Always acting out and refusing to listen to anyone. Getting in trouble at school and acting out at home being rude and all around unpleasant. So her health started to decline and she got stuck in a depression as well. Especially after the most recent car accident she'd had where she fell asleep at the wheel or something and hit another car head on. The crash killed the passenger of the other car and didn't hurt them too bad. No one had any broken bones or anything. But She'd started not taking her medicine for her blood pressure and arthritis and such and not eating enough. One day she'd fallen and hit her head. Cracked her skull and they said there was a lot of blood where she fell. Head wounds and all bleed a lot. I wasn't there for either of those deaths. But it still never fails to find me. I have been trying for years to figure out how to deal with all the repressed emotions and memories of my experience so that I can get better. And for these past few weeks it's been especially bad. I don't understand why but I've not felt this bad in so long. I hate the feeling of helplessness and frustration that comes with this. I'm just trying to function on a day to day basis but I feel like I'm failing miserably. I have no responsibilities right now. I don't pay rent, I don't have a job, I don't have to do chores. I literally do nothing and I feel like crap for that. But I still continue to do nothing. I do nothing to try and help myself and I don't know why.

[Hidden]

Hi I can relate alittle to you..I read your life story..Im like you when it comes to helping myself..I do very little if anything ..I also don't know why this is.. of course this is depressing.. and yep feel like crap but I also know I want to get out of it but just can't...you are not alone...sorry I'm not much help but I understand you...I pray everyday I wake up from this, and I hope you do to...best of luck..

[Windy101]

I am so sorry that you went through all that. No one deserves that kind of treatment. You were an innocent child and should have been loved, nurtured and protected.

Please, call your local crisis line and talk to someone. Maybe they can tell you about getting some help that's free or that you can afford. You could not do anything about how you had to live before, but you can do something now.

You are a precious being on this earth with a purpose, and that purpose is good. There is only one you and you are just as worthwhile as anyone else! You are worth taking good care of and having the best possible life. You can get through this and things can be so much better. But you must try.

I'm so glad you posted here. You're not alone. Many of us have had similar experiences and have felt the same way, and you have friends here.

[Sprinkle1]

I send you love, I am So sorry for the hellish life you had, you are strong and will come out on top. Reach out to caring giving people, if I lived near I would hug you every day. Sorry I cannot offer more. hope you feel warmth when you read this. Sending you and whole lot of love and an unlimited supply of hugs, peace and strength. Sprinkle 1