My Life is a Mess.

[penrd]

Where do I start?

I have abandonment issues from my father being in and out of my life when I was younger.

I've suffered with depression since middle school, and use to self harm and even tried to kill my self a couple times. My mother was verbally abusive, I was bullied and picked on in school, and my father made "jokes" that seriously effected my self esteem.

Once I got to high school I got better, but only to a point, it would still come up every now and then but I dealt with it a lot better and had friends to talk to.

In 2015 I got in a car accident and that was when I started to noice my anxiety...

Then in 2016 I had a weed gummy with two of my guy friends and hallucinated a rape.... to this day I don't know if it was a hallucination or not...

Fast forward to present time, I was dating my best friend from high school. He pulled me out of the toxic house hold I was living in with my mother, and saved me. He moved me in with him, which was 1,009 miles from home, from all my friends and family... well during our entire relationship he asked me, begged me, and pleaded with me to get help with my depression and anxiety... I put it off, I procrastinated, I made up excuses after excuses, then promised once I moved I'd get my life together... well I don't have medical insurance and I don't have money for a therapist, so I tried self help books... but it didn't help... needles to say he broke up with me on 6/17/17. We had been dating since 4/4/16 also he's USAF.

It had become too much for him, he couldn't handle me, and it got to the point that he was coming home miserable and walking around eggshells...

see my problem is...

I yell a lot (use to it from my home life), I don't control my attitude, I assume and overthink, I'm negative, I jump to conclusions, I go ballistic and psycho and start petty stupid argument over stupid silly things... I have abandonment issues, I have an anger problem, I have anxiety and depression and I need to get help.

I am 1,009 miles away from home and my friends and family.

I am currently living in the same apartment with my ex-boyfriend, in the same room and in the same bed... see we were best friends first, so we're still best friends, he just wasn't happy anymore and the relationship became toxic and unhealthy...

So my goal is to get help for myself. To get better, for myself, to prove to him I can do this, I can change for the better, I can do bad on my own. And that I'm still the independent carefree strong women he fell in love with, and hopefully I can get him back... and if not, if he says no... then at least I gave it my all, at least I tried.

I also need to learn not to lose myself in a relationship.

So I could use all the advice and help a girl could get, please !

[EdanaBrietta]

You say you don't have medical insurance. Are you employed? Many work places offer up to 6 confidential counseling sessions when employees feel the need. Additionally, you should try checking the public services in your area. Many places have reduced or free counseling services and support groups.

Let me know if I can help in any way. I'm only a PM away.

[Mfgha6843]

I can relate you to about anxiety and childhood issues causing problems in relationships. My anxiety has started to really mess with my marriage and I am currently in counseling to try and make things better. It's been a hard road and feeling that distance from someone you love is so difficult but it can get better. Just know it won't be an overnight change, it's a journey and sometimes you just go day to day. I am finally learning to take control of my emotions and not depend on someone else and it does feel better. The thing about anxiety is that things that can feel so awful when there are really a lot of good things happening too. My fear of my husband leaving me and being alone has been crippling at times but I've started to learn to motivate myself by knowing I'm going to get better, and once I'm better our relationship can get better. Sorry for the novel! I hope you can find some resources to help you. If you ever need to talk I'm here.

[Meeasy]

These are some of the tools I use. These are suggestions that work for me. Your results may vary but there are no negative side effects Only positive side effects

- excercise releases your brains natural anti anxiety/ depessant chemicals. Rigorous enough to get to heavy breathing and blood flow. It can be as simple as jogging in place or climbing stairs

- diet changes. Caffeine and sugar are fuel for anxiety. Processed foods, greasy foods, fried foods and artificial sweeteners work against you. A clean diet can do wonders .

- avoid alcohol, it's a depressant.

- meditation , I use podcasts and YouTube videos to find guided meditations, self hypnosis and inspirational self affirmation. Use the search bar. Get a podcast app

- stay connected, don't isolate. Find forums like this one, Meetup groups, recovery programs, church, etc to express your feeling and get feedback

-Volunteer or support or encourage others is a good practice. doing things for others gets you out of ruminating about yourself. "Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less"

- attitude of gratitude. As hard as it is, it could always be worse. I make gratitude list to remind myself of my blessings.

- write it down. Keep a journal, dig deep. Write letters to yourself, to god, your resentments, your fears, your inner child etc. be your own therapist. It's cheap

- professional therapy or counceling. Although it's cost prohibitive, sometimes it takes a professional to dig up the right questions.

-Avoid news, politics, and all forms of advertisements. They all use fear to control your emotions and generate a reaction.

-Avoid social media. Don't fall into the trap of comparing your insides with other people's outsides.

-Try natural supplements like Q96 brain supplements or others. Google it. I have not gotten dramatic results but I know people who have

These tips have no negative side effects. They are worth a try before resorting to drastic measures.

Good luck ✌️

Ps watch this video when you need inspiration

youtu.be/xKJxxq74c-8(Not working as expected?)

[EdanaBrietta in reply to Meeasy]

Meeasy,

Thank you for this list. So many of these things are what I do as well. They really help.