Having A Rough Moment...

[MountainLover22]

Sometimes I feel almost embarassed with how often I want to post about how down, alone or sad I feel. For the past few days, I was on an upward trend with feeling alright, a bit happier, a bit more content with how things were going in life. Like I get this thought like "Hell yes, I got this! I am feeling better, maybe I have figured out how to manage this isolated feeling. Maybe it's X, Y, Z" Then, those feelings started that inevitable downward slope, back to the place I was so sure I was out of. I felt it coming on, knew I should at least write it out there, express how I was feeling. Except...I almost felt embarassed that I was posting AGAIN about another "feeling sad" moment or "feeling alone" moment. I worried and still worry all my complaining, all my inability to truly verbalize how truly alone I feel, will turn people away, not bring people closer. I even feel this way with my husband, my family, my friends. I feel the more I express how sad I feel, or struggle to convey that I feel alone in a room full of people who love me and I love them, they'll begin to understand me even less. They will start thinking I am a complainer, or never grateful for the life I have, or can't figure out what I want or don't care to fix it. And that's how I feel all of you will think about me too, so I instantly feel even more alone. And that's not the case at all, not wanting to fix it. I just don't know how. Do I use distractions, which serve as a bandage only? Do I talk to my doctor about increasing my dosage of meds? Do I journal these thoughts for me privately? I have no idea what the right answer is, because I dont know if there is one....

[Grady80]

I used to ask, what do you do when you don’t know what to do? The only answer I could come up with is get some help. I can’t tell you how irrational I could and still can be. I still have a paranoia that people are judging me. I can tell you that it’s not uncommon to have thoughts that we don’t want. You’re brave enough to admit it, and you are sound really self aware, which is amazing. I would journal or only complain to people I felt understood. I had to get angry at myself and that made me determined to get better. I can’t say what will work for you but I can say that you are capable of finding it. I hope this makes sense.

[MountainLover22 in reply to Grady80]

This is absolutely so helpful and makes complete sense, thank you. I know I have to do something in order to better myself and not let these funks get me down; a healthy distraction really. I used to love journaling, but then I would look back at my entries and be so embarassed, almost downplay my true feelings I've had, like they didn't matter. Maybe I should try going into it with a more understanding attitude towards myself. Can't hurt, right?

[Grady80 in reply to MountainLover22]

Won’t hurt a bit, and quite frankly you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Those are just your thoughts. Whether we’d admit openly or not most of us have thoughts we don’t like. I get blinded by the chaos within, and I have to quiet it down so, I talk to myself. Which is probably weird but it works!

[MountainLover22 in reply to Grady80]

Not weird at all, I definitely talk to myself too. Probably more often than I care to admit.

[Hidden]

Let them out, all of them, vent, if you have to post 100 times a day about how you’re feeling do it, we all have been there and we understand 🌻💛

[MountainLover22 in reply to Hidden]

This honestly lifted my spirits just hearing this, thank you.

[florapeace]

I deleted all my social media because I was so embarrassed at how miserable I seemed too... but I realize now that I wasn’t totally wrong, I just was looking in the wrong places. So I came here you’re in the right place! ❤️

[MountainLover22 in reply to florapeace]

That is so true! Truly this place has helped me so much already and I haven't been a part of this community for that long either. I am honestly grateful for everyone here, yourself included!

[bluestars725]

I understand. I worry about this too sometimes that people will think I'm too much of a "downer". When I'm struggling like I am right now, my moods can be kind of erratic. But the fact is we are dealing with real illnesses that are not our choice. I'm dealing with a depressive episode and some lingering anxiety from my GAD right now, and I have been talking about it a lot with one of my friends. While everyone may not understand, there are people who do. I can't say what will work best for you, but posting here is a good thing if you feel like it's helpful. You are not alone. 💛

[MountainLover22 in reply to bluestars725]

Kind words like yours go a long way for me. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone, no matter how often I may feel that way. Anxiety can be a true monster that eats away at the very best of us, but I am glad there are people out there like yourself to remind me I am not in this alone.

[gnsbao13]

If you have to post many post a day to express how you are feeling then do it! I find that when I express how I feel it makes me feel slightly better. I also write my thoughts down in the notes on my phone. Please don’t feel bad for posting on here. There are many people on here who understand what you are going through and you should not be ashamed of it. We all struggle and sometimes we need the help of others. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk or just want to express how your are feeling

[MountainLover22 in reply to gnsbao13]

Thank you for your kindness, support and understanding. It feels good to have such wonderful people in my corner. I will make sure to reachout whenever it all gets to be too much. As well, you are welcomed to reach out any time if you need to talk or vent as well.

[Hidden]

I can really relate to this!

I’m afraid I’m not much of a real help though because I pretty much distract myself from depression with weed and manually laboring on things all day every day. My job and hobbies are all things that make me move or beat my hands on things.

Always searching for answers.

Always trying to improve and dissect my depression.

Honestly for me if you could pump weed into me all day everyday I would crush my depression.

Unfortunately it costs hundreds of dollars per month compared to the 6$ for my friggin cymbalta. Keep your head up you aren’t strange or alone💪✌️

[MountainLover22 in reply to Hidden]

As always, you are uplifting and kind. Thank you!

[Hidden in reply to MountainLover22]

You’re welcome thank you for the wonderful compliments I’ll take it!!

[Hidden]

I want you to know I will never feel that way about you. I often feel like maybe I'm too much of a downer sometimes, my moods swing up and down a lot. It's hard enough to be feeling really bad without someone scolding you that you're complaining too much or downplaying or minimizing the feelings you're having. So know that you won't get that from me. 💖

[MountainLover22 in reply to Hidden]

This made me feel so dang warm and welcomed. Thank you for making me feel as if I am not crazy and not alone. Sometimes, anxiety can eat away at our true thoughts and feelings, making one feel as if they are going crazy or burdening people with their fears, so it feels good to know you realize exactly how I feel. You are also welcome at any time to express all the moods, anxieties and fear you have. I am always here to listen and never judge.

[Hdrion]

Reading this feels like I could have written it! What resonated most was you mentioning embarrassment in looking back over journal entries. When I see old journal entries and make the mistake of looking at them (I often throw pages away now) I’m embarrassed seeing my complaints and the same low feelings I’ve not managed to overcome. That ‘inevitable slope’ that always comes back. I do have a lot of grateful journal entries but criticize myself for the ungrateful non positive ones. Reading someone else experience the same fears I have and feeling that you shouldn’t hide how you feel, you should express yourself, has made me realize I should be kinder to myself!

[MountainLover22 in reply to Hdrion]

This makes me feel much more human, knowing someone else understands exactly how I feel. I used to think (and to be honest, still do) I was crazy for hating my past self’s thoughts. And I honestly thought I was the only person who did that. It’s so comforting knowing you’ve been there too!