Slaying the Beast: Depression. It is time to stop the silence & have real discussions. You can’t slay a beast you refuse to see.

[regina7]

No one who has not lived it can begin to imagine the pain of living with a loved one suffering from depression. And to be told that you are the one mostly to blame. That you loved too much, that you protected too much. Perhaps you can see it somewhat in retrospect, but never before had you even entertained the idea that you could love and protect your child too much. Now you have to imagine that person dead on a daily, no hourly, basis. Your own child - the person who you love most in this world, who you dreamed of before they were even born. The person who gave your own life a beautiful purpose but perhaps you needed to let her have her own purpose. To have THAT person say they are in so much pain that they don’t want to live, that is worse than dying yourself. It is an agonizing, never ending, daily pain. A death to all of your hopes and dreams for that person. All of those hopes and dreams now feel absolutely ridiculous and petty. It leaves you gasping for breath and questioning your own existence as they continue their descent. You feel as though you have been set on fire and you start to pray every day that you will burn up soon. You also begin to feel no joy in anything. You try to comfort her, but you can’t even comfort yourself. You would drink yourself into oblivion, but your heart never gives up on saving her. If you ever see a small glimmer of hope, you are petrified that it is an indication that the end is near, that she has made some foolhardy decision, and that is why she is now happy. You imagine a casket, a coffin, a funeral. All you have ever wanted was to see her happiness again, but she has none. You offer yourself, your money, your time, but it can’t help her. You try to sell your soul to the devil, but he is not buying. You pray to God for hours on end as you walk through your days, and just in case a sacrifice is necessary, you offer your own eternal happiness, a limb, your life, anything to save her from the darkness she is shrouded in. One day as you drag yourself joylessly around, you hear something out of place. Could it really be? It has been almost a whole year, but you would recognize that sound anywhere. She laughs. You run away to hide and cry. Is this some cruel trick? A figment of your imagination? A fleeting anomaly? You dry your eyes and pretend you did not hear, because the hole in your heart is too big to be healed by one such moment. So you do your life as best you can, swimming through the grey. Then you hear it again. So you run to her. She looks a bit confused as well. You see her smile. You smile back. You both are like two babies, trying out a new word, struggling to get it right. You tell yourself not to get too excited, because you don’t want to scare the tiny slip of joy away with your exuberance. The next day you see another smile, a bowl of ice cream is consumed. The next day, a bath is run. The next day, combed hair. A few days later, you hear the radio. She looks confused as though she has just woke up from a bad dream. It has been such a long journey and the end is perhaps a novel idea to her, the thought that it can really pass. Then one day she smiles and says to you, “I’m happy. I honestly want to live.” You break down and weep because it is so unexpected. This is your new goal in life……happiness. Together you have slain a monster. Babysteps to be sure, but progress is made, and happiness is again found and joy is discovered. You allow yourself some joy, as you both deserve it. You wonder if either of you will ever be the same. You have been tested by fire. Will the monster ever visit again? Though this thought is terrifying, your love is bigger than any monster. You have made it through this time, next time she will be stronger. She made it through the worst of times and knows what to do. She will be ready. You will be ready. You will not be afraid to talk about it, and to ask for help. There is no shame in going to experts. There comes a moment when you know that it is a necessity.

You will hold her hand, from Earth, Heaven or even Hell, to fight this monster if it ever shows its miserable face again.

Please, if you are suffering from depression, know that it is like a marathon.......it may take awhile, but it will pass! You will have joy again. There is no guarantee that it will not revisit you, but it gets better because you get stronger. Just be sure to reach out to someone who can help you through!

[mysmugcat]

So interesting to hear your perspective. Quite heartbreaking at times. Made me think of my own parents even though I am older.

[Hidden]

You gave us hope. You are so eloquent and I'm so happy for her recovery, for fighting the monster with you on her side. I just wish that for my son..To trust me, to hold my hand because we both know what is like to have this mental illness, we just know by looking into each other's eyes, you see, he inherited depression from me...it's in our DNA. While I tried to battle it with shopping therapy and a few personal bankruptcies leading to loosing home and jobs, he used drugs to escape...I have witnessed unspeakable behaviors, months on end to take a shower, to comp his hair, to eat, to brush his teeth....I found him lying on the ground under 100 degrees weather, unconscious, in his own vomit, eaten by fire ants with scabies all over his body. He is a muscular 23 year old and I'm a petite woman in my early sixties...I could not drag him inside...I called the police and an ambulance...

[regina7 in reply to Hidden]

I hope that things are okay. I think of you often, hoping for better days for you both.

[Lostjoy]

Such an intriguing story. I also have a Son who suffers with this. I would give my life to make his better if I could. I believe he gets it from my genes as well. I thank God that he is able to function, and hold down a full time job.

[regina7]

My daughter is a young adult. I am sure that it never changes though, no matter how old your child gets. I had never really dealt with depression before, so I was blown away by the intensity of her pain. For a moment I was afraid that she would turn to alcohol to dull it, but that passed, thank goodness. I had no idea what depression really meant, and what it meant to the people around you. She had to come home from university, walking away from a full ride. She was lucky in that after a year, they allowed her to come back without losing it after we submitted all the correct forms and documentation. She has been gone about a month now, and seems to be happier. I hold my breath every day though. Please, if any of you need to talk to someone who understands what you are going through, talk to me. I had no one who really took it seriously that I could talk to except my Mom and I really wore her out as I leaned on her. I came here looking for success stories, but they seem impossible to find.

[Hidden]

HI Regina, I also have a daughter age 28 fighting depression. She as well blames me for always being so protective. I have stuck by her side for over a year and still she isn't able to shake this demon off. I pray long hours and I also ask God to take me and give her all the happiness she deserves in this world. She is going through hormone imbalance and is getting cystic acne, which she is getting help for that. Her depression is mostly the small acne scars left behind. I got her an appointment with a dermatologist and I'm praying that her scars can get fixed. Hopefully, she seeing her face without the scars her depression will leave and she is happy once again. I feel tired and useless sometimes because I want this demon gone. She tends to get very angry at me and blames me and God for all of her bad luck. I know is her depression making her think this way.

Please pray for me and my daughter, Michelle.

[regina7 in reply to Hidden]

I will certainly pray for you both. What you said is something I've just realized. ..my daughter had perfect skin until she went to college. Then her acne came on so fast it caught me off guard. By the time we started trying to figure out what to do her face was very bad. Birth control has helped and she's had to have peels to try to reduce the scars. And I was shocked to read an article recently from the British journal of medicine that they had completed a huge study that determined a person has a 63% increased risk of developing depression within a year of being diagnosed with acne!! Good luck to you and please keep me posted. It's been almost 2 years and my daughter is a new person in the last few months. Her face us much better and she seems to be more mature and confident. She still has days, but I swear I think her birth control helps too.

[Hidden in reply to regina7]

Thank you Regina! I will keep you post-it and I'm so happy for you daughter. My daughter is talking to a doctor from Sydney Australia who is a naturopath and he seems to be helping her. He has prescribed some natural supplements that seems to be helping her, fingers crossed, Since the birth control pills didn't help her. Now, it's working with her acne scars I hope she gets help and she comes back to that girl I once knew, happy and joyful.

Again, thank you some much!

[regina7 in reply to Hidden]

❤ Big hugs to you both Michelle.

[Hidden in reply to regina7]

Thank you so much!

[erin_c]

Life can be so heartbreaking and feel like a cruel trick...especially when watching one's child suffer with mental illness. God help us. In our family We talk openly about our mental health struggles and will keep searching/trying every possible tool to survive, even thrive. It's still so difficult at times.

[regina7 in reply to erin_c]

Every tool available, right?

[erin_c in reply to regina7]

Right! Trial and error, never give up

[Hidden in reply to erin_c]

Erin, I believe that God is our tool... and lets not give up! I will pray till the end of my time... because if that's what it takes.. I'm there!

[regina7]

I have not updated because honestly we have been hobbling along for awhile. She decided she was unhappy with her medication and insisted that it wasn’t improving her life at all. She continued to go to school but I spoke to her every evening as she told me of her crippling anxiety. At a loss, I found a psychologist. Did not see any changes after a month, and something had to change. Her psychiatrist told her he would change her medication. Zoloft left her worse off than ever, but I wonder now if it was the cessation of her long time celexa that was really the issue. On to lexapro. Nine weeks of lexapro and still no improvement. Now I’m not advising anyone to quit their medication, but that’s exactly what she did. There is nothing for me to say except I am blown away. The day she got up with no medication she said she felt like a human being for the first time in almost three years. She said her anxiety was nonexistent!!!! I am reeling from the change in her and in our lives. She says she believes she did indeed have a major disappointment that landed her in doctors office and medicated. She wishes they had first given her coping skills instead of immediately giving her drugs. She feels she was never depressed or anxious but suffering a normal life experience. She claims that she never felt decent on meds and that they made her worse. Now we are only a bit over a week into this transformation but all I see is the daughter I had lost. I think she suffered discontinuation while changing meds and does not seem to be now. I will keep you posted. She never could have done this if she had not tried to change medication because she always thought the discontinuation syndrome was her needing to be medicated. I am almost too thankful for words. I’m also terrified because it feels like a miracle indeed.