Scared of myself

[Waldvc]

This last week has been very trying of my will and patience. I'm having panic attacks for no apparent reason. I really just want to let go because my quality of life just isn't there. My whole life I've struggled and I don't want to struggle any more. I don't want to live a life where the only way I can feel better is by burning or cutting myself. No one talks about how physically painful anxiety and depression can be. Maybe at one point it was just all in my head(the misery) but now I wake up in pain with headaches and nausea with no end in sight. Between the physical and emotional toll this has taken on me I sincerely doubt if there's even anything left of me to save. I know someone will tell me to go check myself in and I think about it all the time but why? What's the point? I'm unemployed I can't afford how expensive a few day stay in a psychiatric facility. So I'd go and even if they did help me I'd have to file bankruptcy as soon as I left there which would throw me back into a deep depression. I'm a straight up loser. I'm going nowhere with my life so why the hell do I have to keep waking up? I just want the world to finally shut the door on me and leave me by myself because it's truly what I deserve

[Hidden]

It's not what you deserve. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I understand the feeling of just not wanting to wake up to face another day. I have been feeling that way too lately, but I am trying to find solutions. Bankruptcy is not that bad. I filed 20 or so years ago. It freed me of my financial debt and I was finally able to sleep. maybe you need a new start.

[Waldvc in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. The lack of support has me feeling especially morose so your response means a lot. I couldnt agree more that possibly this is my time to get a new start on my path of dealing with mental illness. It's a hard pill for me to swallow so to speak just because I've been unsuccessful in maintaining employment especially as of lately due to my anxiety so not having any money has really kept me from going to the doctor. I'm trying to jump that hurdle though because I do think it's a realistic expectation that if I did get better I would be able to hold down a job and make money and be able to at least face my debt with confidence instead of utter despair. Sometimes you get so depressed you get trapped inside your own thoughts and it's very difficult to look beyond the pain so really thank you again for commenting. You're right. Bankruptcy isn't the end of the world and a lot of have people have had to make that decision and they're still here living their lives