Existence

I want to kill myself, I think in my head. I am worthless, useless, a failure who makes repeated mistakes. If I did something really right it would be a miracle. I should not exist.

Then I think about the president of the United States. A hateful, selfish, bigoted, racist man, who takes advantage of others on a daily basis and only cares about money and power.

I feel badly when I kill a spider. I apologize and wish I was a better person. I cry when I don't take my dogs to the dog park because I feel like a horrible human being. I love to watch the honey bees flitting amongst my sunflowers in my pesticide free garden. My heart is heavy with the hate across our world. The souls who have been murdered, tortured, abused weigh heavily on me. How can humans be so cruel? You may have my last bread crumb if you need it, the shirt off my back, the shoes from my feet. I would give you my health if I could. My life if it were possible.

But I can't and I am nothing. A worthless lazy burden who should not exist. But to be brave enough to kill myself means to hurt my youngest child, and that is not fair to him.

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  • I'm so sorry you feel this way. I understand how it feels to worry about the whole world. I often think about how ugly the world is and how people are ruining the planet. Then I feel bad for contributing and for not being able to do anything about it. I love nature and sometimes I desperately wish I had the life of another animal instead of a human. Although these thoughts weigh down heavily upon us we have to fight to remember the good in the world. There is bad, yes, but there is also good. Media tries to make us focus on the bad but I promise there is just as much good in the world, we just have to look for it. Remember that without bad there would be no good; the two must coexist.

    And as for your self-depreciating thoughts, I understand those as well. Many of us here do. Try to remind yourself of things you are good at. You have a garden? Maybe you can devote more time to your plants. I love to bury myself in plant books (I don't have the means for gardening). And you have a child? Your child and your plants need you to live and thrive. You are not worthless, for you are everything to them. You are a caregiver and a provider and you should be proud of that. I truly hope I've helped to brighten your spirits. Please keep us updated on you're doing.

  • From what you have said I think you could be suffering from depression. This causes you to think negative thoughts and that you are a bad person and everything is hopeless. The feelings are very real but the thoughts aren't. We have all been or are there so totally understand.

    If you haven't already get yourself to the doctors and get help please. Meds and/or counselling should be able to help.

    Unfortunately the ordinary person can't do anything about the awful cruelty in the world but what you can do is make your corner of it as nice as possible. You have already produced a beautiful child so you certainly can't be a failure. There is help out there so please access it asap.

  • Wait a minute- you are a caring person who is down because of the state of the country and the world. YOU are not a failure. Sounds like you contribute a lot.

  • BTW- I second you like many others do about the president- a "man" who made fun of people with disabilities during his campaign. You sound like a wonderful person who is concerned about more than herself. I myself am a vegan and an animal lover. Do you do any volunteering?

  • Message me any time also. The president and his minions are a symbol of corruption and greed couched behind "religion." Try joining groups of like minded people, like an animal rights or environmental/educational group. Also, I hope you contact a doctor and get to the bottom of these feelings. You might also want to read a book called Tribe which talks about the issues you refer to- it's intense and talks about the detribalization of our country which in turn leads to corruption and authoritarianism. However, take care of YOU- that what is first.

  • Live for your child and your child's love. Reaching out to this community is a wonderful thing. Message me any time.

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