Loved ones giving support

[spencoid2]

I have been married for an eternity, over 20 years. My treatment is not going as well as we would hope for. I am trying to stay optimistic. People are constantly telling me they are amazed at how "strong" I am. I still keep hoping that the next treatment will be a game changer. I am getting some response from the new combination of chemo and a few other minor improvements are what I like to dwell on. For example radiation cystitis and bladder stones has had me bleeding enough that I am requiring regular transfusions. I find myself wondering if all this treatment is really worth doing. Everyone dies and why should I artificially prolong my life just because I am afraid of death?

However patience has paid off with this one little problem. It seems I have passed a large stone which acording to my (not a doctor) analysis was the cause of most of the bleeding. My urine is clear now and I am hoping to avoid a nerve block to lessen the pain and surgery to remove the stones which has its risk. So there are some ups among the downs. This and a few other things are what are keeping me from giving up. I love my husband as difficult as he is. I love my dogs as perfect as they are. And I find joy in sharing with a world wide group of people who share a peculiar interest with me.

So now to the support issue. My husband is just plain horrible at dealing with the stress. He gets into panic attacks and I am afraid he will have a stroke. He is probably feeling some sort of "guilt" because he can not fix me and is afraid of losing me. On the practical side, he is completely incapable of maintaining our remote rural home without my help. I used to maintain everything but now I am here more for guidance.

I am trying my best to make minimal demands and make my "requests" as gentle as possible but it seems to make no difference. I am an analytical (engineer) person and can carefully watch what I am dong and I know I am controlling my tone of voice and really am not asking for much. A simple request such as "can you please get me such and such from the shop when you have time" can be met with a violent response. I am also losing my hearing and I often have to ask him to repeat something. This can cause him to go ballistic.

I am not a big fan of psychiatric medicine but I often think that Steve really needs something to deal with the stress but trying to discuss that rationally is virtually impossible. I have a prescription for atavan from when i was having radiation to my skull and freaked out when they clamped my head in a mask. A while ago Steve took one of my atavan pills and he was a different person.

How can I approach this subject with him? What can i do to convince him that I am not blaming him and that we just need to deal with the current cruel life test? I know that the cancer center offers counseling but how do I approach the subject with Steve?

[pjd55d]

Hi Spencer - it's Pierre from the support group. I missed the last meetings - other stuff going on at that time. I often think of you and wonder how you are doing. I saw Gary this week and we chatted gently about you.

Sorry to hear about the situation with you and your husband. Any chance that he would be willing to go to support counseling with you - as a couple and the issue might be raised there ?

As usual - you are in my thoughts and I send you best

P

[SeosamhM]

Sorry to hear of your struggles, brother. The support issue is a tough and timely topic for me. Despite being married 25 years to a former paramedic that fully understands the medical reality of my existence, she still occasionally glitches out emotionally and becomes unavailable for meaningful (to me) conversation. My armchair psychology can only believe that she is trying be strong despite that this "strong and silent" approach creating a static emotional mire in our relationship that is completely unhelpful to living our lives. It can become self-perpetuating for several days as "strong and silent" sometimes triggers my own unfair resentment when I deem unaddressed stress to be a wasteful process.

Though I am in therapy, she has been resistant. But reading your post has actually given me the thought to set up a counseling session through the cancer center and couch it in terms of "my" therapy with her simply in attendance. I can speak my truth regardless.

Sadly, though, I have also finally accepted that we are all on our own journeys. I know what my journey through this is even if my spouse does not. I need to trust that.

Good luck, Spen!

[Tall_Allen]

Maybe broach couples psychotherapy when he takes another Ativan?

[Sailing-Todd]

Thank you for raising this. Major health issues aren’t always about the physical stuff. Mental health and the ability to navigate our feelings in these situations can be just as crucial to quality of life. I wish you both the very best.

[Soton4ever]

Sounds like a difficult situation. And I think many people tend to push the feelings away when reality is too hard to face. And many people get angry. Have you tried talking to him and said you can see he is stressed and that you understand that this is hard for him too, and that it is ok for him to be just as scared as you? And that you understand he gets easily irritated, but that you need him at his best now, and suggest that he talks to his doctor. Not necissarily a psychiatrist, but just someone.

[hopeful1956]

I wish more wives/caregivers would come on here and honestly open up on how they feel. I've been married for 42 years. Lots of ups and downs. My huband was 65 when diagnosed. This will be year 4 with Stage 4. I so looked forward to our retirement years together of finally being able to travel afar (now that he has finally overcome his fear of flying) and have some fun or jus putter around. Then all that came crashing down. It took a long time to relax into this new life/reality. We still go on weekend getaways, concerts etc. I totally understand that many folks on here still travel and cherish everyday and enjoy their QofL together. For others it's mentally, emotionally and maybe physically harder. I still have so many mixed emotions. Love, hate, fear. You name it. It's scary knowing that I will be alone one day and have to navigate my future without him. I think about his cancer on a daily basis (as does he I'm sure). It's hard not to. Cancer can bring out the worst or best in people.

[j-o-h-n]

That's why they call it relationships........ Cause many times you want your relations to ship out.

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n