Rough night

[comb]

Just got back from a work party that was supposed to be fun, but I ended up feeling lonelier than ever. Had a hard time engaging with others, and anytime I did it felt like I was exerting all my energy just to focus. My boyfriend is worried about me, but I'm not sure how to communicate to him what I need right now. Just a steady person next to me? Willing to hear me out? I'm not sure. He said I haven't been the same since foot surgery 3 months ago. I agree, but I just can't seem to get past things right now. Or to put a finger on what I'm feeling. Just empty.

How do you communicate to loved ones about what's going on when you're going through a depressive episode?

[DragonTears]

Hi Comb,

It sounds like you are mentally and socially exhausted. Did you have these feelings before the surgery? Are you taking any medication post-surgery? All of that will affect your mental health. The way I got through to my boyfriend was to really understand his side of things. This way he feels validated and valued, but it will give you the basis for how to start educating him, step by step. Agree between you that your end goal is that you want to get back to "normal" and that your relationship is very important to both of you. Say it out loud like a contract almost. Once you both agree you can start by telling him about how you are feeling. Remember that he may be trying to apply logic (which can be very annoying and dismissive) make sure, in that case, to clearly say that this is about emotions and they are not always logical, he has to just accept that they are irrational and powerful, however illogical. Make sure he understands that it is not his job to "fix" you, that;s your job and responsibility. Tell him also how you need him to react to situations so that when you have a bad moment, he knows what he needs to do. For example - if I come home from work and i have been totally drained I will say "safe place" which is our code word for - no talking, no questions no decisions- just me burying my face in his chest and him holding me in silence. this is my instant battery re-charge moment. He will then know that I am exhausted and just need to be loved but not hassled. Obviously you need to take your job on and get better, which may mean going to the doctors, have therapy, maybe some medication to help you along. All hard things as well, but this is the compromise. You both have to show you are willing to work at this. You also have to have patience with him and give him time to adjust and be very vocal and clear in your communication. We tend to call it "using grown up words" This is again code for me to check my emotions and try to word my feelings in any given moment. As a last point, but oh so important, is for you to accept and respect that he is allowed days away from the depression. He will need a break form it once in a while. maybe it is him going out without you and you not texting him about how lonely you are (this is what I used to do as I felt so sorry for myself having been abandoned) or it can just be days where you do not mention anything about it and just do something really "normal" like go food shopping, walking, whatever. You have to work out what will work for you, but you have to give each other tools to use when the bad days hit. Lots of cuddles and encouragement both ways is important too. Good luck and let me know how it goes! Big hugs Xx