June 2009, a few months before getting married, I've met two new friends, Nervousness and anxiety.
Since that day, nervousness and anxiety have been my all too often companions for almost 8 years now. I never really knew how to explain to anyone how or what I was feeling. There never seemed to be the right words and no sentence I would put together made sense or adequately explained what anxiety was and how it affected me.
~The constant crippling feeling that every person in my life that matters is against me.
~The worry that something terrible is going to happen and it would be my fault.
~My mind going into overload because of something someone said to me and I overthink what they meant by it.
~Declining any invites to going out, even if I want to because of the fear of going out or doing something will make others not like you.
~Constantly replaying a traumatic memory over and over again until I want to scream.
~Frightened of doing usual activity, such as driving or crossing the road.
~The fear of losing someone I love and being over protective because of it.
I can now feel how my being caught up in nervousness and anxiety affects people around me. It makes people feel uncomfortable, I have difficulty saying exactly what I want to say, and what I say can sometimes be confusing because I hold back on what needs to be said.
It’s hard for people to understand anxiety and how it makes you feel if you haven’t felt it firsthand. It is not a choice and it’s not something I want to suffer from. If I could make it go away I would, but I can’t.
Therefore it can be really tough for the people around me. For me, anxiety effects absolutely everything I do. Every action, every thought. Anxiety changed me.
How do I forgive myself?
Am I too harsh on myself?
I constantly let myself down. I wish I didn't exist.
How do I speak up for myself?
my therapist told me to stop being so hard on myself
