That stupid boy won me over in the best way, and broke me in the worst way - slowly, day by day, month by month ... and I called it love because I was silly and young and naive. As of late I've been having, well, nightmares about him, even though I actually got over him. In the nightmares he's a good guy. Isn't that funny that that's what the nightmares consist of? Him being a good guy. I wake up, blinking and confused, and then I remember - he isn't a good guy, which is why they're nightmares. Because going back to him is the most terrifying idea ever.
And I'm proud of me. Because you have to cut out what makes you less than yourself, you have to stop believing he's good for you. I told one of my best friends about the dreams, and she said I was "in denial" about my feelings for him, to which I flipped out at her slightly haha. Because the thing is, I'm totally not. I understand what he did to me, I see it now, and I'm never, ever going back to that. I'd rather be dead than let someone have that much of my soul again. Plus, I have gotten to the point where I consider him repulsive, stupid, annoying, etc.
(the rest of my best friends hate him and are proud of me, but this one lives right by his house and occasionally defends him and occasionally also ships us, to which I throw something light and stupid at her, like a box of kleenex or a pillow.)
Anyways. It's so totally over and I don't really believe in love anymore, but I think it's for the best, because I'm not ready to give my heart to anyone for a century. 
Wish my late partner hadn't done so much for me. 
Thinking about death so much i can’t live
So much pain. What did I do to deserve this. I'm treading water and sinking.
It feels so much like the end.
