Miss Informed

[Jjoyelle]

I hate being alone. I hate feeling that I'm always left out. Even though I know people don't feel that way, I still feel a sense of abandonment.

[lhortiz]

I feel you. I don't do well by myself but I won't do the stupid stuff that I did, which caused me so much pain in the past. I have to get over the abandonment and learn to enjoy being alone. It's actually gotten better so good luck to you.

[DragonTears]

Hi Jjoyelle, I hear you on this one. This has always been the major part of my anxiety, the fear of abandonment. I used to obsess, and I really mean obsess, when others went away to do something without me. I would feel like they all secretly planned to specifically not include me because I am a horrible person, an annoyance, not fun, not like them, not normal....all of that and many many more things. It went so far as to when my other half would go to bed early (he goes out running before work some days) and he would not ask if i wanted to come too, i would literally stay up for hours and obsess about what that meant....did he not want me in bed? did he secretly pretend to be tired just to get away from me? did it not matter to him if I was there in bed or not? I felt invisible, abandoned, and totally paranoid. It became an impossible situation for us both as he felt i was being overly needy and placing all of my happiness and mental stability on him. And like he kept saying in the beginning "I can't win" and "I am not doing anything wrong here". I had to admit that we could not go on like that...By being so needy of and dependent on his devotion and full attention I was actually pushing him away, which of course was my worst nightmare. It was like a weird self-fulfilling prophecy type thing where I was actively creating the worst future version. But I would probably be able to be the victim once he left me, because I would be right, wouldn't I? I would be the abandoned and I would be proven right! See I wasn't just over reacting, you left me so I was right.....yeah well, it is a sad state and thankfully I decided to try and fix it instead, which worked. I had to realise that my happiness cannot depend on anyone but me. It cannot be dependent on anyone external to me because that would mean I have no control over it. It has to come from inside somehow. If my happiness depended on outside factors which i cannot control anyway, then I would be a balloon in the wind, at the mercy of the slightest gust of wind....I didn't want that. I wanted to control my happiness. So I started to examine myself and those feelings and trying to figure out a distraction plan. There were two facts about when he went on a business trip: He is going (fact) I don't want to have a panic attack and feel terrible for those 3 days (fact). So what can I do? I made myself a Care-basket (I had a surplus laundry basket hanging around) Into it I put stuff that I enjoy doing and eating (obviously some had to go in the fridge) - I bought some magazines (no touching until he is gone) I put some nice Italian bread-sticks, a colouring in book, new bath oils, a face mask, a new video game (Halo 4 had just come out). I downloaded an audio book and made a playlist I like. I also had an agreement on contact with him and what I expected and needed from him. He went through where he was going, showed me pics of the hotel, his agenda for meetings and times, so that I had as much information and visual imagery of what he would be doing. No guessing, just facts. For the first time I got through the 3 days feeling OK - it wasn't perfect, but it was MILES better than ever before. I didn't self harm, I didn't drink to oblivion, I didn't send horrible messages and i didn't have a panic attack. He felt he could focus on work, not worry about me all the time and not feel guilty for having to have to go on a works trip. 3 years later, I went to Israel last year for my own work for 2 weeks...and I was fine! it was just fine! So it can be done, you have to start small and practise...find your way and your de-fusers. I am here if you need support! Big hugs Xx