Hoovering between the light and dark

[outdoorwoman84]

The last 10 months have been hard. I've had depression since high school, so its nothing new. But whats new is the complete and total absence of giving a damn. I've given up on taking care of myself, except for just the bare minimum, and event that is just barely. I've given up on trying to even think about loosing weight, I've struggled with it for years. I can't even go an hour without obsessing on how big I've become and when I try to think about doing better, its so short lived that I can't even try to try. I've struggled with finding a decent paying job that will advance me somewhere in life for the past 7 years. I've had to settle for whatever I can find because the job market is shit, I've had to settle to barely just get by. I can't focus on things like I used to. I can't remember things like I used to. I used to be detail oriented, now I'm scatterbrained and always feel like I can't keep my shit together. There are times where Im stuck in the middle, and I know its all I am gonna get, and how Im gonna stay. But the hope for getting to the bright/light, slowly gets further away each day. I stuck in the endless expanse of nothing, on robot mode to get through this endless work day or being a work minion, having no purpose or no direction. I get home and I can't even think or being to do housework, or try to imagine food planning or meal prep. Its too much to try to even think or even do anything. I don't even want to try to make myself look good, whats the point? I hate taking a shower, I hate brushing my teeth, everything just seems so pointless all the time. Why do I keep the house clean when the fiance doesn't like to do chores or help out much? I force myself to do things because they are things in order to keep doing the few things that do make me happy or take me away from reality for awhile, but there are days when its hard to even do that. I've accepted that I can't do anything for myself. Its too much to try anymore to keep getting disappointed. Its too much to try to do anything most times. I'm ALWAYS tired. I never have energy to do much more than what is absolutely necessary. I've been to a couple of counselors before. Its just been them affirming what I tell them, nothing more, I guess I don't know what I need or want out of the sessions, but I don't want to be so up and down ALL the time. I don't want to have times or triggers that send me deep into the dark. I don't want to feel so lost and hopeless... Hopeless, that is all i feel and all I can acknowledge. Happiness is short lived, because it can't be trusted. There are times when I'm at work and I hate/loathe everything, and I want to just literally run away from everything and myself. Then Im at home and all I can do is play video games/mindlessly flip through channels/internet feeling nothing but a need to not think. I want to give a shit again, but most times I question, why? for what? just to keep struggling and not get anywhere? How can I keep trying and not keep getting nowhere... I give in to the defeat and just accept this is how its going to be. I've tried to do things to get better, and didn't last, I've tried things for years, and didn't get much accomplished, so I can't keep trying. Now Im just... an automated person, accepting that I can't get better at this time, I can't give a damn about myself because Im not the best I can be. I know I need something, but I don't know what it is. To see an actual psychologist in my area is a 6-9 month wait... that next year...

I'm getting married next year, Its the best thing that will happen to me, but I'm so much in the dark that its hard to get excited about it. I'm just on autopilot mode until something happens (whether good or bad) and its either a high or a low, then Im back to just being.. meh. Maybe I do need meds. I see a different "counselor" tomorrow after work... maybe this one will be different? But I also have no hope for much... after years of being like this, how is it possible to have hope?

[mapofgaia]

Believe me I understand how you feel. I was there exactly from the first of last year up to October. I went to a doctor a psychiatrist who can prescribe drugs. They help some. I take showers now and get out of bed. I force myself to meditate and do yoga. But any exercise you like helps. Sometimes we need meds. I've had a life of many misfortunes. Just go one day at a time and try a doctor who can write you prescriptions. If yoy cant iwasquoteget an appt. For 2 months. ...go in two months. That's all the advice I have for now. I was quite reluctant to go but panic attacks are scary.

[Ja0120]

I know how you feel and the struggle. I'm no Dr, but I can recommend one, and tell you what medicine has helped me. Hang in there.....