One of those days

[Mhc27]

Besides anxiety, I think I also suffer from bipolar depression. Some days...I wake up feeling great! I'll feel energized, productive, useful, and just full of optimism! Where things seem to be turning around and I seem to be getting better! But then, the next day I'll wake up feeling so worthless, so useless, extremely unhappy, and I'm just completely HATING life; hating myself, and feeling so unaccomplished. I'll be feeling like such a low life, like I'm just here with nothing to offer. I'll be experiencing extreme fatigue and just wishing I could lay in bed all day. I have no desire in doing anything, I even have a hard time just taking a shower. Every time I see myself in the mirror, it's just a constant reminder of how much I've set myself back and continue to do so. My under eyes are so dark and sucked in, the wrinkles on my forehead and around my mouth becoming more and more visible every day, my hair looking thinner and thinner, and my body doing the opposite. I've noticed I'm an emotional eater, I'll eat when I'm depressed, and I'll eat when I feel bored... I NEVER in my life thought I would end up like this! Without an education, no career, no accomplishments, no confidence, overweight, and just pretty much with NO LIFE. Some days my depression is SO bad! That I even contemplate ending my life, and I can't seem to stop the tears. I just want to put an end to this invisible pain! I want to stop feeling so alone, so lost, and so miserable! It's so lonely when you're suffering in silence. At least, if I had an actual VISIBLE medical condition, I'd be able to talk to people about it and not feel judged. Unfortunately, when it's something internal, that only YOU can feel, and that only YOU know is there, people don't seem to understand. Everyone would be better off without me. All I am is a burden, and I HATE being a burden! I don't know how much longer I can put on a fake smile or laugh a fake laugh. I've never been this unhappy, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

[BonnieSue]

OK, you have major depression. No wonder you wake up feeling rotten some days. It's amazing you wake up ANY day feeling good! You need to see a psychiatrist and a counselor ASAP. Ask around for the names of good ones and make appointments. You need to get started on an antidepressant right away. A good psychiatrist will make an educated guess which type of drug will work for you. Give the drug 4-6 weeks before you decide if it's working. Chances are you'll feel it working before the 4 week point but it'll keep getting better as the weeks go by. Any side effects will fade as the weeks go by.

Depression makes you feel lonely and unattractive and worthless. You feel you haven't accomplished anything and you're ugly and you want to die. Did I forget anything? Oh, yes, a shower is a major effort and you cry a lot. These are all classic signs of depression. Whether it's bipolar or not we'll leave to the doctor. So far nothing you've said seems to fit bipolar depression but the doc is the ultimate determinator.

All of these things should give you hope. This is treatable and you can feel good again. I know because I've been through this. People on this site do understand you and what you're going through. Hopefully some will write to you besides me. If you're thinking about hurting yourself, call one of these numbers: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433. There are counselors at the other end who'll talk with you. Just pick up the phone and call. You'll feel better if you do.