I've had continuing issues with anxiety/depression since I was 13years old. I had my first panic attack/meltdown at 11years old. I started getting on different medications that are supposed to help my issues at 18years old. They don't help at all like one would expect and I'm still on trial and error with meds. Different doctors too. I'm almost 22 now, still struggling with the same annoying issues. My anxiety causes the depression.
I have general anxiety, but I've noticed it's the worst in social situations. I'm also a lesbian which makes things great *sarcasm.* I'm biracial, which I've recently noticed has contributed to some of my anxiety. I've never had a group I fit into. Other mixed people I run into seem to cling to one identity and know who they are and where they belong/where they stand in life. I'm still trying to figure that out which makes me stick out in groups...even where I may supposedly be inclined to fit in. It's a lonely feeling being in a room full of people who like you but you don't feel connected to them, or literally can't because of your issues. A lot of times people have stopped liking me because I'm too awkward or just distant. I'm hungry for friends, and love, but I feel I have to be stable with myself before taking on other people.
I have a job, which is stressful because it's in customer service and I'm not that big of a people person. *sighs* The anxiety plays a big part in that. I would prefer a job where I work alone and never really have to deal with anyone. The horrible part about that though is that I do crave to be social....and it's pretty much required that one goes to school now in order to get a good paying job whether it's sociable or not. School's a pretty sociable place. But, I really would like to branch out of this vicious anxiety cycle because I know I could be doing way better things with my life and contribute more to the world than just, "great customer service." Not to knock down anyone who would feel accomplishment in doing that! I just feel like I want to become part of something with greater purpose and meaning behind it. Networking with people is a big part of doing that, or starting something like that up.
Knowing these annoying things about myself, then running into situations where I'm worried I won't be normal, and then sometimes when I do get into situations and I'm not normal (normal meaning just acting genuinely comfortable with myself being around people, especially new people, but everyone's included) makes me depressed and feel down, like I will never change or get better. Anyone who can relate, or can give good advice on how to manage this situation is welcome to leave commentary. Feel free to ask for more information about my predicament if it helps you better gauge what advice to give, or how to better relate.