Hello, my name is Sarah and I am 17, I am new here, so uh, presentation, sorry it's long, i promise it's not that boring though... well i guess it's not ?
The beginning is mostly exposition, if you don't want to read it all which i understand, just start when i say i'm 14.
I'll summarise in the end...or i'll try to at least.
Warning : I explain in details how a traumatic event happened to me, and I talk about selm harming without details.
I don't know where to start, but I guess I have problems ?
I was born in a happy house, i was wanted, and my parents had jobs that kept us comfortable. But I was a needy baby, and I wouldn't sleep most nights until i was 2 or 3 years old. I learned to read all alone by myself to the great surprise of my family ( i keep wondering how the hell i did that).
My mom was writing a huge thesis at the time and my neediness kept her from sleeping well and she had a burn out and then she became bipolar (I did not understand that part very well when she and my father explained me years later and i'm not looking forward to them explaining again sorry) well, anyway, the sure thing is, she is bipolar now, and this is probably my fault. well I know it has many other cause I could not have possibly cause this alone, but... I may be a big part of it.
OK so uh, when i was five i got a little brother, well my mom got me a little brother because i wouldn't stop whining about how i felt lonely and i was bored. (she told me that like a year ago, i thought she wanted martin to have two children) so uh yeah, i got to name my bro, and happened to like the name Martin at the time.
(I'm so sorry i take so much time to get to the point i just want people not to get confused about things later when it gets complicated)
I loved my baby bro, like truly, literally, unconditionally, he was the bestest thing in the world like i kept saying when i was little. And when he was 3 or 4 i started to teach him random things like how to count because i wanted him to be the smartest boy ever, and he was very curious so he loved our 'lessons'.
And then when i was 9 my mom had a burn out. (not the first but i discovered that later and it doesn't matter) She went to a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosized with bipolarity and though she promised me she would only be gone one week.. She called me to tell me it would be two. And the next week... It was a month. Six month later I just had to wait 'one more year'. So the absence of my mom was a thing, but it would have been fine if my dad had taken the thing well.
He did not. He kept drinking and he wouldn't talk to us (me and martin) unless it was to yell that it was all our fault, especially mine one day, especially martin's the next. My dad became a father and nothing else very quickly. all he did was give us food and get us to and from school and yell. a lot. I had promised to my mom that i would keep the two boys safe but at the time i only cared about martin, all i saw was the tears in the 5 years old eyes when he kept asking me why mom was gone and if she was alright and i told him all i knew because i did not think lying to people you love avoids pain.
So uh, four years were spent like this, me raising my brother, our father useful for the food and the getting to school thing, and yelling all the time too. I got bullied at school during three years but it wasn't really bad, just emotional, insults, nicknames i'm too ashamed to share, not wanting to hand out with me... etc. Then my mother got out of hospital.
She wasn't the one i knew anymore and even today i still think the mom i had died a long time ago and what i have left is a shell barely functionning thanks to meds.
She moved away from our home and to a city an hour away from where i lived at the time. A month later she told me she did not love my father anymore, and i told her i understood. I then told martin and he reacted like me. We understood and we did not care. Every weekend we would get on a train to our mom's place and spend two days there in a lovely (though smaller) house her parents bought for her there.
When I'm 14 for those who want to get to the point :
A year later i was 14 and cutting and me and my bro could not stand our father anymore and decided to move to her mom's place. She had a boyfriend and for monthes it was fine but one day my brother, who has very bad anger management because i did not succeed at raising him and he got that from our father, had a tantrum. The boyfriend slapped him. I was not there i was listening to music in my room and the next thing i knew the boyfriend was thrown out of the house. right move right ? my mom's awesome x). but then she was a mess and called her best friend, crying. 'Best friend' who called social services saying our mom was not able to care for children (when she obviously did the rightest of moves here!) and the social services came to our houses and wanted to take me and martin away.
So we fought, for years we fought and sometimes me and martin were close to separation and if we were close before as you can imagine from our shared past, we grew even closer.
but two years later i was going to be 16 soon and... My mom had a new boyfriend and he was... okay i guess ? it just wasn't working right at the time between them and uh my mom's meds started not working right (or they gave new meds to her ? i don't remember it wasn't really my buisness you know, i was just watching out because you tend to do that when you have a eternal teen for a mom and a dad that's trash) so, her meds weren't working right and she started fainting from high emotions (if that's possible ?) and when she woke up she would not be the same anymore... she would be confused, sleepy at best, but most of the time she would turn... weird. violent, insane. she would grab a knife and threaten me. try to burn the house. we were alone with her at the time and i did not want social services to take us away so i made martin promise not to tell and i barricaded us in my room, and she would throw herself on the door while martin would cry and have a panic attack while holding on for a weapon and i would try to calm him down while holding the door but he didn't stand being touched or talked to, i didn't know what to do.
so that lasted for uh... i don't remember. a week ? a month ? not so long. one night my dad was here to visit and i was watching a tv show it was like 2am and my mom came to my room and asked me to tell her about my english class. so i did because she seemed normal so that was okay. I'm feeling very scared just to remember this my heart's beating really fast. so uh, all of a sudden she fainted, and for 45 min she did not move an inch, i just put her in the right and safe position you know, and watched over her, there was nothing else to do really, she was breathing and her pulse was steady. i made sure she did not have her head on the floor and went back to bed, waiting for her to move.
then she moved, she got on her hands and knees and slowly, very slowly, like she was tired, went to my brother's bedroom that was right next to mine. so i got up thinking it was the true love of a mother to want to kiss her child goodnight before going to bed, even in that condition. so i followed, talking to her, but she did not answer. i was confused. and then she got on her knees next to martin, who was sleeping of course, and... started choking him with his pillow, laughing the most horrific laugh i have ever heard.
I started fighting against her, i don't remember if i was thinking really fast or obsessed by one thought or felt too much at the same time but i was not in my normal state and then i just yelled very loud "MAMAN" (mom in french, i'm french by the way ?) and my dad heard and came running just when my mom stopped choking my brother who got up right away, out of breath and confused and terrified. i tried to hug him but he pushed me away.
after that my mom had pains in her hearts and difficulties breathing and she was insane and violent and terrifying and we had to force her to stay in place and she did not calm down so we had to call for the firemen and they took her away and one fireman asked me if i was alright and i went like "well of course i am" but i just felt nothing.
i could not sleep but my brother had since a month decided to sleep next to my bed and i just laid on the floor with his hand in mine to make sure he was still there.
then we were deep in shit with social services again and i cut even deeper and it was a mess and i thought i was going to die and it got infected but i managed it.
my mom got better when they changed her meds but she didn't have the right to take care of us anymore and the next summer after a fight my little cousin (a year younger than martin, 9 at the time) ran after my brother with a knife in his hand, screaming that he would kill him, and that was way too soon and me and martin turned....weird, some mix between sad and neutral and very, very angry, for the next days. (my cousin is a okay boy by the way, it was just one time and he was in tears after)
so uh here i am, 17, and quite a lot behind me, i uh, don't cut anymore after it got me to the hospital, but sometimes it's hard to resist, and i don't have therapy though i think i need it, so uh, these days my objective is to get help, and i feel like it's easier to express my emotions in english so i thought i would try this place.
So, uh, I think i've got depression, anxiety, and maybe PTSD too.. but i don't think it would be a serious one, i don't get that feeling like it's happening all over again, just some flashbacks at random times and sometimes when someone says something or i live something that reminds me of it. but i don't have difficulties to talk about it. My doctor gave me pills for the anxiety thing but i think she believes i'm stressed because of exams at the end of the year... So uh i might have failed at explaining the matter to her, sorry.
Anyway i'm not a doctor or a psychologist so i don't know i just think... with the past i have.. i should get help. Sorry about the novel.