Here to learn

[Burnout67]

Hi, I have an adult son with inattentive adhd and possibly asp who lives on hisown and counts on me to find supports that could help him manage his apartment and his self care. He is very introverted so his circle is extremely small with me being his #1 .

I am here to learn and undestand as much as I can because he is a young man of very few words except when it comes to talking about his cat or gaming ..

Thank you, I look forward to reading about your journeys and I hope It will also clarify some things for me...I am burnt out and trying to learn what I can help him with and what I am doing that might be hurting his progress.

[KnightlyADHD]

You could always try looking on You Tube, I didn't start looking into ADHD heavily until I wanted to find an alternative for medication. HowtoADHD is a good resource, ADHDvision is another resource that I currently use, I love his You Tube channel. Some of my coping mechanisms are very simple (that's what I've been told to do anyway) going for walks can be helpful, exercising on a regular basis, breaking work periods (or any large task) into smaller chunks and applying the "all or nothing" mindset to those small chunks.

Quick question: Does he have any motivation to look into ADHD resources on his own? From what you said in your post, this really seems to be taking a toll on you and it might be best to try to see if your son is interested in doing the research himself and experimenting with various coping strategies that work best for him.

[Burnout67 in reply to KnightlyADHD]

Hi again, to answer your question , he has no motivation for looking at ways to cope because as his mental health worker said, he is not bothered by his chaos of mess, dirt and nonexistent self care.

The amount of resources I've contacted fills a binder and supports for adhd is more like slipping through very large cracks in the system. This is because as long as his IQ is above a certain range, he is expected to be able to use the help offered ( like a virtual adhd group offered by the mental health worker) who said, and now I am starting to believe , that if he doesn't give effort, the mental health supports close the file . They will gladly reopen if he does something on his part. There is a lot offered over here and he never got out of his place to try.

All that time I was thinking that maybe he's got such a block to do something new that it stands in his way.

I am getting him to the Dr and antidepressants I hope he can take as he is on other meds, maybe he will feel better and try something. He only smiles for his games and when we talk about his cat and shenanigans.

If I can learn anything here, which I already am, I will be very grateful. I know I have to let go. Just don't want to see the end result 🥺

[Mamamichl]

we would love to learn about his cat, and gaming! I am a huge zelda fan and I have 2 cats that have very different personalities. You need to bring him to us. Does he do any social media? I know fb has cat groups galore.

I agree with knightly. How to adhd is great. They have a book by the same name. Other you tubers with awesome books (which are read by the you tubers themselves in their audiobooks) are the holderness family (book is adhd is awesome), and adhd_love (books are small talk and dirty laundry). Those two groups also focus on someone supporting the person with adhd.

[Burnout67 in reply to Mamamichl]

I had a call and lost my entire reply🫥 Thank you so much for the info. I mentioned this group to my son but he is not really into groups and social media. But he knows we are going to the city end month for his Dr.andto look at antidepressants.. maybe that's a start. Other than that, he does not see anything wrong when he does nothing in his apartment otherthan feed his cat, feed himself, and get groceries , play Xbox...

I stopped helping with occasional $20 here and there because I know he only spends my money on wants like chips and pop.

I was always trying to figure out if I was doing more than I should or is the inattentive adhd ((ADD) and aspergers blocking some potential motivation.

I'm tired of being confused, feeling guilty when I quit, then resentful when I get burnt out or justexhaustd and not one word of thanks or appreciation.. then, I think, well remember that neurodevgent can be unsensitive and/or emotionless just by their traits .

Time to rest my head from the wondering and stop trying to fix and have an outcome I want ..

[Mamamichl in reply to Burnout67]

You can’t force him to change. Maybe he is happy being just the way he is. My brother lives like him and he’s on all the meds. It didn’t change much for him. I’ve had to learn to let him live his life his way, even though it’s not the way I think I need to live mine.

[Burnout67 in reply to Mamamichl]

That is what I have been asking him, for input because his answers are always "I don't know" but not saying in a confusion way but in just, I don't know and then he always agrees or if I say "what do you think needs to be done?" he will answer that it should be cleaner so the bugs don't start again (fruit flies) Or if I see his bed needs to be cleaned, I say "maybe it would be a good time to clean it" and he starts a wash, I am so confused...I am just hoping that through Continuity Care and Learning Disabilities Association of Manitoba, he will have an intake worker like his brother, who qualified for CLDS and has done exceptionally well. Strange how an intellectual test can make such a huge difference in a person's life.

I told my son about you inviting him to join and talk about his interests and it sounds like he was getting interested ( I added it is not social media since he does not like that, a good thing) I am sending him the link and help him out to find the group if he needs. I will try to have a conversation about what you said with he may not want to change.. If he has dreadful consequences is my worry.

[Mamamichl in reply to Burnout67]

Keep communicating. It’s possible he doesn’t think about it until you mention, but it’s possible he say idk because he doesn’t want to make you mad. Knowing how his brain works is hard to know, but communication helps.

Technically, this is considered a medical forum rather than social media because we shouldn’t talk about whatever we want. It should be focused on what the group is about. However, if I am incorrect, I would like to be corrected.

What I love about this forum is that the people are nonjudgmental. If someone is inappropriate, we report them, and CHADD is great about kicking them. This is a safe place, and all involved want to keep it that way.

If he’s on social security, you can ask for a weekly caregiver I believe, so someone can come and help him clean regularly. Also, it seems you and he work well together. The you tubers I mentioned before talk a lot about body doubling. It’s a great strategy for many people with adhd because just starting feeling daunting.

[Burnout67 in reply to Mamamichl]

Yes, Body doubling is wonderful! It is definitely what he needs and I am hoping to get funds eventually for that. I will ask his social assistance worker but I am pretty sure there is not help for assisting him as I have asked before. Very limited ... Thank you and I agree, this is a safer place unlike social media.

[Burnout67 in reply to Mamamichl]

I will show him this message and the information you provided to him from my laptop, he is very visual and seeing the this group and the support you give each other, plus the interests are the same, could be a motivation, even if it is after he goes on antidepressants. I remember not being interested in things I was always drawn to when I needed meds just to cope with life and people.

[Mamamichl in reply to Burnout67]

That last sentence was so eloquently put.

[KnightlyADHD]

that might be more of the aspergers then the ADD, as a person with Inattentive ADHD, I do let people know how appreciative I am of them. The only problem is when I am complimenting someone and that person is unresponsive or down plays it constantly then I can be a hurt by that, but that does seem more like aspergers.

[Burnout67 in reply to KnightlyADHD]

yes, I believe so too. I know autism and aspergers are in that neurodivergent spectrum. Is ADD and ADHD also classified in that area?

[KnightlyADHD in reply to Burnout67]

As being on the spectrum? I'm not exactly sure, I haven't looked into it, I have heard from one of my friends (who also has ADHD) that ADHD is considered to be on the spectrum but I haven't looked into it, so at this point it's just hearsay from my end.

[Burnout67 in reply to KnightlyADHD]

I just read in some of my notes that it is....

[Burnout67 in reply to KnightlyADHD]

Hi Knightly, I would like to ask, Do you think that if I were to give my son the resources that I have so far found (ie: body doubling info and this group for support his emotions and questions) I would still be a supportive Mother while when I do visit him, I pull back from doing the things he can get help with even if he may not be able to have an an actual housekeeper and person to help with meal ideas. I can write up a way he can budget his money but at the same time, look for other resources..? He is 25 in March

[KnightlyADHD in reply to Burnout67]

I think you would still be a supportive mother. It's not like you're saying he has to take the information that you're giving him, you're simply offering suggestions for things he could be doing (which in my experience is always helpful) I turned 28 today so it looks like your son and I are around the same age. Personally, I like having input from other people as long as they don't just do it for me. If someone does something for me, I will 100% let them do it, but the only problem is that I don't get the learning experience from doing the task myself. I do think that would be a good way to go about it.

[5000]

hi there, Iv a son living with me who is pretty much the same.. I’m in the process of getting all the nootropics I found in Avantera nootropics as I cannot get the brand in the uk. A basic spray vitamin is where Iv started, now a spray with Ltheanine and gaba to help slow down the neurotransmitters so he can sleep,

[Burnout67 in reply to 5000]

Ohh, that's interesting. I have never heard of the spray before..

[KnightlyADHD in reply to 5000]

spray vitamins ooo, that's interesting