My name is Simon. I am an ex-anxiety sufferer. I still get anxious of course, only I now control it, it doesn't control me; it was always that way I just didn't see it.
I remember getting my first panic attacks when I was around 10 or 11 years of age. I think it was around this time that I first had a realisation with regards to mortality, the idea that I was, at some point, going to die, filled me with dread.
I realise now that there were a lot of things that were going on for me and my family at the time that probably led me to consider death and illness around that time.
My mother was a care for Older people who had become senile and were approaching the end of their lives, she experienced many deaths but I remember her first experience and the story is one that has stuck with me.
Along with that my father was a diabetic. He would have fits all the time, especially at night, he wasn't very good at looking after himself, and my mother would call me in to help him off of the floor where he would be writhing and jerking as if possessed! I would have to haul his sweaty, naked body off of the floor and back onto the bed while my mother fetched a spoonful of sugar to level out his insulin. It was extremely strange seeing my father be something else other than how I knew him to be. I found it both terrifying and interesting.
So...I used to lock myself in the toilet, mid-panic, trying to come to terms with the concept that at some point I would no longer exist...the strangest of concepts to consider but one that I realise I benefitted from as well as suffering from.
I used to sit there in the toilet concentrating so hard in an effort to travel in time to my point of death and imagining what that might be like... then imagine avoiding it!
I thought that if I could imagine every possible death and imagine avoiding it that when it actually came I would recognise it and be able to do what I had done in my imagination and alter the outcome. A fun thought though not very practical. It became quite a list and I never wrote anything down so became confused as to what deaths I had already imagined for myself and so realised that perhaps this wasn't the best form of prevention.
I remember coming out of the toilet one night and telling my mother that I was panicked about dying, she looked at me and said "You don't have to worry about a thing, by the time you're my age scientists will have created a pill that will allow you to live forever!" Amazing. This was awesome I couldn't figure out any reason for her to be wrong! Great, I was going to live forever!
There were a few other things over the next few years that I let affect me for many years. One was having what I thought to be a close friend, attack me with iron bar, almost killing me, if it wasn't for my quick reactions I would most certainly have been severely maimed for life, dead or disfigured, he was aiming for my head.
This caused me to stay in for almost a year, suffering panic attacks once again, this time about going out, mixing with people and being in social situations.
Then my mother told me she had cancer. I began to close myself off from the people I loved, I also began to wear a mask of indifference towards life, pretending things didn't affect me. This made my anxiety worse as I became more apathetic.
My mother died in 2003 just before Christmas, after at least a 15 year fight against her cancer at the age of 52...
I promised her that I would do whatever it took to be happy...and that is part of my passion and mission in life, attempting to understand what it takes to make someone happy. It is why I am now a Coach, Hypnotherapist and Behavioural consultant. I conquered my anxiety and depression. I still feel these things but they're not bigger than me I'm bigger than them...to the point where the majority of time they hardly exist.
My mission is to create a coaching culture across society, a culture in which we understand, empathise, inspire and motivate individuals, empowering people to change their behaviour, take control of their lives, through understanding their passions and educating them based on those passions and interests, helping them to grow, thereby shaping a society that works for them rather than against them which how the majority of people feel.
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TruthSi72
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Hi Simon, I just read through your story. I have also had some disturbing events happen (parent wise) thought the years. I’ve experienced what I like to call gloomy days on and off, but never anxiety to the extent I have it now. I’m older (53). Im afraid if I can’t get it under control that I won’t be able to work.
Thanks for sharing your journey, and what has helped you. And thanks for being an advocate. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Thank you so much for your reply and kind words Lostjoy .
What I posted was only part of my story...jeez you would have been bored if I had written further regarding all the events that added to all the past and present foibles that I have gathered!
But what I have been through has helped me to understand my own way of thinking, fuelled my self-study as well as my interest in people in general, specifically in neuroscience, psychology and philosophy, and I put my mental survival down to this.
I now coach and work with people at all levels of society on health and wellbeing, specifically anxiety, stress and depression.
I'm so sorry to hear that you have also been affected by some more darker events in your life.
If you would ever like to discuss your anxiety then please DM me. You never know perhaps I could help find a solution.
Like your words, I to am suffering terrible stress and anxiety problems plus depression for years but the ?latest things are the stress and anxiety it's taking over my life I'm not living im existing don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
That's a great way to trasform sometHing negative in something good, unfortunately most of the people don't accept anxiety and depression they deny their situation instead of using it to reconsider their life and make things better for themselves..
Our society is focused on success,doesn't educate to introspection, ''failure'' is not accepted but I believe it comes a moment when we have to deal with our monsters and be very honest with ourselves..
I'm 23,s uffer from panic attaks,had family stuff going on through the years and now taking the time to understand what's the best for me 😊
Hi Simon, I have anxiety and depression really bad. My back and ribs hurt really bad from the tension and crying. I take 21/4mg of klonopin and 60mg of cymbalta and 30mg of buspar. My psychiatrist just decreased my klonopin to 21/4 mg. And he put me on pristiq and said he would take me off the cymbalta in three weeks. What is going to happen to the pain? I have a call in to a nurse practitioner in Philadelphia, pa but haven't heard yet. I don't want to be on medicine for the rest of my life. I always have fear and obsessive thoughts and I'm afraid of them too. The medicine doesn't allow me to have sexual relations with my husband. No one has been able to help me. About 5 weeks ago the crying became worse. Now I'm in a lot of pain..what can I do?
My husband is screaming at me because he says the medicine is making me sick. I've been like this for 5 years. I want to go to philly to see if she can help me. The doctor took my cymbalta down from 60 to 30 and I'll I was doing was crying. He won't take me to philly
Me either. What is the difference in anxiety and depression vs. clinically ill. I seem to recall someone telling me that if you are clinically ill you have it since birth or something. Im very interested in finding out.
So, there is a difference between clinically depressed and just depressed. There are degrees of depression, depression can become worse and depression can become better. When I say clinically ill I refer to those who have a chemical imbalance or a medical problem, such as thyroid issues etc and these individuals would absolutely benefit from medicinal treatment in the form of drugs... non-clinical depression is more related to situational depression, such as self-esteem issues, loss of a loved one etc. The problem becomes worse for the individual if they visit a doctor and take drugs for problems that could be solved with psychological guidance and coaching. This is of course only my opinion and you should do whatever feels right for you as an individual because you know your body and what is best for you.
Well said. Thank you! Can people have both? I had my blood checked and was low on Serotonin and they wanted me to take an all natural supplement. Although sometimes I am on a roll and doing well. Then bam something really bad happens and I’m back in the black hole wigging. I guess I am not sure what kind I have specifically. I have taken meds and I have used only coping skills. Both I think have helped individually at times. I am trying to wean off my medicine now so I can function better. I just am tired of feeling drugged. If my serotonin is very low could I prosper without the medication? I lowered the dose of my antidepressant last week and sure enough several bad things all at once. I’m overwhelmed but I don’t feel sadness as much. My best friend, my dog has gotten towards end stages. I’m scared to deal with that. I’m scared of the hurt. If it happens obviously I will be sad but that’s different to me than depressed. I’ve always just said anxiety. I’ve been told health anxiety, general anxiety, social anxiety etc. I just call it anxiety. I don’t focus on labeling I focus on coping. Only now I’m nervous that I will be one that can’t get off meds. It’s still worth a try right? I have been given new meds so much I think I’m literally on 5 or 6 now. If nothing else when I quit worst case I can start back on one knowing how easily it gets out of hand. Every time I go to the doctor it seems I get a new Med of some kind. Not all for anxiety or mental health. Apparently now I’m anemic. Not for the first time and need a prescription for Iron. I haven’t gone to get it yet. He called it in last Thursday. I did find out however that two of my meds can cause it. I also have had 2 meds for a while that don’t interact well together. Just found out but can’t quit cold turkey. I’m just sick of it all. I have meds to fix side effects of other meds and I just keep hoping...They really are not helping. I’m still anxious. Its a viscous never ending battle with meds and I don’t want to do it anymore.
Also you are selfless! Health care professions all get a good feeling when they help someone. Everyone does. You also that can’t help everyone. You take the good but you also take the bad. You take on others bad energy. Death. Reoccurrences. Etc. In order to help others. You would probably help others even if it didn’t help you. It takes a special breed of person to take that negativity. Many can’t do it. If you felt bad you would still help them. Putting them ahead of yourself. Everyone feels best when they are validated. When they help someone. Selfless. Feeling good doing it is a fact of life. Don’t cut yourself short. You’ve already helped me a lot! Unless I responded though you wouldn’t know that. You wouldn’t feel the good feelings. Yet you still do it. Selfless. I love that you are humble but you deserve to be proud.
Thank you for your kind words. Can you be both? I guess that you can, although it's probably just depression along the gradient of types of depression, don't you think?
Wow, they're really treating you like the proverbial lab rat aren't they?
I admire you for wanting to come off of your meds.
I'm sure you're already aware of this info but just in case...
I am a huge advocate of improving one's physical and mental health through diet and it always amazes me that many GP's are not trained in this area though I believe they should be. It is such an important aspect to consider when looking at your health.
Foods that contain serotonin are:
spinach, turnip greens, garlic, cauliflower, mustard greens, celery, tuna, halibut, salmon, cod and snapper, chicken, turkey and beef tenderloin.
Serotonin is actually more associated with the gut than with the mind...the gut is where vitamins B1 (thiamine), B2 (riboflavin) and B6 (pyridoxine) as well as vitamin D, folic acid and selenium plus calcium, and magnesium are needed to make serotonin.
So your ability to create serotonin in your body may be more down to the state of your gut than your mind.
Fermented foods such as Saurkraut help to promote and line your gut so that important vitamins and minerals are taken into the body properly.
Your stomach (intestines etc) and the mind are so closely linked.
I have cleansed my gut. Only eaten fruit, vegetables and nuts for several days. I will not have a good gut if it requires sauerkraut. Lol I do however love chicken and fish and just ate some cauliflower. I have an unhappy gut. My doctor said I had celiac disease so I could not eat gluten. Then after a long time found out I had a portal vein blood clot but not celiac. I love vegetables and my doctor is very organic/homeopathic as much as possible. I switched doctors because my last one was only a drug dealer. The new one let me know 2 of the meds had interactions. One exacerbates anemia which I am prone to having along with very low vitamin d3. Slowly but surely I will become an all natural guinea pig instead of a poster child for drugs are us! One step at a time! Thank you for your very helpful advice! I truly appreciate it. ❤️
One of my fears which sents me into panic is the thought of losing my mum or children. Its a worry that goes through my mind and can find no solution too. My mum is pragmatic and will say its is a part of life but the fear is real.
I understand. I think this must be a common worry for many people. It was and is for me, though if this worry turns into something that consumes you from time to time then maybe you need to ask the question as to why you worry about it so deeply. Perhaps it would help to reframe the worry. Perhaps when this thought enters your mind, reframe it as "how lucky I am to have such a wonderful mother and children, I must make sure I make the most of having them in my life". Sometimes worrying about losing someone or something get's in the way of us being able to appreciate the time we have with them.
Thank you for your reply. Its a recurring worry since childhood. My mum has had difficulty expressing love to me she didn't get it from her mum. I will try what you said
I understand. My family never told each other we loved each other. I don’t know why, we just never did. I only told my mum I loved her once and that was on her deathbed when she was riddled with drugs to help with the pain...I don’t even know if she heard me. She wrote a letter to each of us in the family...mine said “please look after your dad and sister, I know you will be fine and I know you’ll miss me and that you love me, I’m sorry I had to leave you so early...promise me you’ll be happy, mum.” That was the crux of it, I remember this letter slayed me. I regretted so much that I couldn’t tell my mum how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her.
It really doesn’t matter whether your mum finds it difficult to express her love, be different, don’t take on her fears and insecurities, you have the opportunity now that realise what needs to be done so please just do it, don’t let it affect you in the same way that it affected your mum...change that family history right now!
I now tell my fiancée everyday, several times a day, how much I love her and what she means to me, and when we do have children I shall make sure they know how much their father and mother love them.
I found that the fact my family weren’t really open about their emotions that this spilled over into other areas of my life and affect me still...I thought it was a positive trait many years ago, I know now that, like most things in life, there are positives and negatives to it.
Thank you for replying again. I understand what you mean by family history lack of emotion proberly gone done the generations. I see my wife hug and kiss here mum when she leaves our home its always been new to me. My mum was leaving 1 day and kissed my 3 year old son he then said and daddy for my mum to kiss me but she completly missed it and thought he wanted to kiss me. I cuddle my kids and tell them i love them daily i will always make sure of that.
TruthSi72, I'm glad you brought up the fact that even being an ex-anxiety sufferer, we still are prone to anxiety but to a different degree as well as now having control as to where it goes. I'm indifferent to it, it comes, I accept it for what it is and go on with my day. I wish I would have known how simple a concept it was to rid ourselves from anxiety.
When we first experience anxiety, the fear is so intense and frightening that it makes it's mark on our brain and continues to grow out of control. I think, like anything else in life, I had to go through this learning experience with anxiety. I had to grow emotionally in dealing with an invisible disorder. When I look back now, I'm angry at all it took from me at the time. I'm hoping with this forum that those of us in a better place now can support and understand what the new members are going through. And never become complacent and uncaring at hearing their struggle over and over again.
Like you, I lost my mother Dec 18, 2010 just before Christmas. It wasn't long after that I became Agoraphobic for 5 years. It was then that I started seriously taking action on my mental health and got to where I am now. I am keeping the promise to help others because like you, I feel there isn't enough out there in the field to make patients know that there is a way out and that they are not alone. What you are doing in your profession is highly commended. We need more people available like yourself in finding the solution in going forward and not just making a bunch of mummies walking around in a daze in order to cope with life. There are other options.
Thanks for your dedication to those of us who suffer with mental illness. I thank you and I'm glad you are on the forum.
Hi just read your letter, How did you become an EX anxiety sufferer? I've been going through anxiety for I think a couple of months? In barely eating lost like 30 lbs. I make myself eat because now found out I'm diabetic so need to eat to take medication. A meal might be an egg and a cup of V8 juice can't take more. I had to file bankruptcy worry that it might not go through instead want to believe it will be fine but can't do that ? I'm retired last year I saw no other options? I Pray everyday for relief . I don't want to make things worse...AKA my health. Would appreciate any words of Wisdom you might have. Thanks 😊
When I say "Ex Suffer" I mean someone who now has control over it, I still suffer anxiety, but it is what you would expect normal anxiety to be like, it is neither inappropriate nor is it controlling.
So I am quite few years out of what I would class as severe anxiety, not being able to function in certain places and waking almost nightly to attacks.
I believe that I could have got over my anxiety quicker had I had the tools and knowledge that I have now, however, I would not have learnt as much about myself and my mind had I not been through what I had.
I basically changed everything in my life. I stopped drinking tea and coffee, drinking sugary drinks, I gave up smoking...I began exercising, I had always exercised but took it more seriously, I cut out alcohol.
The biggest thing for me was my mindset. I made the decision that I would not be held captive by anxiety or depression ever again, no matter how long it would take I would battle against it and I would win. For me that was the turning point...making that decision is what changed my future and changed my thinking.
Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t happen overnight and it’s been a struggle at times, it was only 3 years ago that I suffered a small breakdown after the death of my father, which was a very strange time, but i have come through and it has all made me stronger and more determined person.
The one thing that I have learnt above all else is that the choice I made was the beginning of a journey that I now know will last a lifetime, and that it is a battle, a battle I welcome and relish, it is the ultimate fight, the fight against the barriers to life that lie within my own mind.
I am still an anxiety sufferer. I am still someone who can become depressed if I let my mind slip back to old ways of thinking but that’s not going to happen because I am in control of me, I know how to change the way my brain interprets emotional information so that it doesn’t become incongruent to who and what I want to become.
Sorry to hear you went through...maybe I missed it but how do you control it? I'm in the mist of an anxiety episode...through I've done something to fix the problem Not the anxiety.I can't shake the feeling that somethings going to still go wrong? So hard to be cheerful during the holiday. I get told go for a walk things like that...you and I know easier said than done? My boyfriend alway says "Nobody died". He has his anxiety so he makes mine worse sometimes? So I try no to speak to him how I feel. I've got an appointment Saturday with my psychiatrist . The medication he had given me, made me feel like I was jumping out of my skin. So I stopped taking it. So please tell me how do you control your Anxiety? Thanks
It is so great that you have turned something so terrible into something so wonderful. I think everyone feels better when they help others. Well most people. Your posts are so very inspirational. I look forward to them. I love helping others. I worked in intensive care and also the rescue squad for most of my adult life. Until I became disabled. Now that I found this site I love giving people reassurance or advice in hopes of helping them. I call myself the unintentional hypocrite. I truly believe everything I say and I know that there are changes I can make to improve my situation too I just can’t seem to get motivated enough to do it. I have basically given up. I’d like to think I’m just on sabbatical until I figure out what I want to do when I grow up but I’m already 46. That’s part of why I want to help others. I don’t want them to be like me. I of course have good days and bad I just try to celebrate the good and get through the bad. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been on you as a child. As a mom my heart just wants to hug you. On Christmas Day it will be the 20th year since losing my daddy. He was special so God chose a special day to take him. I’m envious of how well you have turned things around to your advantage so that you can help others! That is so selfless of you! You are for sure one of the special people that God puts on this earth! Thank you for your encouraging and inspirational posts. It means so much to people! God bless you!
Thank you for your kind words Hopeful-Tinkerbell . I can assure you that what I do is not entirely altruistic and selfless. I do it because It feeds my interests, which is to study people and therefore myself. Another part of it is that it makes me feel good to help people, If I can help someone to improve their life it improves mine. Really it is quite a selfish act. I have always been interested in psychology and why people do what they do, ever since my father tried to commit suicide when I was young, I didn't mention that earlier. The thing is I spent many years looking around me and seeing other people who take charge of their lives and I would speak to these people only to find out that they are no different to me, they have their own challenges and issues in life but they use them to empower rather than to be disempowered by them.
I still have things that I am working on in my life and this journey is not something that happens for a period of a week before I get better and then everything is ok...no life isn't as simple as that, this way of thinking is a choice and is a way of life, it will last for as long as I am alive in this earth, I do not want to lay on my deathbed with the thought that I let my own self-doubt and self-destructive thoughts get the better of me, to the point where I wasted this one beautiful life; but if I can face my demons head on and overcome them, regardless of my age or background then my life has not been wasted and I have fought the good fight, I have loved with all my heart and learnt what I can about this wonderful, strange existence and go to sleep knowing that I have become more than I was.
What a wonderful concept, I wish you well, I have found that it’s is a very lonely journey, but it can be turned around, and for me it’s baby steps, all the way. Tc
Simon, your story is inspiring. I've had 4 episodes of GAD on and off since 2009 after a terrible car wreck. I was recently triggered by a hurricane threat and unfortunately this episode is worse than ever. I am having a hard time convincing myself that I will ever recover. The physical symptoms are horrendous--burning skin (may be the meds) IBS, insomnia, agorophobia etc. The physical symptoms make it difficult to meditate or relax. I've even quit my part-time job. Any help in how to get started again on the road to recover would be most appreciated. Unfortunately I know there are no easy fixes. Best of luck to you!
But the question I first asked myself is...is it harder and worse to take the pain that would come from making the journey to taking back control of my life or is it harder and worse to let this thing beat me, to let it take me into the mire of depression and helplessness, of pain and anguish?
For me I knew that the journey, the fight, the struggle was worth it, whatever it takes, I will not be a victim to this...this story that has been created in my own mind!
I will not let my future be dictated by an irrational fear!
In saying all this...if I had known what I know now In terms of some techniques that I have learnt then it may have been easier to rid myself of it more quickly...maybe.
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My Life Story...
Story of my life
My story (partially) 
My story about family, coping with depression, and lack of support
My Anxiety/Harm OCD Story
