Suffering from affects of child abuse new to this.....

I am 60 years old and suffering from lifetime affects of child abuse and total fear of people and especially authority figures. I've just gotten the strength to reach out to a therapist for this first time this past week. I am at an all time low and trying to make sure I work on crawling up from here. I am not on the computer all the time so may not answer regularly.

I work on the pc all day in a very crappy job that adds to my problems and very often do not want to look at the computer when I get home from working mandatory OT.

Any kind words from others with similar life experiences would be greatly appreciated.

[Sclarkstone]

Good on you for reaching out, it's a massive step to take and things will get better from here.

Holding on to the dark stuff for so long can be really hard work, like you've been dragging around a suitcase all the time. By talking about it opening up, you'll be able to let go so that all the dark stuff will fit in a little backpack which makes everything much easier.

[Hidden in reply to Sclarkstone]

Thank you very much for your wise perspective. I will try to keep your words in the forefront of my brain. I have problems even writing about my life that is how crushed down I am. I like your symbolism of having the "baggage" shrink down to a little backpack.

Thanks again for your kind encouragement. On one hand I feel there is not enough kindness in this world and on the other hand maybe I've finally started to come out from under my rock and look in the right spots for the right people..

[Hidden in reply to Sclarkstone]

I am new to this and accidently put my reply to you below.

thx again

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

or above!

such a newbie

[Meeasy]

There is a recovery program for adult children of alcoholics however anyone that grew up in disfunctional or abusive families are welcomed and qualify for the program. Google adult children of alcoholics and read The problem, the solution, andthe laundry list.

After reading your post I think you will resonate with some of the subject matter. I attend both face to face and telephone meetings and find it to be very therapeutic. Good luck 👍

[Hidden in reply to Meeasy]

I never new about that program. I will check out their website for a location here

Thank you very much for your help.

[Hidden]

I was abused sexually by my brother from the age of 8. My mother had sex right next to me for years with Men I didn't know & my father slept in the bed naked with me & threw orgies often. I developed Identity Disorder to get thru it all. I finally married at 26 but got Cancer & my husband never came to the hospital! Fought cancer twice... I now have 1 lung, no husband : (

I trust no one. I socialize with no one. I dont date. Have no children... Yet I push thru to be positive! I believe I will find happiness. I believe I will learn to trust again because I started by trusting in myself & the people on this site. But Anxiety still keeps me from leaving home, meeting new people, ect.

Please trust that you will get thru this as a stronger human being than you have ever imagined yourself to be! I am here for you. We are here for you <3

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You are a very brave person and you are becoming an inspiration and my hero.

I am crying as I write this after reading your story. I am inspired by your courage and strength. Thank you for being here for me.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you love! I wasn't always brave. I was hateful, vengeful, angry, violent and dishonest. I hated everything & everyone. Even tried to end my life 3 times. When God saved me after the last attempt... I knew I had to change. I was here for a reason & it was my duty to find it! It's been 12 yrs of study & behavior modifications but I finally Love Who I Am! Still have anxiety issues though

[Hidden]

It's good that you've made the effort for professional help. These are serious issues and impact all areas of your life, so you need help in trusting people due to your experiences. It's possible to gain this for yourself little by little. Remember that you're never alone. There are others who think their jobs are crappy too, just don't let others there know how you feel.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for being here and helping a stranger.

[deborah27]

hello, I too am living with the memories of child sexual abuse. I know that I have always had an overwhelming sense of the need for justice in all aspects of life, not just for myself but for others. I have had this from early years, I would always stand up for others, need to reach out to protect the bullied child in the playground, show kindness to strangers and always have comforting words for those in emotional and physical pain. the strange contrast to this has been my inability to care for and comfort myself. I have neglected myself all my life and have never put my needs before those of others. this has had a real impact on my own personal life. my tolerance levels are extremely high and it is only recently that I have been able to even remotely be good to me. reaching out for support is a part of self care and that is why it is so massive in our lives. it is saying that we are worthy of empathy and validation. abuse secretes fear and I know only to well how fear is absorbed and we become saturated in a deluge of anxiety and mental chaos. I am learning how to care for me, slowly but surely. continue to embrace support as it will show you how to care for you and demonstrate the real you in all that you are and can be. please consider yourself to be a survivor, I am so glad that you did. you have much to offer and such a wealth of insight and knowledge as a result, someone may hear your words and believe that they too can become whole again and indeed survive. xx

[Hidden in reply to deborah27]

Thanks for being here!

[Hidden in reply to deborah27]

Oh my god it is a amazing to read of others who totally understand my problems. I too neglect myself to the point of disaster and flounder when I try to fix all the problems my issues have created. I too will help others before I help myself, I have allowed myself to be abused without a peep out of my mouth,I just freeze up. But I will stick up for others and offer them help I've never been offered myself. I have been told that I have fixer tendencies and am too nice.

This community is a revelation to my after a lifetime of crawling.

Thank you!

[FixingThePineapple]

Reaching out to others who share similar experiences can help so much. I understand the fear of people. I was neglected as a child. My mother was depressed, anti-social, and didn't want me. She slept too much and ignored me often so I spent a lot of time alone at a young age. I've had anxiety about talking to others for as long as I can remember and it started from being scared to talk to her. I remember having panic attacks about my health because she would refuse to take me to the hospital. I never thought to tell anyone as I got older because it was so normal to me but I recently told someone my whole story and they told me how strong I was, although I didn't feel strong all those years. So now I want to tell you how strong you are and have been, even if you don't feel that way. You are 60 years old so you've been handling this for such a long time. I know it's been hard, but you've gotten through it so far and that shows how tough and resilient you are! You have this group and a therapist now so I'm sure you'll be getting better in no time. I have confidence in you!

[Hidden in reply to FixingThePineapple]

It is true we don't feel strong inside our hells. Having this group and therapist is a new experience and I am going to try to stick with it.

I appreciate reading words of confidence from others who have experience similar lives and know the reality of what we have dealt with in life.

Thank you very much for your sharing and kind words.

[Locked55]

Hello. I haven't been on this site too long. I've only replied to a couple of posts. BUT YOUR POST STOOD OUT AT ME becuz I'm 55 & I've been going to therapy for years. Your "suffering years of fear from child abuse & fear of people" made me punch myself 2 make sure I wasn't dreaming. Cuz that's my story. I keep thinking in NEVER going 2 get better. I feel I'm too old 2 keep getting worse.

[Hidden in reply to Locked55]

I know exactly how you feel. Is it worth the effort and I can really make a difference at this point in my life. I don't know if I will improve or ever get better, but I can't stand being this way anymore and I want to at least try to improve what time I have left. I got absolutely everything to gain and nothing to lose. Might work might not.........we may never "get better" but maybe we can improve a little which for you and I would probably be a lot.

I would take any improvement at this point so I am starting slowly.....we will see what happens. Made it to the 2nd therapists appointment today; just following up is a big step for me. want to run and hid under a rock, but I went and it went slowly but well.

baby steps

take care