Faking It Enough So No-one Realizes

[Dpeterson]

I've become REALLY frustrated with myself. I KNOW what I need to be doing but I have this overarching "Fu#$ it" attitude. Not the belligerent form but the "Oh why bother" kind. I had an epiphany this evening: I'm faking living just enough so that no-one realizes I've given up. I've checked out.

I'm barely taking care of myself or my family and home. This seems more than just depression.

I have no clue what to do to "check back in." I'm taking my meds, I have a med review appt scheduled in May (first available.) I see a psychologist on a regular schedule. Exercise and getting outside are some of the things that prompt the "F it" response.

[Sclarkstone]

Putting on that 'everything is ok' mask is really hard work, it's exhausting. How your feeling is understandable. How is your sleep?

I find that when my sleep is not good it becomes even more of an effort which doesn't seem worth it, yet we somehow carry on.

[Dpeterson in reply to Sclarkstone]

My sleep is horrible. I lay in bed for hours and finally fall asleep in the 2 to 3 am timeframe. Then I sleep til noon or later and wake up feeling useless.

[Sclarkstone in reply to Dpeterson]

Sleep is a good place to start. When I'm falling into the dark pit it's the first thing I try and sort out. Your doctor can prescribe you short term sleeping tablets. There's a few rules to follow, no screens an hour before bed, no caffeine after midday, lavender tea. If you can get just a couple of decent nights sleep I guarantee things will be more manageable.

[Dpeterson in reply to Sclarkstone]

Good suggestions. I've heard about the no caffeine and screens but not lavender tea.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I have also tried lavender herb in pillows, and it has worked.

[Dpeterson]

It's good to be reminded to be gentle on myself. Thank you. I am an over achiever and perfectionist. Both contribute to my depression because I never am able to achieve what I think I should be or do it well. Sometimes I wish I could be more relaxed about things.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I tend to get to be just the opposite. You are too hard on yourself. Perhaps at times I was not hard enough. ( That is just me being HARD on myself. ). My therapist said this once: We do not get a report card in life. One of the best things I have ever heard. Remember cut yourself some slack. You are doing this to yourself, and others probably have taken this for granted. It is time to take care of you. How about instead of going to the therapist one day, go to a spa or do something nice for yourself with people ( or alone) and just breathe.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

To add: I recently heard that hypnosis can also help with learning to overcome patterns that have blocked for a long time. Some people have used it for weight loss. as well.

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

I am hyper vigilant and have totally failed hypnosis attempts. Same reason I've never been drunk or taken drugs. I'm on guard ALWAYS. Complex PTSD.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

It sounds like you have a nice support system- your husband , and grown children. You obviously have accomplished a lot. I understand believe me about old "tapes" versus the present.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I saw an article in psych today about some positive effects about coming from an abusive childhood. I found the article strange, but it also said some things to the effect that sometimes people can become high achievers and develop resiliency. It's horrible that the resiliency also has abuse at its roots. However, with life being hard, perhaps the view was that they had developed survival skills. On the other hand, some kids have parents who spoil them to the point where they demand good grades from their teachers ( I saw that in a school a few weeks ago), and do not learn about achievement, respect, character, and even trying harder. Sorry however, that you have been through this.

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

I do believe I have behaviors that I use for good. I used to believe I was very resilient but I've "bounced" back so many times that I've burned out my resilience.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I also have the same station in life. Sorry. I basically had a good weekend, but also ruminated a lot.

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

I'm happy that you had a good weekend!

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

Animals are awesome. we have wonderful doggie named Daisy- such a good girl!

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

I agree! I have two dogs right now, one of which I believe was sent or fated for me. He's amazing for me.

[gogogirl]

I do that myself partially. The big question is: Who is taking care of you besides you? I understand the getting outside and exercise thing. Sometimes it is not enough. Can you talk to your family about this? Have you been putting your needs aside, and have repressed anger?

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

No one else is taking care of me. I don't think I'm repressing anger but I will speak with my therapist about this.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

When I say taking care- I did not mean a caretaker- Ihope that was not interpreted. I meant your support system- the ones you can turn to who will replenish you?

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

I did interpret what you said as "caretaker" so thank you for the clarification! I have difficulty in letting people into my personal life so my support network is very small; my therapist and my husband. Friends or family that I have opened up too either skitter away from the topic or tell me I just need to get over it. This is one of the main reasons I joined this forum. I figured I might find kindred spirits AND wouldn't be able to see that look of "OMG this woman is either a complete stark raving mad liar or truly F'ed up. Either way RUN!

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I am not running. I am here.

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

Right back at you!

[Dpeterson]

My childhood was horrid. I was never good enough. Instead of learning to not try I instead tried harder and harder. I never succeeded in gaining their approval.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

Your childhood left a mark. You mentioned that you have a home and family. Who is the family that you are taking care of now?

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

I have two grown children, two stepchildren, two wonderful companion dogs, two horses and one amazing husband. I also have 2 half sisters, one step sister and my evil stepfather. My evil mother died a few years ago and I still rejoice in that.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

How are your siblings towards you?

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

Oh Lordy that is a whole big industrial sized can of worms! I wouldn't really call us siblings because none of us were raised together. So we are really just 4 women who are connected due to the many marriages of our biological parents. The common thread across all of us is the abuse we endured. Abusive parents tend to marry abusive partners. The relationships among us are colored with the abuse generated mistrust along with resentment (You got to grow up with Mom (Dad) and I didnt!) It's heartbreaking to see how many lives in just this one family have been handicapped by abuse.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I hope that you all are able to slowly heal some day, and be in the present. My husband has siblings ( biological) who are hateful, resentful, and jealous, and could care less about him- he was only "good" if he helped them with something- if he had his own schedule or if he didn't feel well- they disgarded him. He was nice to every one of them. They are not authentic people, and had an abusive father who passed away some years ago. They stopped talking to him out of the blue- - after he had a knee procedure- whoa- now he;s relieved.

[Dpeterson in reply to gogogirl]

Sad when you are relieved that your family has done you the courtesy of removing themselves from your life. Each of us siblings have coped in our own way. In my humble opinion none of us has healed. Their opinions are different.

[gogogirl in reply to Dpeterson]

I do not know if relieved is the right word. I think it's numb. At any rate- we have our lives. Dogs are amazing. I know ours has a huge soul, and is really funny. She even taught herself to sit like a person with her paws up. At any rate, I know it's hard, but you are not stuck with this tape from the past.

[Dpeterson]

The short answer: yes, I continue to work this during therapy. The long answer: it's so ingrained in me and I'm still really struggling. I was systemically abused for many years and have the tape of "I was so awful that even my parents hated me." No matter how many times some one tells me that it wasn't about me, I'm stuck with this hurtful tape running inside my head.

[justausername]

Hope you feel better and keep on a goin! faking stuff really sucks sometimes, but also if I need it 741-741 it's a crisi text line but you don't have to be in a crisis they really help and it's all volunteer work and they are all very nice with my experiences so far I really hope you can get to a state to where you can become very passionate about SOMEHING and can start to really enjoy that and other things